Bipolar Check-in #81

I read too late into the soft night again. But I did sleep, until 10:30! My phone was exploded with text messages. Managed to go to the store, getting used to the rental, not so afraid to drive it any more. It’s a nice car but black on black! Not in the summer time! I’ll be glad when I get my car back!

Muddy I’m glad you’re at the hospital. Play nice with the staff, you know they are not your intellectual equivalent.

I'm not at the hospital anymore. I just listened to music in a waiting room. I'm okay now. It's a bush-person that said my mom tried to drown me. I mean, not like Groot tree people, but just a person flowing through the bushes. I gave up on worrying about being spied on. Out of my control. I'm spying on me because I am a master and I am a slave, but my body atoms are still pressing on not my body atoms are pressing on other people's atoms so anything one person knows another does. That's why environments are environments and vibes are vibes. Vibrations and friction. Counteracting weakforces. Why fuse hydrogen when there are atoms with more protons and neutrons? If a singularity has a mass limit of a lot and therefore an energy limit of a lot, we could fuse way larger atoms than hydrogen. How do we get event horizon energy for the next chicken that escapes the coop? I just know I need to escape, but I don't know on what level. Library level wasn't big enough. Town level isn't. State level? Region level? Country level? Continent level? Planetary level? Solar system level? Galaxy level? Universe level? Existence level? Energgy cannot be created or destroyed, but my aunt said to transfer mine into a noodle. I hope this noodle doesn't boil.

But yeah, hospital was fun. Didn't know the security guard so that's cool. Lady tested my spatial awareness, and someone told me the library was closing in 10 minutes which I already knew but I didn't notice the red fluid in the lights.
Cause cowboy dan's a major player in the cowboy scene
goes to the reservation drinks and gets mean
he's gonna start a war
goes to the desert fires his rifle in the sky and says
God, if I have to die, you will have to die

irony is the drunk died walking down the street by hit and run

edit: Sorry I am going on and on and posting wayy too much Going to get my journal. (literally had to delete a huge paragraph after this)

I know like most of us here @MuddyBoots are worried about you - your posts are way beyond manic. How did get out of the hospital? Please get yourself somewhere where you can be stabilized.

I am freaking out because of this storm rolling through. I get really get scared during big storms because I live alone and I am not really prepared for them. I have candles, flashlights and bottled water but that's about it. I know hurricane season is upon us here on the East Coast, so it's becoming a bigger concern.

Still having thoughts of my ex and hoping he's okay. More and more I know it's out of my control, but he was just such a huge part of my life for such a long time. I still love him, and it hurts I guess. : (

Other than that, moodwise I am really good. Spoke to a friend today while I cleaned up my place and moved a bunch of songs for my playlist for my car. I accomplished a lot, and I feel really good, just worried about this storm. Getting ready to spend the night with my boyfriend watching Netflix, so hopefully its a good night and this storm just passes. Have a wonderful evening everyone!

I had a lazy day as it is too hot to go out. I'm having trouble with my activities of daily living. Today all i got done was i cleaned my glasses. I think of that t-shirt that says, "It's okay if all you did today was breathe." It's comforting.

We have one more day of extreme heat, then it cools off.

I feel so depressed in the morning, then it improves in the afternoon, and in the evening i feel okay. Anyone else have this? It's so hard to get out of bed in the morning when i know i have such hours and hours of unpleasantness to get thru before i feel okay again.

Has anyone watched clean comedian Jim Gaffigan's special "Beyond the Pale" on Netflix? I so like it!

Worried about MuddyBoots, but i guess there is nothing i can do. I've noticed that my support group director does not try and reason with psychotic people. I guess it is not advisable. I saw in MuddyBoots' other thread that she has really tried hard with different meds. I'm treatment-resistant too but i'm grateful that mine work to relieve at least 50% of my bipolar. I can have a manageable life on meds. It's not meaningful and there's little pleasure but



Well, i guess all we can do re MuddyBoots is wish her well and hope she finds her way and offer our support here.

My air conditioning is wonderful!

Hugs to all the anxious people on Earth!

So of course my son is unstable again and not sleeping, and is very grumpy.

I told him it's bc you're vaping 50 mgs of nicotine as well as drinking a ton of coffee. He said it's not that. It's that his meds aren't working correctly. He's on super high doses of 4 differnt antipsychotics. He's exhausting.

I barely got any sleep so I took the extra doxepin and got like 2 hours. I can't lose sleep. It makes me go mixed.

Alright Ive got the Sunday night blues just thinking about work this coming week. Twice this past week I had 2 different teachers enter my classroom telling my classes they’re too loud. Easy when you teach seniors! I’d swap a Year 12 class with 8 students for my Year 7 - 25 in a class any day!

