Bipolar Check-in #82

After a run of good sleep, for the past few nights, I've been having a hard time falling asleep. I've been having night sweats and restless legs. Last night, I didn't fall asleep until after midnight, and then I was wide awake at 4:45 AM, so about 5 hr. of sleep I'm pretty tired this morning, but even so, I went for a walk & jog.

I have to take my daughter to the dentist today. She got a couple fillings in late May, and the teeth are still hurting. This is the 3rd or 4th trip already about those teeth still hurting. Last time the dentist wanted to refer her to an endodonist, and that would likely mean a root canal. So I'm taking her to another dentist for a 2nd opinion. Lately the quality of care has been dropping off at the old dentist anyway.

Later today, I'm going to the library with my daughter.

I'm all anxious about the day especially being so tired. I really wish this anxiety would go away. I have tried all the coping techniques: grounding, deep breathing, muscle relaxation, etc. and nothing is helping. The pdoc increased my buspirone slightly yesterday, but it's not helping yet.

Dumb Pdoc won’t help me.
All she did was decrease my Celexa

Woke up wide awake at 5. Having a decaf coffee. I need Pdoc to call me back!

I hope I get under control soon. Pdoc asked about ip and I informed her I am
Not in and danger and do not meet Dr to be assuming things

Was up until 4am. Ugh, did manage to get some restless sleep in. But I don’t know. I give blood today. I’m still only on my first bottle of water. I need to drink at least 3 bottles by 1:30. I hope the blood thing goes ok. I’ve been out of wack before and it took forever and I couldn’t fill the bag, my blood was too thick! Oh that was embarrassing.

We’ll have a good day everyone and for those of you struggling, purple sparkles vibes.

Case manager wanted to know if I slept at all and I said yes 11-5 and sh hasn’t responded back - it’s been over an hour! This is making me mad if my sleep is messed up because. Of Vraylar!

I feel kinda blah today. I'm not sure why. I slept a lot last night and then for a bit this morning. My heartburn has been fine. I don't feel sick. Just kinda here.

Got back from seeing the new dentist with my daughter. This practice is much nicer than our old one. I think we will be switching there.

Going to the library with my daughter after lunch. The weather is rainy/misty today, and I really don't like driving in it much. My daughter wants to drive but my nerves are already shot especially with my poor sleep last night, so I think I'll drive. She's scary enough driving when it's not raining; I don't think my nerves could handle her driving in this weather.

I started my period today. I really hope PMS was the reason I had trouble falling asleep lately. Pretty sure it was the reason I was so angry for no reason yesterday. On top of poor sleep, I have added fatigue from my period. Ugh.

I got them for tension in my muscles around 40 years ago. I was a student with children, and Diazepam should help me to relax so that I could function in my roles as both a mother and a student. I am sure it was well-meant. (Concern for my total life-situation).

I have never used other medication usually prescribed for anxiety patients.

The attitudes toward diazepam changed among doctors as time went. Some acted toward me and others, fooled into using, as if we were some sort of dust in their eyes, the trash at the bottom.

The last years I have had a GP who understands the problem with being on these medications for such a long time. I am now on a low doze, and I am on them because that is what my body needs to live a normal life. Since the doze is so low, it is easy to pass the border for what is allowed if I take some extra.

I want to be honest and stay on that low dosage in cooperation with my GP. (Nowadays a GP who prescribes too much Diazepam, where I live, can lose their right to prescribe). I am very grateful for this GP and the low doze!

I know that I will be able to figure out my triggers for the extra use and how to cope with these triggers without using diazepam

Thank you so much for your concern!
PS. I want to see my lowering the diazepam doze over time down to an accepable dosage as a huge VICTORY! That there are nasty GPs around who fail to see the total situation for their patients, has to be placed on their sholders, not mine or others in the same situation. Moralistic and selfsentered. DS.

My day has been OK. The Gym started up again today.

I went to the movie theater today and saw the new Beetlejuice movie, it was really good. I’m dissociating now though. I started dissociating on my walk home. Now I’m trying to relax and stop the dissociation so I can cook cause I don’t want to cook while I’m dissociating since that’s not really safe. Thankfully all I really need to do is cut up the chicken and brown it in the pan then put it in the crockpot and I don’t have to worry about it for a couple hours.

I’m hoping by around 7pm the dissociation calms down so I can cook. I’m gonna be up late tonight so it doesn’t really matter how late I start it.

I slept from 1-5 pm. Now let’s see if I can sleep tonight.

I did sleep six hours last night. pdoc doesnt seem to care. i usually need 8-9 hours to function but ive been fine all day. i was real hyper earlier. i keep typing wrog words and wdk why. its weird. and aggravating. '''

should i start looking for a new prescriber? i could always go back to my old pdocs office and see someone else. he moved outta state. but at least they know the combo that worked for me so well fro so long. i asked t about it-waiting to hear back.

