When do you say enough is enough?

I don't think I can handle any of this anymore. I feel like the more I try the worse I get. Or the less I try the worse I get. If I don't try, I get worse. If I try a little, I get worse. If I don't sleep, I get worse. If I do sleep...well idk because it's been like at least three months months since I slept more than 3 hours straight (unless you include sui attempts by overdosing, then I got about two okay nights in the past three months).

Every time I go to the hospital it seems more and more pointless. The last one I went to didn't even have groups. I spent more time in the ER than at the actual DRF because IEAs don't have any kind of decent process here, and I wound up going to a hospital I shouldn't have even been at because of the intensity of my aggression/panic in the ER (I could literally be on trial right now if the notes are accurate but if I wasn't having a "mental breakdown" and "getting treatment" at the time (total BS)), but if I got sent to the place I should've gone I would've spent 10 business days in the ER and then gone home because the waitlist is massive and an IEA can only hold for 2 weeks + any holidays.

I feel more fked up than ever. I'm sick of everything. I'll probably take my 20000000 sleeping pills and feel super fking manic again like I did last night instead of actually, idk, sleeping????

Is there any coming back at this point or am I just doomed?

@MuddyBoots, I can see you're struggling.

I know I said this to you a long time ago, but I really mean it - you don't have to pick up every thread all at once. It's ok to set some aside.

I’m struggling to pick up a single thread right now.

Yeah, I understand how frustrating it can be. The process of trying to get help, and following all of the steps you're told to follow. And when you reach another dead end, you just grow more weary. I had to deal with that for years. I agree with @Scooter9

Which threads are most important and how do I “pick them up?”

@MuddyBoots sorry if I misunderstood anything (threads as in the posts on this forum? or as a metaphor for the problems in life?).

Muddy, I think you see the patterns in your life and in your treatments.

The thing is, as you said, you keep circling, coming back to the same point every time. I think that's also a pattern you might not see because you're so close to it, and that's ok.

I think it's important to separate what others expect or want from you and what you want. It's a big question, but it's worth answering.

I think you're stuck in a loop that isn't getting you where you want to be and bumping into dead ends, probably because you've reached the end of what the approach has to offer.

One possibility is that you're in survival mode. While it certainly is helpful, it got you here after all, it has its limits and I think you're bumping into them over and over again.

Maybe search using terms like addicted to survival mode, or something along those lines, and you'll be amazed at what comes up because it might really resonate with you.

I recently reached the same point where you are now and I realized I had reached the end of what survival mode had to offer. My life is still changing but I'm on a different path now which is making a huge difference.

Yeah, did some reading and am definitely still stuck in survival mode. I feel like I've been here/there all my life and I have no clue how else to live. I don't think I've ever seriously planned for the future and I don't know how to do that. Like, people plan for being around in three months? In three years? IN THREE DECADES???? I can't imagine thinking that far ahead. Three days out is when "future" starts becoming an unrealistic thing.

Yup, I get it, you can't see a future at all, and that's ok. I've been there, too.

The thing is, you don't have to think of the future - it hasn't happened yet and we really have no way of knowing whether it'll ever happen. You have what you have now and that's what you can change.

Once you see you're in survival mode, you need to decide if that's where you want to stay. It has its benefits for sure, but if you're at the point where you want to try something else, then you have to make that conscious choice.

We all actually choose, it's just that we make the choice without being aware of it for a lots of reasons: conditioning, environment, expectations, society, etc. All of those things essentially bake in the decision making process so that it becomes seamless and invisible.

Regardless of how we do it, living a certain way - survival mode or otherwise - is a choice we make and, conveniently, enforce on ourselves.

Fortunately you can also choose to live another way and that begins with making the choice to go another route.

Making the switch out of survival mode isn't so straightforward, because survival mode brings with it all kinds of behaviors and coping methods that, while useful in survival mode, are no longer helpful, and it can be really hard to change those behaviors.

I am living that right now and I'm amazed at how my methods of coping and relating are so deeply ingrained. It is really challenging to see those behaviors in a new light and to take the next step and change myself. It's definitely not a short-term, quick fix approach.

I don't have all of the answers, I am still finding my way. I was on the same path as you are now, and literally came to the realization that survival mode had run its course for me. I wanted, and continue to want, to live differently and it's working out so far. It's not easy, but it's better than what I had before.