Please help my future wife

Google "folie à deux."

You make a good major decision by building on first making good smaller decisions. Coming here for advice and then shooting down every single one of our suggestions - is that good decision making?

I know you said it doesn't matter, but please, PLEASE give us some sort of indication she has bipolar disorder! You say you've done research, but you're speaking to those of us who actually live it. While everyone presents differently, yes, there are still certain things we all share in common! So far it just sounds like she suffered from substance abuse. Has she ever experienced mania, hypomania, depression, a mixed episode?

You say you've done research. You should know what they are.

Crippling fear of change does NOT indicate bipolar disorder on its own.

Does she speak to her therapist about this fear of change she has? And why does she have it if you'll be taking care of her?

As raspberry pointed out you are talking to people who have bipolar and are living it. I’m 66 have lived with bipolar since I was 20, have been hospitalized multiple times and for long periods and have met many others who live with this disorder and have been in support groups for years both in real life and on line, never, not once did crippling fear ever come up. Not once. It’s not part of bipolar.

It can be a mental illness but it’s an anxiety disorder. Intense fear of change is called metathesiohopbia and can be helped with therapy. But it is not a part of bipolar and for you to say you have “researched” it is insulting. You want us to help her, we can’t that can only come from her seeking out help, and her asking for help.

Frankly I’m beginning to believe you are winding us up. Having us on.

I agree about open marriages. But it was previously stated that her husband has no idea about anything and it is all done in completely secrecy. If it’s done in secrecy, then it’s lying. And she’s not in danger. Why lie then? You don’t have to call it adultery or infidelity. Why is she living a lie?

>>Well, she has been medically diagnosed, and sees a psychologist who prescribes medication and is treating her as bipolar.

She usually suffers from mixed episodes. During mania, she rarely sleeps more than 2 hours, and while in depression she barely has the energy to move at all.

She speaks to her doctor about this fear of change, as well as her other symptoms , and her continually adjusts her medication depending on results.

You make excuses about every aspect of her relationships with you and her husband; I have to wonder what is so great about this woman? I see no positive aspects other than sex?

You have to ask yourself is what you're feeling lust or love?

>>You are making a valid point, as always. Sometimes staring down the truth is difficult, but its a necessity.

The most fulfilling part of our relationship is those times when we are laying close to each other having long conversations a few inches from each other, or sitting on the couch sharing chocolate and talking for hours.

My theory has always been that sex is great, but there are 24 hours in a day. What about the other 23? We strongly feel that the other 23 will be pretty awesome as well.

We've discussed our roles. The mundane, the ordinary. paying bills, cleaning, cooking, weekends, new jobs, retirement, handling episodes, boredom, the whole enchilada. We seem to be in complete agreement on 99% of life together.

You didn't answer one of my questions. If you'll be taking care of her financial needs, and money won't be an issue, why is she afraid of leaving her eighty year old husband?

She's using bipolar as an excuse. Is she stable right now?

If she's stable right now I'm sorry, but we can't help you. At least, I can't help you. I don't know how to cure crippling fear of change and don't have advice regarding that.

I just think it's disgusting someone would marry someone just for their money and then cheat behind their back because they're thirty years their senior and their d*ck doesn't work. I mean, how greedy do you have to be? And then to blame your affair and not wanting to change on your bipolar diagnosis?

😡 😡 😡

Just saying. I'm sorry.

>> I will be a safety net. She will get a job and pull her own weight as much as practical. She is afraid of change. And I believe her.

She is stable on meds right now.

I feel terrible that I can't help her overcome her fear. I guess this is something she has to do on her own. Sad face.

You previously said she’s unable to handle day to day tasks independently and is fully dependent on others for basic day to day living. This is extreme case for a 50 year old woman regardless of her disorders.

What’s the chance that all of a sudden she’ll get a job and start contributing if she can’t even handle regular daily living.

I think you need to prepare yourself to what is to come. You are approaching retirement age and you are taking on a dependent adult now whom you barely know. Of course that’s all a moot point as she’s married, but just hypothetical.

But if she leaves, and moves in with you…You might have to work all into old age as you’ll have to support her now.

>>She has a full time job now, with many responsibilities. She currently deposits her checks in a joint account, and grandad pays the bills.

Genevieve is not totally dependent. Her particular version of bipolar makes it extremely difficult to deal with change. She needs a regular routine, shower, get pills ready, sleep 8-10 hours if possible. Go to work the next day and repeat. She is totally reliant on this routine.