Welll the bloodletting went fine, except that the sky open up and it rained sideways while I was there. My windows were wide open! But fortunately the wind was from the opposite side of the building and my apartment was dry. Whew. As I get older giving blood makes me weak, takes a bit longer to recover. The steps up from the second lot really wiped me out. The waiting list for the main lot is now 3 years! I’ve been here 1.3 years. Ufda! Hopefully we’ll have another mild winter. I’m not parking in the street anymore as three cars have now been hit while parked there. I’m not subjecting my new car to possible hit and run.

Muddy I hope yer alright! Thinking of you.

I also hope all of us that aren’t sleeping get a good nights rest.

Got the honey lemon chicken cooking in the crockpot. It’s got about 2 hours left. Then I’m gonna put it into meal prep containers to eat for the next several days along with some broccoli.

Trying to distract from my nighttime anxiety right now. I’m going to see 3 movies in December. Mufasa (the new lion king movie) , the new lord of the rings movie, and Nosferatu. Nosferatu comes out Christmas Day so I’m going to go that day to see it. I might also see the new Crow. I just have to double check when that comes out. I like going to movies. It’s nice to get out of the house for a few hours and get fully immersed in a movie. I usually go when it’s not busy during a weekday matinee.

Having a horrible panic attack

@Blue_Bird Picture us breathing in with you......hold.......let it out slowly...repeat. We're all with you (unless that scares you!)...you are not alone.

I was pretty crabby today. At one point my blood pressure got up to 159/99. I don't know what my problem was but I'm feeling ok now. I'm just

My anxiety and moods and stomach and all that are fine now. My blood pressure is 128/87. So pretty good. I just took a new type of Dramamaine and the playlist I'm listening to is called Sunny Day.

I'm finding myself second guessing what I said about feeling "normal" yesterday. When I went to bed last night, I felt disconnected from reality-a grounding exercised helped that go away. Today, I also realized I've been a little more full of myself (all my ideas and thoughts are great/right kind of thing and feeling like I can conquer the world) but nothing ridiculously over the top. I also realized it has taken me a long time to fall asleep for just under a week-I don't know why I didn't think to talk with my counselor about this. Oh well. It's hard to tell if I'm just overanalyzing everything or if these are minor mood shift symptoms. We'll see what happens. This is mainly in the evening-mornings, I have depression symptoms and during the day I've been feeling pretty good mental health wise.

I got ahold of the infusion center and scheduled a couple of appointments (first one is next weekend) I'm not sure how much it will cost but, hopefully, less than those fancy IV places. I was surprised to learn I'll be at the center for about 2 hours. The location I'm going to is open 7 days a week so that's nice.

My dog isn't doing well. It's hard not knowing whether it's a permanent change, or one from which she will recover.

I have a busy week next week and i'm worried i might not hold up. But i know the anticipatory anxiety is often worse than the reality, so i'm trying to stay calm. I've had such a relatively easy time of it recently, i should be able to stand some adversity. Who know, i've been struggling with boredom so often lately, i might even enjoy being busy... ?

I went in my support group's ZOOM social hour today and had a nice time. I find i enjoy myself a lot more when someone is not hogging the time and i get to participate.

I find i'm eating less the past few days. It seems that, for me, the best approach to food is to ignore it.

Jane I’m sorry your dog is not doing well. Hopefully it’s just a temporary issue.

Exhausted is not a strong enough word for what I am feeling. Just everything this week has been so overwhelming. My dad got hit in the eye and its real bad so he might need surgery - I am beside myself. Thinking of going to the doctor with him on the 18th, I might have to.

I realized tonight I have to write my book and tell my testimony. The years of struggling with bipolar and alcoholism to the life I am living today, 4 years clean and sober, and mostly stable on very little medication, sleeping sound. Surviving jail, then homelessness, rehab, hopelessness, to the life I have always prayed for. Going out to Selma tonight and joining that recovering community was just what I needed to get me going on my journey. I have never been more determined. Incredibly exhausted, but never more determined - even with the $27000 car that I am repaying - it's just another thing in life I just have to suck up and take care of.

Chapter one starts tomorrow morning! @Nammu - 3 years sounds so crazy for a convenient parking spot, YIKES! @Blue_Bird I hope you're feeling better, I am dying to see Beetlejuice myself - @raspberrytorte I hope you're coming a bit out of your depression - @Blueberrybook - girl when my period comes near I get mad really, really fast, like boiling mad for no reason - it's not just you, trust me, lol. @Rosi700 - keep pushing forward girl, God's got you!

@LadyShadow Thank you! Yes, God is holding me!

You are strong, LadyShadow! Never let go of hope because of the burden of paying for that car.

@Blue_Bird You are a strong and responsible "bird". I admired how you tried to get rid of your dissociating before you started cooking!

Hope your anxiety will not last long!

@Nammu I am impressed to hear that you are still bloodletting in your age!