I am trying to let go of what others think of me when they walk past my classroom but then shyt like this happens and it just brings me down again. Mood is okay-ish. Anxiety is not. I had 1 coffee this morning and I was going to leave it at 1 but then my partner went and bought me a latte when we were out and I didn’t want to be rude so I drank it.

Went and got my nails done today. Feeling better about that. I got them a bright pink coat with tips that are almond shaped.

Looking forward to Spring starting next month. It’s been so cold in the mornings here when I wake up it’s been such a struggle to jump in the shower. I know a month won’t make much difference with the weather but still.

Has anyone been watching the Olympics? I watched the dismal opening ceremony then this morning my son and I were watching replays of the swimming. He’s going for Canada 🇨🇦 because on Friday he has to wear red and white for their flag. He’s really excited.

I can just feel I’m going to be awake at 4:00am. I always am on a work morning. This morning I managed to sleep in until 6:30am. It was such bliss!

A friend called so I cut back my post. If my son keeps going at the rate he is, he could get copd, have a heart attack or worse. What would you guys do? My sister said just to raise my concerns to the guy in charge and do what he thinks is best.

I'm going to talk about food so I'm placing a part that talks about it.

Good morning friends. I went to bed way too early so I woke up around 3am and have been up since then and am just up for the day. I have a volunteer shift with the rescue cats today. Looking forward to it. Other than that not much going on, just gonna play the Digimon TCG with my boyfriend later since he has today off work.

Just gonna meditate some and watch some shows before I head out today. I was gonna exercise but I don't feel like it right now. Maybe after I get home.

HUGS to all of you struggling

@lady_shadow
I know what it feels like to have a storm coming your way. It stresses me out big time. Do they predict the storm to come your way? I've been bad about keeping up with the news lately.

Like everyone, I'm worried about Muddy, but there's not much I can do from here.

Today is my 20th wedding anniversary. It's crazy it's been that long! Poor H sure got the worse part in for better or worse what with my bipolar. It always makes me feel so guilty. Not sure if we'll do much to celebrate. Looks like it is going to rain this morning, the sky is very dark.

I had some trouble getting to sleep last night. Not sure what is was. I'd have the sheet on, feel hot, take the sheet off, feel cold, on, off again and again. Finally took an extra 25 mg Seroquel and that calmed me down, and I ended up with about 6.5 hr. sleep. My mood has been good if a little erratic.

I took a walk/jog this morning, the rain held off just long enough.

Have a wonderful Sunday everyone

Happy anniversary blueberrybook. Congratulations

I know some of you say you’re worried about me, but there’s no need. I swear, the drunk really DID die by hit and run. My CM even said, well, I can’t write here because I’m not giving them the satisfaction of outright saying their words and these are obvious, but she said something along the lines of calling her later if the atmosphere and gravity change, but I’m screwed if my phone doesn’t work.

No need to be concerned. I WILL NOT hurt anyone else or myself. I don’t know about others, but I have some tricks up my sleeve for that.

Hey guys!

I know we are probably all sounding annoying @MuddyBoots but it's only because we all love you very much and want to see you get better, and feel better

But I am having an amazing Sunday so far. Didn't get much sleep because my mind was racing, (TMI but I really NEEDED my boyfriend last night if you know what I mean, so I was tossing and turning). Finally got to bed at 3am and woke up at 7:30am to get ready for church. Was a really good message, one that I really needed to hear about Exodus, then Jesus being the "bread of life" and then the priest spoke about gratitude, which is what I really needed to hear this morning. Felt bad that this nice couple that is part of my AA homegroup wanted to go to breakfast but I had to head out to my parent's house because I spend Sundays with them.

Finally made it to my 9th step of my 12-Step program and did my amends with my parents. They were really nice about it, but they basically said they already knew about all things I confessed to and appreciated my amends. I felt so good afterwards. So on to the others now! I feel really good about making progress through my steps of AA because I have been sitting on them for the past three years - thank God I have such a patient sponsor, lol.

In a really good place bipolar-wise. Hope everyone is having a really good Sunday. Anxiousness is setting in a bit, because Tropical Storm Debbie is making its way up the coast - I really hope it goes and comes quick and I don't have to drive in the middle of it on Thursday when I go to work. Also really praying it doesn't gain strength and become a hurricane. Really nervous so I am going to invest in a back-up battery, so I at least have something to charge my phone with in case I do lose power this hurricane season. Living alone is both a blessing and a curse sometimes, I swear. Wishing you a very happy anniversary @Blueberrybook !!

I don’t know what to do right now. I think my ideas are cool, but I spilled the secret to my mom. She didn’t seem to understand, but she never understands anything. She’s ok with listening to podcasts about decapitation. But guillotines aren’t instant death. I tried telling her we could think our way into rubber bones, she wouldn’t buy it. Maybe she’s just prepping to (make another attempt at) drowning me. She’s not making any comment on being unwell or anything so I want to say I’m ok, but also she knows the frquency that has a PCP effect on me.

