Bipolar Check-in #83

I have a feeling I won’t be getting any sleep tonight. My bad for hyping myself up on caffeine this late (it’s 11:30pm and I just had 2 cups). So I think it’s gonna be an all nighter tonight then reset my sleep schedule tomorrow night.

Tomorrow I need to take a walk to the store to buy some household essentials. Also gonna practice violin. Work on art. Get on the treadmill. Shower. And vacuum my apartment. Same things on Sunday cause I do my essentials trip in multiple trips cause I have to carry heavy things like cat litter and stuff pretty far back to my apartment. So another trip to the store that day plus a trip to the grocery store. Violin, art, shower, meal prep some of the food I bought, clean my entire apartment and do laundry. That’s the weekend plans. Monday I have an appointment. Tuesday I’m going to vote.

I like to stay busy otherwise I get bored and restless

I slept 7 hours straight without waking up in stomach pain or coughing or getting sick. It was weird. I did have a lot of anxiety from missing my 1AM meds. So I took them and a valium. I'm starting to feel ok although I do feel unsettled still about things. I only have 3 doses left of the steroid. It really helped with the cough though.

I didn't really sleep. I layed down around 3am and when I looked back at the clock it was 4am , I think I just kind of layed there half asleep semi awake. So hopefully a better night of sleep tonight.

It's 6am now. I'm going to the store in a couple hours to buy household essentials. I also need to get socks and a new beanie hat for winter.

I'm just up listening to music right now, Nirvana.

Trying to come up with an idea of what to draw later, I'm not sure if I'm gonna pre plan something, do a still life, or sketch something entirely random from imagination. I'm probably not drawing till around 9:30am though once I get back from the store so I have time to think it over.

I need to practice scales today on the violin. The B flat major is probably the most difficult one so far for me, I need to work on that. But it's fun working on scales.

My mood is good. I'm just lacking sleep so I feel a little crappy physically. Hope you all have a great day!

Sometimes I feel like I've gotten nowhere in terms of my mental health but I think I have improved a ton over the years. I haven't been in the hospital in 7 years. I used to end up inpatient frequently with manic episodes, psychosis, and in general my day to day mental health is so much better than it used to be.

I attribute it to a good combo of meds, good coping skills, great psychiatrists, therapists, my day treatment program I was in for a few years taught me a lot too. I'm very thankful

At my appointment my therapist told me I should do some self reflection on my growth and how far I've come over the years as far as my mental health goes, and I realized I don't even remember a lot from my thirties when I was really sick, like I had a drunken black out or something! It's awful. It's like a whole ten years of my life is just wiped from my memory. I remember hardly anything from my daughter's childhood. It was just a bad ten years. It makes me sad. 😔

Oh, man I had a day yesterday.


This morning, I feel like a truck ran me over even though I slept for 10 hr. I'm just taking it easy today, skipping pilates and just relaxing.

Did the one you take have more CBD in it or THC? The ones my husband got from his coworker have more CBD. Sorry to hear about your panic attack. That really sucks.

I don’t know. I got it from a friend. Bad decision! Just glad I feel better mentally at least!

I'm happy you feel better too! The first time I smoked it, it gave me a bad panic attack that lasted HOURS. I felt like I was dying! Whenever I smoke it, I have to ward off feelings of panic and paranoia, but I think it all depends on the strain. CBD seems to be nicer for anxiety.

I’ve been cleaning obsessively all day today even though I haven’t slept and am kind of also exhausted. I can’t seem to stop. Every time I sit down I get back up and start doing something else

I just want to sleep but I can’t sit still, keep pacing and cleaning

Are you feeling a little manic?

You've been doing an awful lot as of late!

@raspberrytorte fruit isn't bad for you, it's just one of those things you don't want to overdo. Like I said, the sugar isn't processed/refined like in candy and it breaks down slower, and there is a lot of other good stuff in various fruits too

I woke up every hour eek. I’ve been on my iPad since 3am. It’s 4am. Can’t sleep for anything. I’ve been researching counselling courses. The one that looks most viable has 160 work placement. How am I meant to do that if I teach full time.

We’re looking at going away in December and wanted to take our dog with us but all the places are saying no pets. I think my partner is going to have to book our Labrador in to boarding kennels.

@Blueberrybook, Yeah, even when I self identified as a stoner, I wouldn’t typically do edibles because they take longer to kick in, but when they do it’s hard and lasts too long. Not as much dose control, and it’s not like you can take a hit, say “I don’t like this strain,” and not continue to have it breakdown in your system for seemingly forever.

