[allautumn]

I was diagnosed bipolar nine years ago, at the age of fourteen. After trying a few different medications, I was last given lithium. My psychiatrist spends a lot of time out of the country and after he went away once when I was fifteen I stopped the medication and stopped follow up appointments. I believed, at the time, that medication was wrong and that I could conquer this with mind over matter. At sixteen I started drinking regularly, using alcohol to deal with my ups and downs, and it became worse and worse as I made poor decisions in my life. Only when I stopped drinking for a period of almost a year, another attempt to get my life on track, did I start to realize that I was showing a lot of bipolar symptoms. Instead of getting help, I decided once again that I would take care of it on my own. After a few life changes and increasing stress, I started drinking again. Lately the ups and downs have been so wild... during my most recent manic episode I cleaned and re-cleaned my apartment, berating my room mate for his sloppy work, and finally, in fits of laughter organized his dresser drawers talking really fast with tears streaming down my face. He thought I was losing it and held me down. I was so angry that he did that, but I was laughing so hard I couldn't do anything about it. The episode before that I woke up feeling absolutely fantastic, laughed as I showered, and then sat down to write my will, deciding to give all my money to charity. Then I thought, why not give it all to charity right now! I leaped out of my chair and then realized, wait a second, I'm manic, this is nuts. The episode before that I stole some things (very embarrassing, I couldn't believe it a couple days later when I was down again) and rode an office chair through a parking lot. I've spent ridiculous amounts of money on antique hats and other useless things. And then there's the binge drinking... I am the life of the party when I'm high.
And then I crash. The last crash of almost three weeks I just recovered from a couple of days ago. I had very restless sleep, sometimes thirteen hours a day, and always exhausted, crying all the time, making lots of mistakes at work that cost my employer money. I finally decided to get help after an episode of auditory hallucination just over a week ago that lasted for an hour or so. It was frightening and I thought I was going crazy.
That's when my other trouble began. I saw a counselor who gave me the number of a crisis clinic. The crisis clinic said I needed a doctor to give me a referral to a psychiatrist. My doctor was on holidays, so his secretary gave me an appointment with another doctor. When I went to that appointment, he refused to give me a referral saying I would have to get one from my doctor, but I couldn't get an appointment with him for almost a month, and I needed help NOW! He suggested AA. I left his office in tears and cried for two hours. That night after blundering my way through work, I went out drinking again and after mixing with sleeping pills (STUPID!!!!) ended up in the hospital. The crisis nurse there finally gave me what sounded like some straight answers. He gave me the number of an addictions counseling place to deal with the alcohol, and told me that I can't get an appointment with a psychiatrist until I've been sober for six months, and after that the psychiatrist will have to see me through all phases of bipolar in order to diagnose me and then medicate me.
I had no idea this process would take so long, and am feeling rather hopeless at this point, wondering what the next six months to a year of my life is going to be like, always afraid of what's coming next, and not able to get medication to help.
Is what that nurse said true? Will it really take so long for me to get some meds? I'm feeling pretty disappointed in my self for starting to drink again, I feel like I should have got help six months ago, that I did this to my self. I'm afraid to have a relationship because bipolar inevitably screws things up for me. Sometimes I'm really hard to be around, hard to deal with, and I don't want to be this way. I constantly have to keep my self in check, remember that it's a disease, I'm not crazy, and recognize mania to try to keep from doing stupid things. It's hard for people to understand that I'm really normal behind all the high wackiness and the low bleakness. I can't believe I have to wait six months before I can even talk to a psychiatrist about this. Is there nothing I can do? I just want to have a good life and be happy!

[apislily]

Is the six-month wait a condition of the particular agency you're working with? It seems ridiculous to me...and I've known people with active addictions who see psychiatrists and get help with their comorbid conditions.

The drinking will interact with some bipolar meds. It is possible that the nurse believes that being sober will allow the psychiatrist to most accurately diagnose and treat you, since the alcohol may be causing many of the symptoms.

Could you try another agency? Or get into your doctor? I know you said it would take a month, but that's better than six months.

Do you have a way to keep yourself safe in the meantime? If you're feeling too out of whack do you have someone who can stay with you and help you keep perspective?

Good luck with this, I know it's hard feeling like you're out in the cold.

