You guys are smarter than me, what do you do? (Trigger)

When all your thoughts are violent towards yourself and others and any color that's there is just tricking you because it's a poison like "oooh I'm a cute little toad, ooops, now you're vomiting until you die."

What the F is this world and WHY do I have to be a part of it? Why do I get shyt for wanting out? Is it because I haven't had an abortion and am "a good person?" Does a good person cause someone to kill herself? Does a good person get into physical fights with family members? Does a good person enable those family members to their deaths? Does a good person scream for no fking reason other than the monster can't fit inside?

What do you do when being waterboarded sounds like a better option than waking up in the morning?

I feel like a monster too.but intent is a big thing the step between wanting/fantasizing to do something and actions are two different things. You are a good person. Despite the fighting and all the **** you've been through. You can not cause a suicide unless you were actively helping and even then I could argue. Enabling is misguided love.

I know waking up is hard. Fighting is hard, it's okay to drift a little and come back, rest and recharge but don't give in.

The Borg have it right: Resistance is futile.

How are you doing today?

A day late, but pretty friggin bad. I no longer have a therapist so that's cool that my only warning was my inuition. They switched my meds monday (? I think. I don't know what days are) and I don't even know when I'll be able to try them because gotta <3 pharmacies

Apparently two nights ago I went to the ER. I don't remember anything about that, but I have the wrist band and a bunch of lab reports in my email.

I'm sorry is there anything we can do to help?

Probably not, but I really appreciate the offer. You guys are the best I think I just need to work on...well, a lot. I don't really know where to begin right now.