Bipolar Check-in #80

10 years ago when I moved into this house my therapist told me I'd know I was settled into my home when I knew where the light switches are. That seemed sensible until this morning when I woke up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom and apparently didn't know where the entire door was. I smacked straight into the doorframe with my forehead. I've gone to the bathroom in the dark a thousand times here but this morning I guess I just forgot. I'm fine, just a bump and a bruise. This has not been my month.


Still anxious about my therapist going on medical leave but trying to stay calm about it. I can't do much about it until I can talk to him next week. And I'm not sure even that is going to help much. What's he supposed to say, that he won't do it because I'm anxious? I think this is also raising anxiety about what it will be like when he retires in 2 years and this feels like a practice run for that.

I keep trying to remember this will be completely over in 12 weeks or less and that is not such a long time.

Been feeling damn bugs crawling on me
Tonight. Can’t wait to pick up my meds
From pharmacy tomorrow.

Last night was kinda scary. I was sleeping and then I woke up coughing and then I started just puking my guts out. Like really forcefully. Something is not right. No way is that normal.

I've decided to go on my trip tommorow. Last night spooked me a bit. Today wasn't terrible. I went and did a grocery pick up. My stomach was fairly calm until I went to lie down and threw up a bunch of raspberries. I have some pain and cramping.

But I have my Carhart sling backpack packed for tommorow and I'll see how I handle things any better then being at home.

I woke up because of loud fireworks and because I had a dream where I was getting my period and I needed food fast or I'd have a freak out. I haven't gotten a period since April 6th 2020. The cramps were just stomach related stuff. I've been eating a lot of grain free pasta and fruit.

@Mountaindewed I hope you are able to enjoy your trip and that your health issues don't really act up while you are on it!

I found a friend who is willing to stay the night with me when I get my endoscopy! My friends are saints. Since I don't have family here, my friends have done a ton for me these past few years to help me out, including when I couch hopped for six weeks when I first, in a very unexpected turn of events, ended up moving back here with 48 hours notice.

Counseling went okay today. It's an adjustment getting used to this new counselor because she has a plan of strategies she wants to teach me but I do more talking/filling in her in on things with my other counselor. This new counselor wants me to practice two different strategies each day (twice a day per strategy) and to take notes on how they go. After counseling, I got lunch with a friend and went with her to see Inside Out 2.

I'm noticing a new pattern when I'm pretty depressed-even though I know how miserable it is, I find myself tempted to try and trigger hypomanic, or even full on manic, symptoms. A bipolar buzz just sounds better than depression sometimes and I think it's just my brains way of telling me it wants an escape from reality.