[Moose72]

Where to start? Yesterday waas the first half of the bipolar study. It took from 1 to 5 p.m. I just filled out a consent form, got my weight and blood taken and the rest was questions! They just asked them and then circled numbers that meant yes, no, or don't know. (There might have been a maybe, too.) She asked everything under the sun. They said it would all be anon. with my code number, except on the actual answer booklet, they had my name. I'm to do a spit test morning and evening for a few days and send it back.

I'm also grumpy, btw, that my weight its very near what it was before I lost weight several years back, so now I've gained 30 pounds since going on depakote. It does NOT add to my cheerfulness!

So, right as I was about to go into this, my BF is text messaging me about he doesn't think I'm bipolar. Eventually I had to turn the phone off during the interview, of course. When I turned it on again, I had five txts from him. Then he called me maybe 20 minutes later when I was nearly home, but had pulled into a parking lot, and just went on and on about how he knows all about bipolar, his first wife was, he is sure I'm not bipolar, just lots of stress, and etc. So of course, I said I was upset that he said that because I've been going to therapy for bp for two years now (he insisted it must've been only a year) and so what does that mean- joking that dr's have a conspiracy to diagnose people when they're not. He said he thinks I'd be HAPPY that someone thinks I'm not sick. "I personally don't think you need them [meds]," he said. "You just need to see hope and personal progress in your life. I don't think you're bipolar." Then he said, "And did you feel that you were bipolar, say, 5 years ago or were you ever seriously accused of being bipolar then?" We went round and round that I wasn't diagnosed until 2 years ago and yet I'd had some symptoms.

THEN we had some dinner and he- more calmly and nicely- said that he, too, hears voices talking to him. Not in his head, but as if they were in the same room. I said "So do you think they are ghosts or other people or who is it that is talking?" "God" he says. Geeze. I guess you'd have to know him that he doesn't seem the type to say "God told me to do this and ..." It doesn't seem weird or strange that way. He just happens to be Christian Scientist and I am not sure if what he means by a loud thought- like this sounds like to ME- and actually hearing voices like I have. He also told me that one day he was looking at the number 20 on a pieces of paper and saw it "change into a 10 as I was looking at it". Unfortunately, it wasn't the other way around, or I'd have him look at my money.

Part of the questionaire was two pages on hyperactivity distracted distorder... dang it. Can't remember the name. Grr! Anyway, I had to think twice for each one whether or not it applied to me before the age of 13- the question was worded that way- because everything my brain light went "yes!" when I really recognize it from NOW with my kids! I don't think, however, I'd label them adhd. I just think they're normal kids- maybe a lot like me which is why I don't notice!- a lot like me, but I was not what these questions were asking if I was. Just creative, a "kinesthetic learner" and really loving the world. now that is a spectrum on mental disorder??? ARG. Made me think, "Maybe this is a gimmick... having a mood disorder".

I asked my 9-year-old if she still had ghosts in her room from kindergarten and first grade and she said "That was a figment of my imagination." So I asked if she was sure because it sounds like she didn't want to admit to it now. She said she was scared at first, then wasn't, but now is scared again. Of the ghosts talking. She used to talk about it a lot in kindergarten and first grade. One of the school aids even told me from K that one day she and N were sitting in the lunchroom talking and N said, "There's someone behind you." This was during her big "ghosts" phase. The woman didn't know it, though. So the woman says, "Oh? Who is it?" "You're dad..." N says. The woman then said to me in a kind-of-freaked-out way, "My dad had just died not long before!"

So it all is weird to me. When my BF gets like yesterday, I just want to break up with him because the conversation gets so side tracked into Confused Land and I am crying and he says "You're not CRYING!!" But after we had dinner, we had a nice conversation during, and after, we went to a sporting store and looked around and then to his place and watched "Smallville" and had a little one-on-one time. Endorphines are always good to clear the mind.

oh- and there's a contest for "Fall Color" in the local paper- pictures. I took some of a nice orange tree this morning in the sun. I have to pick the best one to send.

Oh and back to issues... My schooling: I just can't seem to keep it together and nobody will entertain this subject except my BF who just says I must go to class. My social worker gives me these "looks" and fills out schedules for me. I get overwhelmed and want to quit. Since I went over practically my whole life- even timlining my hallucinations, moods, meds, etc- in the study last night, I KNOW I started just not doing school work and failing classes in high school. Teachers said I was smart and such but why didn't I do the work? And now... 20 years later.... its the same! I am intelligent, but SOMEthing gets going in me and I can't face class. I can't face getting behind. I feel embarassed or ashamed so I don't go because I fear being "called out" by the teacher. (Hi... you weren't here.... here's your failing grade or such-and-such...) Then what do I feel? GUILT of course!

