[madisgram]

i've posted this in several forums..my anxiety is high and know this can set off my bp and depression. i hope i can get some responses.
in 2 weeks my paranoid schizophrenic ex-husband will come live with me. i am undertaking this because of several factors. one, assisted living facilities for the mentally ill are either substandard or so costly. second, my ex-husband''s trust fund has been hit hard by the stock market/economy slump. up to now we have included him in our lives but he has not lived with us since his illness. for now that is not the problem...
the problem is my son who asked me to caretake his father in my home. i have suggested we install an adt sysytem to alert me when david wanders out, particularly at night.(he is a wanderer-biggest non-compliance.) second, i've asked for a medicalert bracelet that will "tell" the police david's dx and to call their number, then the medicalert people will call me so i can pick him up. he was recently arrested(loitering), charges were dropped ,but the judge said the state will intervene if he gets stopped again.
my son has not offered to compensate me. he has offered 1300/mo to care for dave...meaning room and board, etc. ..anything that david might need. most of the 1300 will be eaten up by his expenses. that's all fine and good. today i emailed my son about adt and medicalert. he asked me if that was being included in the $1300/mo and if not, what was my plan!!!
need i say more!!!
i emailed him back and tried to use all the healthy therapy i've received. i feel like i'm being dumped on and david isn't even with me yet. i am moving to a bigger house to have him live with me, so i can't back out of the deal or i would. movers are coming and i'm on my way.
so how would any of you handle, not david, but my SON? i'm mad but i'm also very anxious cause this is a very concerning beginning. i have already had my exit vist with my T and pdoc so i really need some good suggestions of how to handle this situation with my son.
sorry for the long post. any help is most appreciated. i'm really upset! ..and mad! ..and anxious about the future.

[deliquesce]

how old is your son?
i'm confused... $1300 seems like a lot of money to me, how much are you going to be putting in? if it is the same amount, then surely that would cover costs?

[madisgram]

many thanks for your reply.my son is 38.
as for the costs of living we -dave and i -would be splitting the lving costs for the most part . i am disabled and have a limited fixed income. the rest of his personal expenses have to come out of the 1300. too many to mention, but largely medical, etc. at the present i have done a tentative budget that makes it seem like the adt and medicalert bracelet monthly costs can be used within that 1300. these are expenses i would not need for myself. they are services to protect david from wandering so i can effectively care for him. therefore he would need to absorb the costs. that wasn't my concern, i was just surprised when my son responded in an email, "what was MY plan?" to pay for these costs if it took us over david's 1300/mo. i didn't feel it was my expense to cover so was baffled by my son't response. he handles the trust and that's what it is for. to cover costs for davids' expenses and care. if for any reason more money is needed that's what the trust is for.
I hope this helps explain better.
as for what it costs to care for a disabled mentally ill patient. any facility for this type of treatment is over $3500/mo. so i'm trying to do a lot for 1300/mo.
thank you again for replying.

[Puffyprue]

jan..i love you iam sorry you in this potiton ...

[jdoe123]

Jan... You have been so kind to me with my situation..I felt like I need to reciprocate. First, I want to say you are as good as gold for taking this on..especially with no real obligation to ..just at the request of your son. I was thinking maybe he wrote the plan part to just hear your thoughts. I would ask him "Are you implying 1300.00 is it and I shouldn't bother you with additonal things if need be?" My point is I just think its unfair my husband's meds are 500.00 for one month with no insurance...Steep...So I totally understand why??? 1300.00 might not be enough all the time....Your son should see this too. Ask him if he is going to send just a check and forget about everything else? Its unfair you deserve better......just for simply taking on the responsibility. I am sending you huge hugs and warm fuzzy vibes....PM me anytime if you want to talk. You are a wonderful person. Dianne

[madisgram]

Originally Posted by puffyprue

jan..i love you iam sorry you in this potiton ...

oh prue , thank you so much for your caring and pm.
i hate to admit it but i was beginning to wonder why so few posted me. guess the anxiety got to me.
i know i have come a long way in T but feel that we all need validation sometimes and i felt i could find that here....and there you were... it means a lot to me that you are here at pc.

[madisgram]

dianne, thank you too for the suggestions, validation and understanding. last nite i thought what have i done to myself?!!! my son did call me after the email i sent and it looks like we've gotten this untangled in a healthy way. it was so unlike him to present the question that way. perhaps he's stressed out too. yes, med costs, etc. are a lot of our problems today. i tell people i live in order to pay for my medicines. many of us have no other choice.
i'm going to save your post as it has some good points of how to "word" it if i find myself back in this situation again with my son. so thank you for being such a good friend.

