[TexSinginMom]

Hello everyone and Valentine's Day! I have a 14yo girl that is dx Bipolar and AdHd. She is becoming sooo defiant, mean, sneaky, a liar, thief, I cud go on and on. She has no fear or respect of authority. Her principal wrote her up for her attitude and she waddled it up and threw on the floor. She told me the other day that I agitate her because I tell her too many things at one time. She wont clean her room and resents being told to do so. She awakes in the middle of the night and sneaks food.

She has little to no priviledges because of the things she does around here. She called me from school yesterday and informed me she was staying for the school dance and I informed her she was dreaming. Right now I can still get thru to her somewhat but I think the day is coming where I wont be able to.

We havent made it to therapy in a cple of weeks because my other 2 kids had the flu. She thinks she is trying out for the dance team for next yearm but Im thinking maybe I shudnt let her. She has to learn some tuff consequences for her actions.

She is the best dancer on the dance team right now and I hate to pull her, thinking it might back fire on me...but something has to get thru to her.

Her therapist explained to me that her brain isnt even connecting that way...to reason like that.

Any thoughts on this?

[AAAAA]

I totally understand your point on the dance team, but an extra cirricular activity might just be the thing she needs.

My niece was this way from puberty on, she learned at a very young age that she could pretty much do what she wanted and there was very little that her parents could do about it.

When they grounded her, she left anyway. They couldn't lock her in her room, that's child abuse. They took refused to let her take driver's ed because she wasn't showing she was responsible enough to have a license. She stole her mother's car keys and wrapped the car around a tree, luckily the she and the girl with her walked away unharmed. At 14 she got drunk out of her mind right next to the Sheriff's Department. She was on probation for a million different things. She's been in therapy for years and on several different medications. I wish I could tell you that they found some way of making her behave, but they really didn't.

She turned 18 last month. She seems to be turning her life around now. She's still in High School and will graduate in June, but she knows now that her are not longer required to put up with her behavior and all of her consequences are on her now.

It's hard being a teenaged girl, through in the Bipolar and adhd and you can multiply that a million times. How do you separate the "normal" teenage rebellion from the symptoms of her illness. Is there perhaps a different therapist that she could see? One that specializes in difficult child behavior? Medication that would be appropriate? Have you tried talking to her when you're both calm and telling her flat out that you really don't want to take the priviledge of dance team away from her, but if she continues to behave like this she'll leave you no choice?

I'm really sorry that you're going through this. I'm sorry that she's so frustrated that she doesn't know what to do with herself. I'm sorry that I couldn't be more help.

[Seraph]

If you take away that privilege, she's likely to react. Research suggests that authoritarian parenting does not really benefit bipolar children.

Maybe you should try working out a deal. If she does _________, she can go to her dance lesson. If you take it away all together you're likely to just %#@&#! her off and make her even more defiant.

Besides, socializing is good for kids. Don't dish out harsh consequences just because you're frustrated.

[TexSinginMom]

I wudnt say Im taking away privileges because Im frustrated but she has to have consequences for her behavior. She is in quite a bit at school. Volleyball team, student council, girls club, etc. And yes AAAAA your right, we did have that calm talk and she came home from school and apologized. She said she thought about it and felt bad. Then when I said to her after school...I got an email today (thats all I said) she smacked her lips, rolled her eyes, and said...I know what your going to say but I did not disrespect that lady (the teacher)...I was laughing out loud in class about the annoucements. (which is disruptive)...I asked her...did you disrespect your principal...she said...no i did not....I asked, did you waddle up the discipline referral she gave you and throw it on the floor...yes i did, she replied...I said, well that is disrespect. (more eye rolling).

The principal didnt call me nor email me, she emailed the dance coach and asked for her help, the dance coach forwarded the email to me. I did write the principal back and tell her that I am the parent and we have already discussed this in detail and why wasnt I informed. But, I think she feels that the dance coach can make more of an impression on her because she is the "model student" in dance. Perfect conduct and everything.

No, I would never discipline a child because I was frustrated, if that be the case, she would be grounded for something every day, because this is a very frustrating situation. But she has to learn consequences, all of us do, whether we are kids or adults. Thats why she couldnt go to the dance that she never told me about.

I think she has a good chance of a dance scholarship if she contimues, she is just that good...and it pains me to even think about her out of dance. It also hurts me to see her heading down this path of destruction as well.

AAAA, yes her therapist specializes in teen Bipolar and she herself is Bipolar. My daughter loves her. They have a great relationship. The therapist has suggested that I go in to see her alone to dicuss some strategies to help her.

Thank you guys!

Thank you guys for your response

[AAAAA]

TexSinginMom,

I think that there's been a communication problem here, I didn't mean to imply YOU were frustrated, I meant that SHE was frustrated, all of those hormones running through her body that she's not familiar with causing emotions she doesn't know how to deal with then add the ADHD and bipolar... Even though she's acting out, and I fully agree that she's got to behave, I still feel for her. Being a teenager is hard, and I wouldn't go back and go through them again for anything!

I have a 14 year old twins. One of them struggles with anger issues. It's a problem that we've been working on for years. Once in a while he'll back slide, have a bad day at school, come home and something minor will set him off. When he gets like that the best thing that I've found to do is let him explode without reacting to difuse the situation. Granted, he's got to do the exploding in his room, but once he calms down we discuss it. We first try to figure out where he lost control, and what he could possibly do in the future not to get to that point. Then we discuss and appropriate punishment.

This whole situation is very difficult for my husband. He'd much rather react instantly to the situation, but as long as the boy is in his room and not hurting himself or anyone else I say let him blow. He's at a point that you can't do or say anything to difuse the situation, only make it worse.

The method we're using seems to work his outbursts are fewer and far between and we can see that he's actually trying to calm himself down when something happens that would have in the past sent him over the edge.

I'm really sorry for the misunderstanding. I really did not mean to imply that you frustrated and reacting.

[AAAAA]

Ooops, I just figured out where you were coming from, I'll go hide in the corner now!

[Bellax3]

Hi!
I'm 15, and bipolar.

I think what you've mentioned is a good idea. Make her earn her dance lessons. Talk it over with the coach (so she doesn't get kicked off for missing lessons) and every time she does something wrong, she either has to stay home, or her coach will discipline her in the lesson. (Running laps instead of dancing, ect) its really important that you keep in close contact with her coach, principal, teachers, and therapist. The most important thing is for her to know she can't get away with things. Make it clear ( perhaps put it in writing, and have her sign it, like a contract) what behaviors will earn what punishments. For example- Disrespect to you or a teacher equals an apology letter and 25 minutes of jogging at her lesson rather than dancing. A second offense that week means she has to jog an entire lesson with the apology letter, a third weekly offense, and she sits out the next recital/competition.

Hope this helps, and feel free to PM me if you want some perspective from a girl her age.

[TexSinginMom]

wow arent you wise beyond your years! Than you sooo much for that response. Yes, I would like to chat with you more on this.