So this is long enough. I got up early and took my kids to get a donut this morning before dropping them at school. They enjoyed being up just before and just at dawn with me.

[Direction]

Originally Posted by Moose72

just went on and on about how he knows all about bipolar, his first wife was, he is sure I'm not bipolar, just lots of stress, and etc.

This caught my attention...maybe I need to see your BF for advice...since he knows all about bipolar

Though we have some similarities...there are many differences...hence why most people are missed dx'd for years...

Sorry I couldn't hold my attention span to digest the rest...hopefully he was just upset...not to excuse his actions...he definately owes you an apology...and if he is not man enough by tonight...you will have to tell him how you do not wish to hear a comment like that again. Simple straight forward. If he is a man, he will honor your request...he gives men all a bad name...not only doubting what you feel but comparing you to someone else...shame shame on him....

[Moose72]

I really think he won't budge on his opinion on this. I am at a loss what to do, if he doesn't wish to learn anymore about the subject- about me. He simply denies my explanations of my experiences- not that I don't experience them, but that they aren't part of being bipolar! He does, however, think he knows what bipolar is based on his first wife, who *I* think is very odd- not much like me at all. Maybe that is why he says he doesn't think I'm bipolar- but that isn't really fair. Its like he is denying I'm bipolar a) because I'm not like his ex and b) because I AM like he is! (Hears voices, "gets stressed", etc.)

I don't really know what else to say except that I talked with my dad about this today on the phone and he thought it was crazy, too.

Originally Posted by Direction

This caught my attention...maybe I need to see your BF for advice...since he knows all about bipolar

Though we have some similarities...there are many differences...hence why most people are missed dx'd for years...

Sorry I couldn't hold my attention span to digest the rest...hopefully he was just upset...not to excuse his actions...he definately owes you an apology...and if he is not man enough by tonight...you will have to tell him how you do not wish to hear a comment like that again. Simple straight forward. If he is a man, he will honor your request...he gives men all a bad name...not only doubting what you feel but comparing you to someone else...shame shame on him....

[Direction]

If you lay down the boundary, and BF crosses it again...that should give you some insight into what they future may look like with him...not respecting your feelings or your requests on how not to push your buttons...

Toxic people...could be? hard to tell? for your own health set boundaries on what you are willing to allow people to say and do when around you...it may take some time reminding them...but if you give them the chances and they keep crossing...you have a good idea that contact should be limited...

Example...Dad calls and says he thinks it is nonsense...simply tell him that you know that he doesn't agree; however, you do not wish to talk about his belief on the subject. Next time dad does it...simply tell him that you already talked about this...I'm sorry I will need to end this call...Next time dad does it...simply tell him that you will not be able to take phone calls from him...

I'm a three strikes your out...you set the boundaries...if he can't respect that...then he is not a man...goes for BF too...

[Moose72]

Thanks. I guess I worded it wrong- my dad said he thought what BF said was rediculous, not what I said.

As for BF, he does seem to get rilied up personally about things that I would sidestep easily. I mean, he thinks its worth it to fight a "war of the wills" with a 9-year-old kid. [ NOT ] [/NOT] (I mean, unless its things life-threatening. Or.... yeah, my daughter can be really argumentative sometimes, but aren't all girls that age at some point? Why does he go for fights FIRST? ) He even said he forgets my kids aren't his- which doesn't make much sense. I think he makes things WORSE for himself by being so negative around them when he IS around them.

This whole issue makes me sad because he is lovely to me most of the time. If he was this way to everybody all of the time... but when we've tried going out with my kids something usually goes bad. It doesn't have to! But he gets grumpy that, for instance, my kids don't order breakfast and I let them have lunch stuff when we're out for breakfast... Uh, just stuff like that that's not worth a second glance, in my book. He's WONDERFUL to his daughters. What's the deal?? Control issues? I don't need to feel like I'm out with FOUR kids, not three, ya know?

My ears are all hot talking about this. I gotta quit.

[Direction]

PM me when you ears are not so hot...

[bizi]

Did you say your BF was christian scientist? Don't they Not believe in medications or medical intervention or am I thinking about something else?
I am confused about your diagnosis.
As far as I know people who are bipolar don't experience psychosis unless they are manic....and then hospitalized...this happened to me.
If this occurs regularly then this could be some other diagnosis...I am not a doctor so I don't know of course.
Your boy friend does not sound supportive of you and this is very bad behavior.
grrr!
bizi

[Moose72]

I've certainly been psychotic and not been hospitalized.

Yes he is C.S. but isn't extremely so. He was being STUBBORN the other day. I have a nasty cold since Friday, worst yesterday and today, and he isn't not being the same way.