[radmaker3]

Originally Posted by madisgram

dianne, thank you too for the suggestions, validation and understanding. last nite i thought what have i done to myself?!!! my son did call me after the email i sent and it looks like we've gotten this untangled in a healthy way. it was so unlike him to present the question that way. perhaps he's stressed out too. yes, med costs, etc. are a lot of our problems today. i tell people i live in order to pay for my medicines. many of us have no other choice.
i'm going to save your post as it has some good points of how to "word" it if i find myself back in this situation again with my son. so thank you for being such a good friend.

Glad to hear the situation resolved itself. I didn't see this thread til now or I would have posted sooner. My suggestion to you would have been first, how old is he, secondly, do you two get along very well, and then after that, to just be assertive with him. He's 38, so it's not like he's a prickly teenager. And if you get along decently well, then it shouldn't be too hard to be assertive, unless you have a passive personality. But yeah if something like this comes up in the future, you just need to present how you feel to your son so that you don't get stuck in a bad situation. Emotional stability is important for those of us with a bipolar diagnosis and as such we need to do what we can to ensure we keep it. Glad you resolved it.

[deliquesce]

(((madisgram)))

i'm glad the situation got resolved. is it an outcome you are happy with?

thank you for explaining about the trust. i had no idea that this is what you were referring to in your initial post. i would totally be taken aback if someone who was in charge of a trust specifically set up to care for someone else then decided to draw the purse strings tight and not let me get the money i needed to help care for that person. how difficult for you.

i hope things go well with Dave moving in with you. you are so lovely to take that on, especially when you have yourself to look after too. i barely cope some days myself, i cannot fathom looking after someone who would need the sort of care you'll need to provide for Dave.

[kidrocklvrnemo2000]

Originally Posted by madisgram

i've posted this in several forums..my anxiety is high and know this can set off my bp and depression. i hope i can get some responses.
in 2 weeks my paranoid schizophrenic ex-husband will come live with me. i am undertaking this because of several factors. one, assisted living facilities for the mentally ill are either substandard or so costly. second, my ex-husband''s trust fund has been hit hard by the stock market/economy slump. up to now we have included him in our lives but he has not lived with us since his illness. for now that is not the problem...
the problem is my son who asked me to caretake his father in my home. i have suggested we install an adt sysytem to alert me when david wanders out, particularly at night.(he is a wanderer-biggest non-compliance.) second, i've asked for a medicalert bracelet that will "tell" the police david's dx and to call their number, then the medicalert people will call me so i can pick him up. he was recently arrested(loitering), charges were dropped ,but the judge said the state will intervene if he gets stopped again.
my son has not offered to compensate me. he has offered 1300/mo to care for dave...meaning room and board, etc. ..anything that david might need. most of the 1300 will be eaten up by his expenses. that's all fine and good. today i emailed my son about adt and medicalert. he asked me if that was being included in the $1300/mo and if not, what was my plan!!!
need i say more!!!
i emailed him back and tried to use all the healthy therapy i've received. i feel like i'm being dumped on and david isn't even with me yet. i am moving to a bigger house to have him live with me, so i can't back out of the deal or i would. movers are coming and i'm on my way.
so how would any of you handle, not david, but my SON? i'm mad but i'm also very anxious cause this is a very concerning beginning. i have already had my exit vist with my T and pdoc so i really need some good suggestions of how to handle this situation with my son.
sorry for the long post. any help is most appreciated. i'm really upset! ..and mad! ..and anxious about the future.

I can't belive you can actually have the energy to take care of another mentally ill person. How unstable is he? You have a very big heart for taking on this. Did you know he was ill when you married him and all that? just curious? I can barely take care of myself and my kids I couldn't take on a adult person, noway. Kudos to you!!!!

Love-
Nemo

[madisgram]

hi nemo,
he's not, i guess unstable, (after reading this i don't know any chronically ill schiz. who is ever stable in the norm sense) but is delusional, hears voices, and wanders a lot. i think the wandering is caused a lot by his meds. they can have the side effect of restlessness. david is non-violent but that goes with his loving personality, thank goodness.
no david wasn't ill when i met him. we were high school sweethearts and married later. he had gotten a phd in psychology before he became ill. his mother was schiz. and, while there is no solid proof i don't think, it would suggest he had the predisposition to this disease. he was/and is still a very gentle, loving soul. i say he has a "beautiful mind". just mentally ill.
thank you, nemo, for your very kind remarks. i may have to lean on you all sometimes for support once he comes to live with me.

[silver_moon]

I'm sorry I have no advice, I just wanted to let you know that I care (((((((((((((madi))))))))))))