Bipolar Check-in #83

ughim so over homework. i just did like 6 hours of homewokr. i had t watch a disney film as 2 hours of it. encanto. was cute. we had to analyze the family for family systems.

now im tiiiiiired!!!

I just got my highest score in Scrabble GO ever 579! The day was redeemed! I really tried hard and got the plays.

I'm restless and can't concentrate. I feel like texting my angry, scary mother and just confronting her and finally asking her why she dislikes my husband so much. We've been together since 2001. At my appointment my therapist couldn't understand why my mom couldn't just be happy for me because I have a husband who has stuck by me all these years and we obviously love each other very much, and we have a wonderful daughter together.

I just want to know WHY. My mother makes me so... INFURIATED.

She wants to go to Daughter's orchestra concert in January, but I'm not inviting her because my daughter doesn't want her to come.

As I type this, it's raining outside! The sound is the perfect background noise for me while I catch up on posts. It sounds like it's a pretty good downpour out there.

The last two days have been okay. Work really knocked me out POTs wise yesterday so I was in bed at 7 pm, fell asleep around 8:30 pm or 9:00 pmm and didn't get up until around 9:30 am this morning. It helped enough where I was able to get some stuff done today, so that's good. It's clear the snowbirds are back because traffic has been heavier again when I'm out and about.

My mood was a little off for some of today, mainly because I had a couple of scary things happen back to back while I was running errands so that through me off for a bit. But, getting out for a walk and getting some grading done has helped me feel a little better. It's about 6:30 pm here-outside of maybe folding laundry, I plan on relaxing for the rest of the night.

I'm looking into volunteering for my local chapter of the American Foundation of Suicide Prevention. I don't know a ton about them, but signed up for a Volunteers 101 zoom session they have later this month to see if it's something I'd like to do/would be able to get involved with.

She ate, drank, when outside, took her medicine 2x, got on my bed twice, got on the couch several times, peed on it, went through the trash, even squished her ball some. I'm so happy! Yesterday she was just laying and crying today she's great.

Now do I take the captyla that I just got?

For at least a week my tongue has been numb. I thought maybe it was a new brand of flouride from the dentist or some weird thing from the high clozaril levels. Turns out it's probably the clozaril and I've been rubbing my tongue on the roof of my mouth and my top teeth unconsciously. Better than having it visible that I'm doing this but not good. I'm becoming scared I'm going to wind up IP for a med transition. I can't imagine going off clozaril because it really does work for me but keeping the level right is challenging.


I guess I'll know Monday when I talk to my pdoc.

@HALLIEBETH87 my therapist used to teach counseling and he used Everyone Loves Raymond for family systems.


Encanto is really cute.

@Victoria'smom I think you should take the Caplyta. You need a med of some kind and hopefully this will work. You've been without meds for too long and you need to feel better.

@Victoria'smom

I agree with BeyondtheRainbow. Take the med.

Damn it. I'm too freaked out to sleep, even after taking my night meds 🌙, which I took at 9PM! My head fcking hurts. I know it's stupid of me to be wasting so much energy freaking out about this. I voted. What else can I really do? Nothing.

Im so tempted to text my mom. Right now.

No. DO NOT TEXT YOUR MOM, RASPBERRY. That would be a very bad idea!

I can't sleep and have stress chest pains, so I took a melatonin and a seroquel, but that was an hour ago and I'm still not sleepy! In fact, I've never felt more awake in my life. I feel like I just took a steroid or something, instead of a seroquel and a melatonin! I'm listening to the new Cure album (which is quite good by the way) trying to calm down.

I think I'm going to just lay here in the dark for a while. It's raining outside and nice and toasty warm in our bedroom and I can't really concentrate or calm down enough to do anything productive anyway. I want to write. I'm feeling the creative urge. ✨️ Which is great! Means I'm on an upswing.

Cool! For my example I used Roseanne lol the doesn’t matter clip. It’s so funny

@raspberrytorte - I was on alprazolam for awhile, and that really helped, got taken off it, don't know why and started on clonazepam. I haven't tried any other benzos. I am going to beg pdoc for something at my next appt. Maybe at a lower dose, I wouldn't be so forgetful on clonazepam. I had been up to 4 mg a day when the forgetfulness got bad.

@BeyondtheRainbow I have that thing with my tongue too, constantly moving it in my mouth or if I stick it out. Fortunately for me it's not so bad it makes my tongue numb. In my case, the Seroquel causes it. When I've been off Seroquel, it goes away.

I'm doing okay this morning but I've had 3 panic attacks already today Some of it is this election. I mean, I'm worrying about it even when I'm trying to fall asleep! I've even dreamed about it though fortunately I dreamed Harris won. And I just have a lot of holiday stuff coming up - an early Thanksgiving with my extended family, Thanksgiving day with the family of one of my daughter's friends, my daughter's birthday, Christmas with my extended family, going to see Christmas lights with my daughter's friend's family, Christmas Day, and the anniversary of that sexual assault, not to mention ending up in the psych hospital this time of year the past 2 years in a row. It's overwhelming.

I tried to relax by doing a gentle pilates video, and it helped while I was doing it, but the effect wore off pretty quickly. I wish I could get this anxiety under control!

Anxiety really is a bytch. I'm not a big fan of the holidays either. I would be, if I could just spend it with my husband and daughter and not extended family. I find it overwhelming, with my young niece and nephew and their two loud dogs, and my husband's mom's house is kind of small, and I'm naturally a introvert, so it's really draining for me having to be so social. I usually end up leaving early.

@Blueberrybook

I hope your psychiatrist gives you something. Is your psychiatrist nice? Is he willing to work with you?

I feel off today. Just tired I guess. I slept from 8PM-6AM and I've been sluggish today. I haven't had any coffee just some Coke Zero. I don't feel anxious. Just blah. And as they say in those commercials everything is moving fine. So I'm not sure whats up today.

I slept zero hours the night before last and last night I slept 3 hours.

I need to ****ing sleep, I can’t function like this

I can’t go another night without sleep. I can’t. Idk what to do though it’s a Sunday it’s not like I can call my psychiatrist. I might temporarily increase my Thorazine just for tonight to 300mg. I used to be on 400mg so I don’t think it’s an issue and my psychiatrist is generally fine with that if I need to. My dose has gone up and down over the years depending on how my sleep has been. I feel like this is an emergency but idk if I’m overreacting but I feel like my brain is melting from lack of sleep but my brain won’t shut off at the same time and I can’t freaking sleep. I think I’ll go up to 300 mg tonight then call him tomorrow morning to let him know what’s going on with my sleep. I have to force myself to sleep somehow. I feel like another night without sleep or with barely any sleep will be a tipping point into psychosis and I can’t do it.