-apislily

[kimmydawn]

allautumn, i'm so upset with you. my brother was dx'ed bipolar years ago. he would get treatment when suicidal, then decide he didn't need those meds and go off of them.

we've contacted our community mental health and they said that he probably wouldn't be treated by a therapist and dx'ed there for a full year due after he's been sober...due to his substance abuse issues. I was irate! he needs help now! they demand he be in drug and alcohol all that time and remain clean all that time...setting him up for failure. dr's won't give him drugs, so he gets his own to self medicate. i don't agree with that, but can't imagine his hell either.

one thing i posed to them is why won't they treat him if NAMI pushes dual dx treatment so much?

they won't give him therapy till he's been sober a year. he won't be sober a year until he receives meds to alleviate his symptoms. it seems to be a vicious cycle.

i'm so very angry! he needs help now as well. i believe he's had some kind of breakdown in this last depressive episode. i'm very thankful that he's not been hospitalized for attempting suicide at this point. he has been before a few times and the only reason he won't allow that thinking he says is due to the fact that he has a little two year old boy now (that i'm caring for).

they say they can't dx him properly without his being sober for a year. can't they take the prior dx (which was a proper one) and know that he's using street drugs to self medicate...mainly tranquilizers and pot...nothing hard core.

he's doing everything he needs to do right now, but i know he'll soon begin mania and let it all go. he has the bipolar where he's mainly manic. why on earth while he's reaching out won't they attempt to show him how normal life can be to attempt to change his future? he doesn't necessarily want meds from dr. he wants therapy to help himself realize what is wrong with him and how to deal with it in other ways.

i'm venting as well. i hope so much for you right now. with our persistence, they have agreed to see him and are "considering" allowing him to test for drugs to ensure clean urines and may not force him to do the long, drawn out drug and alcohol before any type of treatment. i hope they follow through. maybe they'll do that for you. allow you to get a week's worth of meds at a time (or even a day if you're a suicide risk) to begin some stabalization, while you're proving to them through urine that you're not using alcohol? i'm grasping, but this seems to be working so far for my brother.

i wish you good luck. please keep us posted.

kimmydawn

[emwell]

I can't believe I just read what you all wrote. People trying to get help and being refused or made to wait. That is just plain crazy. I have never heard of such a thing. It seems to me that the addictions are a result of self medicating due to illness. Therefore it would make sense to treat the illness first. I would get second and third opinions. What happens if during your 6 month to a year wait you become manic or or so depressed that you do harm to yourself or another? They are making you give up your ways to self medicate and not replacing it with something that will work better. I understand a doctors need to see you sober in order to make a true diagnosis, but 6 months is a long time. Plus your history alone would indicate that you have bi polar.

I know locally we have a hospital that will treat you for both addiction and mental illness together. I know I self medicated for a long time. If my doctor had made me wait until I was sober for 6 months to a year before being treated, I do not think I would have made it.

Do what you can to get treated now. Use this web site as much as you need. Stay safe. Keep us updated. I can't believe your doctor would go away for a month and not leave a qualified person for you to see during his absence. What if you had pneumonia? Would they make you wait for your doctor to return before getting treated?

You all really got me going on this one.

[kimmydawn]

I do know another reason that dr's are hesitant to help my brother too much with meds right now too...suicide. he's a risk and if they give him meds he may use them for the wrong reasons. then they face a lawsuit. however, life without the meds is hell too. it seems to be a vicious circle...and so sad to watch.

i feel so frastrated for ppl in this position. a program should be in place where a pharmacy can give daily meds or the dr's office. i know this would be time consuming, but appropriate...and what about dedication to these hurting and ill ppl. maybe even bring a family member in to dole out meds if possible. there has to be a dedication to the mentally ill ppl who need special care!

i'm going to investigate this further, because time is limited here. my brother will soon be going back into a mania and won't follow thru with what he's trying to do right now, because he won't see himself as ill any longer.

i'll let you know what i find out.

be safe,

kimmydawn

[emwell]

Your brother is lucky to have you. I hope someday he realizes this. But then again if you have his son, he must know on some level how lucky he is.

The suicide thing is a good reason not to give too many meds at one time, but that does not change the fact that he needs them. I recall my doctor lowering the amount of pills given to me on a few occassions. Once she even asked if I had old meds. that I needed to give to her. I am stable right now, so she trusts me. She can also tell when I am not telling her the whole truth. I love the idea of a family member being in charge of the pills. Once on them for awhile, he may be able to handle the responsibility himself. The bottomline is he needs them and needs them NOW. Any chance you can go to the doctor with him? If you dispensed the pills, not only would you keep him safe, but you would also know if he stopped taking them. I saw an Oprah show recently where they had a couple celebrities on that had bi polar. Linda Hamilton (Terminator) and Sonny (General Hospital) both have the disease. Sonny's wife commented that he still thinks he can stop the meds and be okay. Is this kind of thinking part of the illness? If not, it should be. It seems to be common.