At this point I do find myself in situations where people have weed around (from out of state dispensaries thank God for Maine for not having Sununu for governor), and I get tempted until I see something like 23.7% THC. I know that’s going to leave me pacing around thinking I’m gonna stop breathing at any minute.

Somebody save me I’m in a car with my mom and she’s driving 😂 She’s such an anxious driver which is understandable, but after a point I think anxiety turns people into worse drivers (little bit is good obviously).

My team was supposed to give me some resources for paying for school on Tuesday. Still haven’t gotten any of that and med person said she’ll just email it in half an hour. That was 4 hours ago

It’s possible, I’m not sure though , but I keep adding stuff to my to do lists

I feel like trash right now. Lack of sleep (a full night without any sleep) used to not affect me this much but I’m 30 now and combined with my meds it feels like I got ran over by a train.

I’m just laying on the couch right now trying to pass the time till I can take my night meds tonight and can go to bed. I keep adding stuff to my to do lists. I can’t really focus right now. I started having a panic attack earlier but I managed to stop it.
So tomorrow I have:
-Walk to the store and buy rest of essentials
-take the bus to the store and grocery shopping
-deep clean apartment (which has 9 separate things I need to do underneath that bullet point)
-take a shower
-Art 30 min

That’s exactly how edibles affect me. I went through a phase 6 months ago where I started vaping THC and taking edibles for a few months. It pushed me into near psychosis and I felt like I was dying and it was a nightmare that never seemed to end. I stopped using any THC a few months ago and I don’t regret stopping. It made me a lot more unstable

Yeah, I thought edibles were supposed to be relaxing. I did have times when I thought I was going to pass out, but that is definitely NOT relaxing. I've just been having a lot of anxiety & panic attacks lately, and my pdoc won't prescribe me anything but hydroxyzine for them, which doesn't help a bit.

I really, really hope after this election, I will be able to calm down but IDK if a certain someone wins?

I'm just going to not take the last 3 pills of the steroid. My cough and post nasal drip have been gone for 2 days and I'm really lethargic today. I was told to take what I could handle and I did pretty well.

I saw a bit of the news this morning and I felt a bit hopeful. I got groceries and I'm just hanging out now. But I should have gotten my coffee caffeinated this mornig.

I swear my room is haunted. Its 70 degrees in the house and my room is freezing. And its a big mess which is unlike me. I am OCD neat but I have stuff all over the floor and my bed today and my mom has complained twice about it.

I took a half hour stress nap. I feel better. I should eat something now I guess.

I’ve just put in an application for an air bnb over Christmas. Please hold thumbs that the owner accepts our application ☺️

Two of the spots were benign and two were melanoma. All were removed. It’s not so surprising. I lived at the next door pool every summer growing up, went to Florida two weeks every year and had a boat the first 45 years of my life. I need to be more careful in future. I’m certain I’ll have to address this again.

I’m feeling a bit down today. Sad really. I guess it’s just a lot on my plate and mom’s declining cognitive function. Her psychiatrist took her off Wellbutrin. It’s been a tough adjustment. She doesn’t think clearly and gets easily confused and agitated.

The women who travel group that I’m a member of has a retreat in Bali in the fall that I’d like to go to and then 6 countries in 2026. Greece, Italy and the Swiss Alps is all I remember. I’d like to go to all.

I’m on a waitlist to get into Harness - a support group for women with mental illness that sometimes gets in the way of them living life.

I hope everybody has a peaceful evening.

I think I'm going to cry if a certain individual wins on Tuesday. Last time this certain individual won it put me in a month long depression. I've been so wired and stressed and anxious as of late! I mean, I just took some seroquel to calm my *** down and it's not working, and that was an hour ago!!!

@Blueberrybook

Did you ask your psychiatrist if you can go back on prn seroquel because it helps you more than hydroxyzine? If you haven't, I'd ask. I mean, you already take seroquel anyway. And hydroxyzine sucks. Tell him you're having SEVERE panic attacks and anxiety and you NEED prn seroquel because hydroxyzine isn't strong enough.

@raspberrytorte - I asked the pdoc for prn Seroquel a few months back, and he wouldn't prescribe it saying I already take 300 mg Seroquel at night and he doesn't want to add more. I see him again in 2 weeks; I will ask again then. There are times I wish I had not gotten off clonazepam.

@Sunflower123 Glad you had those spots removed. I had a mole removed recently that came back as intermediately abnormal, and I have to go back this coming week to have more removed to get all the abnormal margins taken care of. Can't say I'm looking forward to that.

I've decided I don't like the way THC, edibles, the devil's lettuce, etc., makes me feel. I'm no longer going to partake in it. It makes my heart and throat feel tight, like I'm on the verge of having a panic attack.