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  #1  
Old Jan 13, 2025, 09:58 PM
MuddyBoots's Avatar
MuddyBoots MuddyBoots is offline
Where am I?
 
Member Since: Sep 2020
Location: Live Free or Die!
Posts: 7,105
When all your thoughts are violent towards yourself and others and any color that's there is just tricking you because it's a poison like "oooh I'm a cute little toad, ooops, now you're vomiting until you die."

What the F is this world and WHY do I have to be a part of it? Why do I get shyt for wanting out? Is it because I haven't had an abortion and am "a good person?" Does a good person cause someone to kill herself? Does a good person get into physical fights with family members? Does a good person enable those family members to their deaths? Does a good person scream for no fking reason other than the monster can't fit inside?

What do you do when being waterboarded sounds like a better option than waking up in the morning?
__________________
"I don't know what I'm looking for."
"Why not?"
"Because...because...I think it might be because if I knew I wouldn't be able to look for them."
"What, are you crazy?"
"It's a possibility I haven't ruled out yet,"
Hugs from:
raspberrytorte, unaluna, volsinchy

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  #2  
Old Jan 13, 2025, 10:38 PM
Victoria'smom's Avatar
Victoria'smom Victoria'smom is offline
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Member Since: Apr 2012
Location: Earth
Posts: 15,919
I feel like a monster too.but intent is a big thing the step between wanting/fantasizing to do something and actions are two different things. You are a good person. Despite the fighting and all the **** you've been through. You can not cause a suicide unless you were actively helping and even then I could argue. Enabling is misguided love.

I know waking up is hard. Fighting is hard, it's okay to drift a little and come back, rest and recharge but don't give in.
__________________
Dx:
Me- SzA
Husband- Bipolar 1
Daughter- mood disorder+


Comfortable broken and happy

"So I don't know why I'm tongue tied At the wrong time when I need this."- P!nk
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  #3  
Old Jan 14, 2025, 01:20 AM
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unaluna unaluna is online now
Elder Harridan x-hankster
 
Member Since: Jun 2011
Location: Milan/Michigan
Posts: 42,180
The Borg have it right: Resistance is futile.
  #4  
Old Jan 14, 2025, 03:34 PM
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Victoria'smom Victoria'smom is offline
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Member Since: Apr 2012
Location: Earth
Posts: 15,919
How are you doing today?
__________________
Dx:
Me- SzA
Husband- Bipolar 1
Daughter- mood disorder+


Comfortable broken and happy

"So I don't know why I'm tongue tied At the wrong time when I need this."- P!nk
My blog
  #5  
Old Jan 15, 2025, 11:51 AM
MuddyBoots's Avatar
MuddyBoots MuddyBoots is offline
Where am I?
 
Member Since: Sep 2020
Location: Live Free or Die!
Posts: 7,105
A day late, but pretty friggin bad. I no longer have a therapist so that's cool that my only warning was my inuition. They switched my meds monday (? I think. I don't know what days are) and I don't even know when I'll be able to try them because gotta <3 pharmacies

Apparently two nights ago I went to the ER. I don't remember anything about that, but I have the wrist band and a bunch of lab reports in my email.
__________________
"I don't know what I'm looking for."
"Why not?"
"Because...because...I think it might be because if I knew I wouldn't be able to look for them."
"What, are you crazy?"
"It's a possibility I haven't ruled out yet,"
Hugs from:
June08, Moose72, raspberrytorte, unaluna, Victoria'smom
  #6  
Old Jan 15, 2025, 01:02 PM
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Victoria'smom Victoria'smom is offline
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Member Since: Apr 2012
Location: Earth
Posts: 15,919
I'm sorry is there anything we can do to help?
__________________
Dx:
Me- SzA
Husband- Bipolar 1
Daughter- mood disorder+


Comfortable broken and happy

"So I don't know why I'm tongue tied At the wrong time when I need this."- P!nk
My blog
  #7  
Old Jan 15, 2025, 11:35 PM
MuddyBoots's Avatar
MuddyBoots MuddyBoots is offline
Where am I?
 
Member Since: Sep 2020
Location: Live Free or Die!
Posts: 7,105
Probably not, but I really appreciate the offer. You guys are the best I think I just need to work on...well, a lot. I don't really know where to begin right now.
__________________
"I don't know what I'm looking for."
"Why not?"
"Because...because...I think it might be because if I knew I wouldn't be able to look for them."
"What, are you crazy?"
"It's a possibility I haven't ruled out yet,"
Hugs from:
June08, Moose72, raspberrytorte, Victoria'smom, volsinchy
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