[kimmydawn]

yes, my brother (when in mania) doesn't think he needs meds.

i'm trying to work out the dr thing. problem is...he's going thru the cmh which is the one giving him hassles. if they're not going to treat him for anything either than drug and alcohol for a dang year, they won't put him thru to p'doc. it's so frustrating. there's not many dr's who accept medicaid around here, and the ones that do, don't want to fool with psych meds. it's soooooo frustrating.

thank you so much for understanding and caring. it means alot. i won't give up on him and i'll keep fighting for him, cause he's my baby brother and he's ill. i almost lost him a few times, and will do everything i can to keep him here...safe.

be safe,

kimmydawn

[Malady156]

i self-medicate with alcohol ALL the time because my anxiety is so high i can't stand it. i'm scheduled for eval dec. 15th. i'm not an alcoholic though. i sure hope they don't try to tell me i have to wait 6 months or a year to get meds. it has taken me over 20 years JUST to become OPEN to the IDEA of meds AT ALL ... and now that I'm open to it I WANT THEM NOW!!!!

[allautumn]

That's me, to a T! The last episode scared me so bad, I would have done anything to fix it. Once I'm normal again, I hardly even think about it, except to worry when it's going to happen again. I missed a counselling appointment a week ago and never called back. I just felt so hopeless, like there was no point in trying. I know I can't give up, though.
My room mate has a family friend who worked in a crisis centre for 30 years, and he talked to him about me to see if I was getting a raw deal. He says that because I was diagnosed and given lithium eight years ago, my doctor may be able to prescribe lithium again without my having to go to a psychiatrist. He also recommended a psychiatrist in my area that he trusts, not like the one that's out of the country all the time. I will still have to get a referral from my doctor to see him, though. I really don't want to have to talk to my doctor about this because of past experiences with him. I've been putting it off. But I can't keep doing that. It seems there's no other way now. So I'm going to call his office this week and see if I can get an appointment.
My fingers, toes and legs are crossed here!

[Malady156]

Autumn, i hope it goes well for you with the doc. I know how scary that must feel for you. Did the lithium help you before? I'm wondering what on earth they are going to put me on. My friend on another forum says the first time he took Zyprexa it was like taking Ecstasy. (!!!) I hope whatever they do they also give me a benzo like Xanax or something I can take "on the spot" to make all this anxiety go away. Every day I feel more and more like I'm living in this timeless hell haze without any reference points. Sometimes i wish i were just dead already. Sometimes I wish my Guardians were Destructors so when They took me over they would just make me kill myself. But They are not like that, They are Protectors.

[allautumn]

I don't really remember a lot about the time I was taking Lithium. I was first given Paxil, which gave me a wierd feeling in my thoaght and I couldn't stop swallowing, so I had to stop taking it. After that I was on Zoloft, and I remember feeling like a zombie. Riding the bus to school and being unable to unstick my mouth every morning, it was so dry. The last thing I was put on was Lithium when my pdoc started talking about bipolar, but I don't remember much about that period of time, or even how long I was on it for before I stopped taking it. At that time in my life, I wasn't very serious about getting better. I didn't believe I was bipolar, and didn't know anything about it. I was sort of "in love" with my depression, I didn't know how to be any other way, and I couldn't imagine being happy. I had some kind of epiphani around that time and convinced my self that I could fix everything on my own. So I'm not sure if it helped or not back then. I didn't really realize that I was showing bipolar symptoms until I quit drinking the second time a couple of years ago, and noticed the pattern of moods. The third time I quit drinking, I read up on bipolar and realized everything that was happening to me made sense. I was determined to change my life, and I succeeded in changeing a few things that were really important. During the time I wasn't drinking I started to understand that it's on about a two month schedule, at least that's about how far it is in between a really bad crash, though sometimes cycles a lot faster between depressed moods and hyper moods. My room mate and people at work, even total strangers, could tell when there was something wrong. I got lazy again, and instead of going for help as I had planned I got into a relationship with a guy that was drinking a lot, and I drank with him, as well as self medicating when I was upset or hyper. That was a few months ago. And the rest is history.