My emotions and energy levels are wild. I said I’m safe, and right now I am. But sometimes I don’t feel that way. More in a might go overboard running from someone or self defense because after all there is someone who wants to drown me under the same room, but I do sometimes want to see my own blood again. It’s like cereal boxes falling. And every time I get a chance to talk to someone in the treatment team they ask and I say right now, yeah, but I wasn’t earlier, but this moment I’m fine so they don’t really care. In This Moment. I’d rather fight than just fake it, but I’m honest and there’s no fighting right now. I see the dots that no one else can, and even connect them to other dots, and I’m bored with others non Euclidean geometry. I need less transport so there’s less collisions.

I’m just generally misunderstood. My mom asked what I think about putting Bo down. Lu told me last night it was a good idea, and I sent her a picture of Lu so I think that’s why she’s more open to it. But my CM used to say “that makes sense” sometimes,
But today and the person I talked to last night didn’t. Things look like they’re moving and that is usually when it gets bad. I don’t know what to say to my CM because I AM safe,
But I’m not. But when she asks I plan on being safe.

Thanks for the anniversary wishes

H made reservations this evening at a fairly upscale seafood restaurant at the bayside. I think it will be our first time eating out as a family in over a year since eating out has become so expensive now. Looking forward to a nice evening.

I'm just frustrated today. I don't feel good and I'm sick and also a bit anxious. My mom thinks we should get the refferal for Northwestern soon.

I haven't showered in almost a week and I am just totally exhausted.

I finally got in the shower and

So I feel better

@MuddyBoots
If sometimes you're safe, and sometimes you're not, then you can't really say you'll stay safe in the near future, you know? You need to just tell your care team you do not feel safe b/c from your post it does not sound as if you trust yourself to STAY safe.

You said earlier in a post that sometimes you think you want help, and I think it's high time you listen to that part of yourself.

Can your mom not see that you need help right now?

Everyone wants you to get the help that you need.

@LadyShadow I didn't hear those same Sunday readings today because the parish I was at was celebrating a feast day, but the string of assigned Sunday readings the Church is currently in about Jesus being the Bread of Life are some of my favorite!

@JaneOnceMore I haven't watched that specific Jim Gaffigan special but, in general, tend to like his material. Have you heard of Dry Bar Comedy? They have a lot of clips and specials on YouTube and it is nothing but clean stand-up.

Happy Anniversary @Blueberrybook!

The meet the teacher event went well today. One of my students is going to miss the first three days of school (school starts Wednesday) because he is sick so I feel pretty bad for him. The big bummer of the day is that, when I went to leave, my car didn't start...I'm hoping it's just the starter. Since everywhere is closed on Sundays, I'm leaving it parked at work overnight and then will call around in the morning about getting it towed somewhere to get looked at/fixed. I sure hope the repairs don't cost to much.

She can’t and I just talked to my CM and now I’ve decided to never talk to anyone on my useless shytty treatment team that probably fking hates me. So no, I don’t want help. Not when I’m freaking out about lights and she just says to go for a walk or play piano or some shyt. THAT DOESNT STOP THE LIGHTS!!! And THEY WONT SHUT UP!!!!

I am safe FROM MYSELF. They do not give a damn if you’re going to stop breathing under water. Fking hospitals don’t care either, but there’s no reason for me to go any way because I’m not going to kill myself and I’m not going to kill anyone else.

I’m gonna duct tape my mouth shut.

I just spent 5 hours downstairs playing a card game called phase 10. Hours! I need to get in the shower and do my pill organizer. Then I’m ready for tomorrow, the boob squisher appointment. Then that will be it for two years! Hopefully my car will be ready tomorrow too. I need to find out because I have an appointment in Rochester on Wednesday to take it to the dealership for free updates.

Met Robert my starbucks friend this afternoon. We were having this lovely conversation when some young woman at a nearby table started talking to us. She came over and sat with us at our table and started talking even more. Asked us where we live- Robert said the apartment complex name- we both live in the same one but I didn’t tell her that. She said sh lived at a complex within walkable distance to Starbucks. She asked a million questions most of which I didn’t answer. She said she has a cat and I said so do I and she asked what kind and I said a calico and she said that’s what kind of cat she has and it also meows a lot. Anyway she asked if she could come over and see my cat and I said no. She just never shut up telling us she goes to a college an hour away! Why does she live here then? She said her rent is only $300 a month and obviously she’s on section 8 and something about having to clean up because they inspect your apartment. Also a section 8 thing. The problem is that I gave her my phone number and first name and now I’m afraid she’s going to look me up on white pages dot com! Thing is I don’t like other people in real life with mental illnesses! Online here that’s different! I dunno she kinda freaked me out. I meet a lot of people at starbucks some of my best friends but this girl is giving off strange potentially scary vibes! If she tries to contact me I’m going to ghost her I think. Something doesn’t sit right with me about her.