Bipolar Check-in #83

saw gastro dr today for issues ive been havng for months. turns out i can get in sooner if i ask to talkt otheir office specicically. my dr was upset ive been waiiting 2 months. she took 9 vials of blook and did an abdomne xray. should hear back soon.

Holy cow! We had soooo many kids come starting at 4 that I ran out of two huge giant bags of candy in only an hour! Of course basing my giving on last year when we only had a few I was giving out 3 candies per kid. After the second bag I only gave one but I still ran out early! Everyone was taking of getting dressed up but only 3 of us did. Just took the make up off and my face is raw. Used lotion but still! In an hour we have the dirty bingo. I’m ready for that!

@Blueberrybook

That sounds so scary. I'm so sorry to hear about the anxiety and paranoia you've been experiencing about ending up in the psych hospital again. Usually summers are hardest for me for some reason. I tend to go crazy in the spring/summer, and in the winter I can be not fine, but it’s also a more calm time for me. I think because everything is quiet and dead and buried beneath snow and ice, like the world is sleeping, which puts my brain at ease, and then in the spring things melt and wake up and all hell breaks loose!

Why won't your psychiatrist prescribe you prn seroquel for your anxiety/paranoia? Hydroxyzine sucks. Never worked for me. I hope it helps you though.

I'm SO incredibly stressed about Tuesday. I was in a good mood this morning. Listening to some Type O Negative (because you have to listen to Type O on Halloween!), wrote in my journal, ate a delicious breakfast, scrolled on my phone and texted for a bit, took a shower, and then my husband got up and reminded me of the election and mentioned Elon Musk, and my day went downhill from there!!!!

I had a quiet day. Mention of food abuse: I played some good Scrabble. I got a play worth 119, NARTHEX, it's a part of a Church. My mom taught it to me and i've never forgotten. It's the second time i played it.

My mild depression was tolerable today. It was an undemanding day. I did a few light chores and got out for a short walk. It was our warmest Halloween on record, tho it rained early in the evening, while it was still light out, so i think the kids were okay. I messaged with my friend and attended a ZOOM support group until it got too unpleasant, then i quit, but both things were good company.

I found a new form of torture today.

I went to get my labs done. When I first got there the lab was closed for lunch, which had never happened before. They also had a new kiosk to sign in which was also new. Turns out the hospital has contracted out lab services. I used to go to that lab company in the city (someone even recognized me) but have gone to the hospital for at least a year.

I left for lunch hour and came back at opening time. Except they never came out to open up. They left the sign on the kiosk that said closed for lunch. I really would have been fine waiting but they were showing an orange man rally on the big screen tv and I couldn't handle it. I was joined by someone equally antsy but I didn't want to make a negative comment on the chosen tv show since a large majority here are for the man. I popped a Seroquel it got so bad. I finally just took the sign off the kiosk and we both signed in and when they let us in I was as polite as I could be but made it clear the 15 minute wait wasn't appreciated. I should have said that it was because they had TORTURED me for that time but figured that was a big over-dramatic. It was however not far from true and I've been hearing him over and over in my head since I left 7 hours ago. I now know the worst head noise ever.


The guy who waited with me was done first because there were issues with my paperwork and on his way out he apologized to his tech for something with a happy "I'm bipolar!". So if you are Caleb and were tortured by a lab company today, "Hi!".

My cough and post nasal drip came back this afternoon. It really scares the crap out of me when it happens because it feels like I can't breathe until I can cough some stuff up. It didn't last too long though so I think the med is helping. I ate like over 3 thousand calories today since a side effect is extreme hunger. But thats really the only bad side effect I've been having. I have 3 days left of it.

I spoke too soon. I fell asleep for 20 minutes and woke up with a wheezing wet cough. I still think its just covid leftovers.

That's bull. Sometimes all I want is milk. Like, I may be thinking "I should eat [whatever else] for [some other reason than why I should drink milk]," but I figure my body is craving milk because it needs something in milk. So I drink the milk, then I'm all set. If instead of milk I had whatever else, it wouldn't be the same, and after I would still want the dam milk! Same thing with salty stuff, pasta, etc. The other day it was time for lunch and I did not want to eat anything, but I was massively craving pickle juice. Drank some, and then I could get a sammich in (w/pickles of course)

basically the heart wants what it wants, but the stomach wants what the stomach needs

I just got back from a lovely morning with my son who has no school today. We went to the mall and he bought new goggles and a water gun. Then we went to a café by the beach and I ate a smoked salmon salad. It felt like the healthiest option there. Then my son went for a splash in the waves. It was a lot of travelling but my heart is content ❤️

I'm sorry for your loss @Scooter9


There's some girl drama happening with my students so that's fun. Kids can be so mean. One kid lost a tooth today-it was cute how he wanted a bag to take it home even though he's in junior high.

I'm doing okay today. I was able to wear jeans and Halloween colors to work so that was nice. I'm trying to work up to courage to message my counselor to say I've decided to stop going. The part of me that doesn't like confrontation just wants to cancel the few appointments I have scheduled and leave it at that, but I feel like I should at least let them know why I decided to cancel them all.

I tried the apple thing last year. All that happened is I ate so many apples that I no longer really like them.

I think eating what your body wants is much healthier, as long as you eat within reason. I mean I eat my 1200 calories as healthy as possible but that doesn't mean I don't sometimes have ice cream or something. In fact I usually have some form of a treat in the evening and just allow the calories for that. And it works for me.

I'm going to have to try another apple sometime soon....but not as the primary snack.

Because I was expecting a dose change I didn't put my clozaril in my pill box this week. I've just been taking it each day.

Tonight I am still rattled by my orange man experience and I forgot. So I didn't fall asleep and am annoyed with myself. I did put it in the pill box until I see her.

I can't believe 15 minutes of a speech upset me so much. I have only seen bits of his talks, never that much of one. I hope I never hear another because that was horrifying.

Is it normal to be in a lot of stomach pain from steroids? I woke up half an hour ago and I'm all crampy and nauseated and I have bad heartburn and I've been throwing up since last night.

I worked with a woman who was on the small side who was eating like 3 big apples a day thinking they were healthful, but was told they were too high in sugar for her and to have only a half or a small one.