How far is not too far?

My wife has recently(5 months ago) been diagnosed rapidly cycling bipolar I schizoaffective, borderline personality disorder, and PTSD after many years of misdiagnoses and wrong medications. We were repeatedly told she was just a drunk with some depression issues(Gotta love Michigan's mental health care!). Anyway, treatment and therapy are going reasonably well right now considering what she has going on(based upon what I am reading/studying), but I have a conundrum.

My situation is that I am about 18 months away from finishing up a buy-out of the company for which I work and am currently a partner. In the short-term this may mean less income or no change in income, longer hours(I already work 45-60/week), and more responsibility. Long term it may improve our quality of life in 20-25years when I retire. I can already see that when I hit a run of 14-16 hour days my wife worsens(even on meds), and then improves when I get a couple days off. Her mood also worsens if I let her "see" when things are going poorly at work. Now to my point....

I am considering scrapping the idea of buying this business because I believe it will hinder my wife's recovery and interfere with me caring for her. Is it too much for me to make a decision like that? Being a caregiver for a loved one with bipolar almost seems a fulltime job on its own. Is it reasonable or normal for a spouse in this situation to alter their career plans to simplify life to better care for their loved one? HAve others had to make similar decisons?

Thanks!
Skip

Hi Skip!

Welcome to PC. I am so glad your wife is finally getting the treatment she needs. It sounds like she is being compliant with her medications, thats a great thing. Have you talked to her about the impending longer days, and being away from home more? Sometimes in the beginning of our treatment, it makes us feel safer to have a loved one close. Do you or she have any other family that can drop in occasionally for some socializing? I've never been in your shoes, it sounds like an extremely difficult decision to make. Hope you are able to get some opinions/suggestions here at PC.


Dee

TY Dee. She is kinda med compliant anyway. I have begun doling them out for her in the past week. She lost one 'script and had no recollection of picking it up at the pharmacy, and had the other meds waaaaaaay off on how and how often she was taking. Unfortunately we do not have family close, and as is too often common with bipolar she has alienated all of our friends the past few years as she spiralled out of control.

We have discussed the lifestyle changes the career move would create, but she feels too guilty to give an honest answer to her feelings. I have accepted that bipolar is an illness like any other, but she still carries the stigma.
Skip

hey skip....

i am in the same boat with my wife. i am active duty military and trying to finish up these last 2 years i have on my contract (been in for 7 so far).
I am a nurse so i work shifts and crazy hours. when i work nights shes up all night... and then i get home she swarms me in the daytime leading to no sleep and me being cranky... which is no good for either of us.

she works in the mortgage/real estate sector... but there is a lot going on that i dont know about when she is not home...... .a lot of shady stories and her job is winding down now as she is stressing and loosing contracts becasue of the economy. her personal realtionships with people are very sporadic and come and go often. its hard for me to keep up. she likes to be in control of pretty much everything going on around the house... money.... where i am and what i am doing.... and she is not complaint with her meds at all...

there are things i would like to accomplish since my career is young as far as nursing goes. and it is hard to cope with everything that is goign on plus being active duty.

so i feel and know exactly what you are gong through as far as working crazy hours and lauching a new career ........

the funny thing is that we are finding out about this too and there aren't any easy answers. being a nurse has actually made things slightly worse for myself since i can no longer play the ignorance card (which is like a moral catch-22 anyway). i love my wife and want to help her..... truely..... and yes i understand it is a disease.... but its almost honestly easier watching someone die than to live day-in day-out like this.....

she has two kids from a previous marriage (the huband was no winner) and the kids are unfortunately too young to understand everything that is going on.... she is not comfortable with herself or her idea of being 'labeled' with bipolar disorder.....

so i honestly don't even know myself how to handle all of this. part of me really understand the things that she is going through.... the other part is VERY VERY selfish as far as wanting a wife and a partner (which to be honest i feel that i don't have)

i wish i could get an easy answer out to you... i am not trying to dismay you or anything like that at all.... BUT...... i think that this is a learning process for everyonce and since (unfortunately) people are not made from a cookie-cutter that each situation is entirely different.

there are days i find myself wondering what i got into (as is the case in most of these.... she wasn't like this when we got together)....and then there are the good days (far and few inbetween it seems) that i like to take deep breaths.

her mother is chronically depressed and her father is passive/ignorant of either of their conditions and would rather just turn his head and pretend everything is fine. since i am new (been married almost 2 years) to the family people would rather believe that i am the problem since i am new to the relationship rather than take a chance that me or the doctor might know what we are talking about.

sigh.... i've rambled on enough... but ..... all i can say is this.... if there is a chance that after a while things could calm down again and provide a better income, more stability in the near future for you and your family, then i woudl take it. there is nothing worse than tyring to squeeze by on crumbs when there is a future possibility of comfort.

just a thought....

well,
look at it this way.
If you are already working these long hours and know that this effects your wife...why would you want to work more?
20 years is along time to reap your hard work when we never truly know what lies ahead tomorrow.
It is in my opinion that she needs you to be more stable and available.
Routine and Stability leads to more stability.
Less stress will help her in the short and long run of things.
Increased stress can push her over the edge.
If she is in denial then...
She needs individual counseling if she is not in therapy yet, as do you.
It is very hard living in a home with a chronic condition.
life is hard work...there are no easy roads.
The families work together to figure things out.
They make 4 times a day pill boxes to help keep track of meds etc. I even think there are some that are programable ...like an alarm if that would help.
You are a good man to want to help your wife.
In regards to her, your presence is manditory.
IMO
bizi

How are things going for you these days?
bizi

Fair to middlin'... My wife has become much more stable and is at the moment very med compliant. She doesn't have a lot of choice as I keep them all laid out for her! Personally I am trying to work through some of my resentments regarding things that had been said or done when she was cycling so badly. I am currently journalizing on three "feelings" to try and put them out there and dump them: Resentment, Anger, and Betrayal.

Now that she is doing better she wants to get everything back to "normal" and is beginning to resent how hard I work to try to keep her life stable. I don't think she quite gets how much of her mental/emotional stability is due to the work I do to keep the world around her stable(keep triggers down). She complains about living in a bubble, but the bubble making her feel restricted is keeping her triggers out too! I am finding there is a fine line to dance between being supportive/caring/helpful and becoming co-dependent. All in all she is doing much better, though not as well as she thinks she is!

Thanks for asking!
Skip

maybe it is time to let her handle some little things?
It sounds like she is much better thanks to your support.
I am glad that your journaling...is helping.
You are a good man to honor your responsibilities as a husband...a lot of men would have left.
bizi