You want to build a relationship built on cheating, hurting another, and basically all round lack of integrity. That will be the foundation of your relationship. Basically her 80 year old husband will be the collateral damage to you getting what you want. Calling that a solid foundation would be a stretch. You need to get your nose out of their relationship.

Do either of you have friends/family whose opinions you value? They rightfully will be wondering if you guys are off your rockers. Do you have siblings, nieces or nephews? You mentioned your "beloved" has a son. Any of them would be right to be greatly concerned for both of your behaviors/actions.

Does this woman love you? You'll never know, because what she desires most of all is security. And skipping out under cover of darkness on an 80 year old man??? No comment needed on that. It speaks for itself.

This also has the potential to end up a father/daughter relationship. It is already pointing sharply in that direction.
Once the shiny veneer of your love for each other wears off, what lies underneath that? Once you're aware of the collateral damage of her 80 year ex-husband, and she's aware of the lack of money?

You need to let her get her own affairs in order, including ending her marriage honorably. Letting her know you will be there for her once she has closed that door in her life is very different than you trying to direct it.

Oh ok well if she works full time, then how can’t she handle daily tasks and why does she need a man to support her. You said she’s not even able to live alone. If she works full time with many responsibilities, there’s no need to live with man she doesn’t even like. It seems that the story changed somewhat.

Granddad?

People who are afraid of change and rely on routine would never take on secret affairs and continue it for over a year. No way no how they’d partake on such things. Nope. They’d never take a risk. They’d be too terrified. This person is playing you. Or you are playing us?

Sorry. That's about all the abuse I can handle. I'll go away now.

I have responded on your other thread but see that this one is much longer. See https://mysupportforums.org/7446055-post16.html

I am sorry to say that but you appear very naive. I think the person who needs to be protected and cared for here is you. You seem to be embarking on something that can be treacherous. The preparations you describe having made are over the top and she is not even separated. You realize how long divorce takes in the United States? And you already call her a fiancée?? In what way is she your fiancée? Does anybody outside of you, her and people on this forum know that she is your fiancée? Typically, the word fiancée is used when the engagement has been made public. The use of this term signifies a public change of status.

Then, she sends you an online article and you... believe it? But by default, on the internet, today, you can find articles that purport to support any claim, including opposite claims that directly contradict each other. Plus, just pure statistics should make you dubious of this claimed correlation: bipolar, and you wrote that you had read books about bipolar so you should he in the know, is not a rare disease, but its prevalence is in the single digits. From 1% to 5% depending on how narrowly you define it. Procrastination is a very, very widespread condition. One reason we have it - no, it is not fear of change - has to do with how are brains have evolved and how they are not adapted to modern life. The stuff about the limbic system which evolved millions of years ago and back then was highly adaptive versus the prefrontal cortex, the most recent addition to our brains, and how the limbic system wins when the two are in conflict, and therefore we do not pursue our long term goals but instead procrastinate, spending time on stuff that our prefrontal cortex would disapprove of but the limbic system rejoices at because of some instant reward. Fascinating stuff. You may also want to read "Thinking, Fast and Slow" by Daniel Kahneman, a Nobel Prize laureate who passed away earlier this year.

But at any rate, what you write seems so very odd. There is this woman who in the past married for sheer convenience, who has been using another man for 13 years for sheer convenience, probably misleading him, at least in the beginning, who is not independent, who seems to be using her dx (diagnosis) to come up with excuses for her not being independent and for other things as well, and you are trying so hard to win her over? I think you need a good therapist with whom you can reality test, strategize, and get a second, levelheaded opinion on your proposed plan of action.

What have your past relationships been? Is it the first time that you plan to be the sole provider in a couple? I did not read the whole thread but only a couple of your posts.

I am reading more in the thread.

In which state does she live where she has a "psychologist" who "prescribes medication"? I have not fact checked but briefly looked at Google AI output which listed only 6 states in the whole of US where psychologists are authorized to prescribe medications. Arizona is not amongst them, but I know she lives far from you so it is possible that she is in one of those states but the likelihood is slim.

And since you said that you had read a lot about bipolar, you would most definitely know that as a rule, psychologists do not prescribe medications. And if you knew it, why didn't you preface this post with "She lives in one of those few states where psychologists prescribe medications, so she does not have a psychiatrist"?

