i am so pissed. i hate my body. i hate my clothes. i hate my job, my coworkers, i hate the taste of food, i hate the way my skin feels against my soul, i hate the cold air, the feeling of clothes on my skin, i hate everything about everything. i think i am a horrible excuse for a female and mother. i hate the feeling of guilt... i have excessive feelings of guilt right now, for no reason! i have so much anger, and disgust inside me that i feel numb, i am spacing out. i want to dissapear. i can do nothing about this. cant pick myself up. i feel like i am on the verge of being catatonic. so much dissatisfaction with my internal and external environment. a fire engine just drove by blowing its siren and i got startled and super irritated. but irritated is not even the word. its so much worse. i fear myself. i hate myself. i hate life. i hate the idea of ending life. i hate it i hate it i hate it.
and all this time my expression on my face is straight. my eyes are glazey, i cant frown i cant smile. i am a robot. i am a cold, calculating, plotting psycho.
i dont even know what my problem is. i dont know what label would describe this state. i feel so terribly worried, so guilty, so awful. i have a sense of doom and panic. what the hell is this silent rage? this silent panic? this silent guilt. i cant function. i am so worthless. so mad at myself that i am such a useless member of society. i am a waste. i feel like my mind is turned inside out. and i try to turn it back around but it hurts. gives me a headache i try so hard to fix this. to fight this. i am so weak against this. what a cruel trick! just a cruel %#@&#! joke.... this headache the torture of mind bending confusion. i cant even understand myself! i know i can think well sometimes. i can solve complex problems, i can see the answer quickly, and i can think so deeply.... but its full of fog, thick mucusy fog. its mucus... my brain is full of it. must be an infection. must be why it hurts when i think too hard. i have an infection in my brain!

whats wrong with me????????????????????
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[sqrlb8]

So..........how do you "really" feel?

Only a nut case would try to joke with someone feeling so bad, so for the possible offense, I'm sorry, but on the off chance that the corners of your mouth briefly twitched upward, you're welcome.

Sweetie, this is the ride. Part of you knows this. Part of you is pushing it away like some one trying to keep the rising tide off of the beach with a broom. (and meeeting with as much success, yes?)

You hit the nail on the head in a sense when you say, "I don't even know what my problem is." You have a hunch though. Some of us can't cross the threshold of capitulation without the breakdown. Myself for one. No judgement coming from me, I hope you can hear that. But we do have the opportunity to short cut the process by surrendering to our need for help. But that means different things to each of us. Some can plod through their jobs effectively enough to sort it out with a dr., T, or whatever and keep things going. Some need to sever everything for a time, and then see what works after the monster has truly been identified. Is this making sense? You can't get anywhere with the hit and miss thrusts and parries that you have descibed. And it won't go away. I hate trite phrases but there is so much truth in finally becoming sick and tired of being sick and tired. We say we are, sure, but when we truly are sick and tired of it, we do something different, we surrender, we get help, we stick with it, we enter a state of full capitulation with it. Then some measure of healing can begin.

It's good you're posting, and i'm not expressing impatience with you at all; I'm counting on the past communicating we've done to allow me to be direct without offending. Hope I'm right in that because i've really grown to like you. Seems like we can all use a nice fresh air blast of honesty sometimes.

It's amazing what we can let go of in order to save ourselves. Nothing is as bad as it seems when you are anticipating change. Going through it is never the horror we imagined.

Glad to see you again. Sorry you're hurting. If I was the hugging type, I'd probably put one here, but i'm too squirrelly for that i guess. LOL.

[krzyk101]

CCL,

I just want to say that this post is how I feel at any given unexpected point of time and that what you expressed is such an awful thing to go through, You had courage to vent and show the side of bipolar which is not so pretty, I hope someday myself to be able to post and vent the agitation as you have. I at least know now I am not alone in those things which 'hit ya' out or nowhere. You helped me by letting me I am not the only one who gets to feeling this way and I hope it does soon pass. Will be thinking of you.

-Kris