Had you been going to write something so odd, so unusual, while addressing a group of people who, for the most part, are being seen by psychiatrists, and many are separately seen by psychotherapists, you would have somehow qualified what you said, somehow explained that yes, this is unusual, but it is so because of where she lives. But you did not do that. So strange. Gets stranger and stranger. I am beginning to think, as others have said before...

Plus, what you are describing is not mixed episodes but separate episodes of either mania, too much energy and not enough sleep, or depression, no energy at all. Makes me doubt that you actually read those books on bipolar you claimed to have read. And, if, as the story has changed, she works full time, how does she manage to work during the periods of depression so deep that she cannot move at all? You did not cover that.

I have finally read the whole thread. This is the second post in which you refer to your man-parts working stupendously. I agree that at 64, you would regard it as a blessing. But at the same time, you go on to say that she is the first woman you have ever fallen in love with. So, you fell in love with after age 60 which is unusual. And as we know, with man-parts, or muscles, or many skills, it is use it or lose it. So since yours work so well now, you must have used them all along. But... not with women? so... all through masturbation? For many decades? How did you, excuse the pun, keep it up all these years?

Also, here you say that you have money in the bank, 2 cars, no debts, but elsewhere you say that you do not have money, that you have none. And you say that in that other place on this thread to prove that she is not marrying you for money. So, do you have money or do you not have money?

Further, that diamond ring. Where is it now? On her finger? Or in a secret box in her bedroom? if the former, did the husband not notice?

Yet further, you call the husband MF. Why so? What did he do to you, to her, to both, to deserve being called a MF?

This is all seriously, majorly confusing.

That can be the case. Effective bipolar management does include routines. There is a whole evidence-based therapy tailored to bipolar, called Social Rhythms, that reinforces the routines.

But... I assume that she can have showers at your house, can get her pills ready at your house, and sleep 8-10 hours at your house. And rinse and repeat. So that part should not be a challenge. The woman can have her routine at your house.

If she lives so far from you and depends on going to work regularly where she lives and this cannot be switched to a remote mode, then yes, losing this employment will disrupt her routine and also deprive her of the stream of income until she finds a replacement job. So it would have been pretty clear had you said that she hesitates to move in with you because she values and depends upon her current job which must be in person only. But you did not say that. Moreover, you changed the story: she did not work and then she worked. So, again, this is just so very weird. It has been awhile since I read something that weird on these forums, and we on here are not the most boring people, I say .

I also see now that you wrote to Divine that you could not take the abuse and hence your disappeared. But if you are lying on the forum, then you are abusing Divine and other posters before her, not in the sense of "inflicting psychological abuse", but in the older sense of the word "abuse", meaning abusing their trust in your integrity, their belief that you came here with a bona fide problem, and resulting in their wasting their time on a liar when it could have been spent helping a person truly in need.

I do not mean that you are a liar, just that you said odd things that can rationally give rise to a belief that you are not telling the truth. If this belief is unfounded, please do explain yourself and give some accounting for these glaring contradictions in the story so far.

Instead, you are falsely accusing Divine and possibly others who posted before her, of abusing you. This is uncool. I hope you will come back to the thread you started.

The whole story just turned around to be not what was originally described.

Brian said that she’s fully dependent, so he’s been saving money so she didn’t have to work when she moved with him. In addition he planned for her to cook and clean in his house when she moved in with him.

Well it sounds that she’d have to give up a lot to be with him.

Give up what sounds like a good job, become dependent on Brian, cook and clean, which we don’t know if she does that at home or not. If her and her husband are well off, she likely has someone to clean the house. Now she’ll have to do cleaning. All while depending on Brian.

It doesn’t sound that she has fear of change but rather is hesitant to give her entire life up. She’s not acting impulsively and that’s a plus. Perhaps her affair seemed exciting for her at first or perhaps she got into it while manic or intoxicated (if she really is bipolar and has substance abuse problem). She might also feel remorse leaving her husband as he’s getting old. He doesn’t sound like bad man who deserves to be dumped in old age with no warning.

Now she’s told to give up so much, her opinion on the whole thing changed. 50 year old woman is smart enough not to give up her job and independence and go cook and clean and depend on someone she barely knows. Having bipolar disorder is irrelevant here. She was originally described as someone unable to make decisions, but it’s actually quite the opposite

Brilliant