[DaveyJones]

I guess it's time to vent a bit... I've been going through another episode. This time it seems like it's mixed, but maybe rapid cycling. I'm quite depressed most of the time (not suicidal, thankfully), I sleep a lot, 12 hrs. a day or more. My pdoc changed my antidepressant from Celexa to Wellbutrin, which gave me a bit more energy, but makes feel totally strange, brain zaps and all that. I dropped out of school, I'm thinking that will be it, I would be shocked if VocRehab wasted any more cash on me... I don't know that I'll be able work again anyway. I can't concentrate, can't organize my thoughts for any length of time. Frustration brings me to screeching halt, often for hours.

On the positive, I bought a bicycle so I've been getting some exercise when the weather permits. Also I've been seeing an old girlfriend, she seems to be trying to figure out what this is all about, so I'm not totally isolated socially. I also play with my band each weekend. I'm not as social as I should be, I'll go off and hang out in a corner by myself, but at least I'm out of the house.

I could go on and on, I suppose, but you get the idea, I guess. I'm just sick and tired of feeling sick and tired!

Thanks for listening

[Michah]

Hey babe, we are with you, and although you struggle big time its good to see you get out of that locker!!!

In stillness.......

How long have you been on the Wellbutrin? I had good results with it. I had to take it one winter when a bad depression hit me, but was able to get off it in the spring & just continue with my Abilify, Lamictal, Provigil, Klonopin, etc. It did give me energy & helped loads with the depression, but I didn't have the other stuff you are describing fortunately. But a friend of mine did when I recommended it to her as she was on Zoloft (she's not bipolar but was taking Zoloft for depression & panic attacks but it had sexual side effects & I told her Wellbutrin actually increased my sexual desire so she tried it & felt really weird on it & totally wired & freaked out after only 4 days & rushed back to her Zoloft & sex be damned).

Unfortunately, I had a bad spell that resulted from 5 mos. of hypo mania that I didn't report to my provider as it felt so good & I didn't know it was dangerous. I had been stable for 5 yrs. I had a sudden crash after the 5 mos., did an overdose & then was mixed for 2 1/2 yrs. after that as my meds were being adjusted constantly. Being mixed is bad, bad, bad with the suicidal thoughts constant (for me--you are lucky you are not having those, at least). But about 8 mos. ago I started Dialectical Behavioral Therapy & found it so helpful & then started indiv. therapy with the therapist who leads the DBT group.

I am amazed at how it has helped & so is my meds provider. I'm off Abilify now & Klonopin & cut my Lamictal in half & my insomnia is gone (that has been a major problem) so I don't have to take all these heavy duty sedating drugs at night.

Are you doing therapy? You might look into DBT. Of course, I'm still needing to do a lot of work. I'm 55. You are young & have a great future. But I tell you this has given me great hope as I don't have the suicidal thoughts & I can actually feel some joy & peace & my anxiety is so much better.

I'm not so easily crying. I'm still pretty socially isolated as I still feel like a freak & have no social skills (I basically started getting mentally ill at 15 with my first suicidal attempt), but I'm doing volunteer work for NAMI & in the local jail (I seem to fit in fine at these places!!).

All my best to you.--Suzy

[DaveyJones]

Hi Suzy...

I'm glad you think I'm young... alas, I'm only a couple of years younger than you, but I'll keep the compliment, Thank you!

I took Wellbutrin for about 5 years with no problem. It helped for a while, it kind of tapered off after a couple of years, I think. (Though once i started taking it I quit smoking almost immediately, so that's great)!

As I began taking more and more bipolar drugs I began having symptoms, shaking hands, feeling kind of wired and so on. At that point I was taking lithium, Lamictal, Wellbutrin and Effexor, I don't remember if there was anything else. I didn't have a pdoc (I was practically living on the streets) or therapist. The people at the NAMI chapter were great, it was a good place to hang out. ANYWAY, I started to taper off the antidepressants, and I started to feel some better.

I stayed off antidepressants for a few years. I wasn't doing so well, so my pdoc gave my Seroquel, which has worked pretty well. I still have depressive episodes, but they are not as severe as before. Now I take Seroquel, lithium, Lamictal and Ambien for sleep, and I've been taking Celexa for awhile now. My pdoc switched me to the Wellbutrin for more energy, which it did, but the weird side efects, so I'm tapering back to Celexa.

I went to an outpatient program in lieu of hospitalization a couple of years back. The curriculum was based on DBT, which I found to be very helpful, I still use what they taught me. I also use some CBT techniques I learned in an anger management class, they have been very helpful, also.

I guess what is the hardest thing to get used to is the realization that my life will pretty much go to the devil every year or two. I need to find something I can do with consisyency. I do have SSDI, and I get a bit of money from my band, but I need to find something to do that can continue even during episodes. I do see a therapist every other week or so, and my pdoc every eight weeks or so, so I'm covered there.

Is it too much to ask to be able to do something productive and satisfying?

[Berries]

(((((((((((DaveyJones))))))))))

I am struggling so much too, and it is hard for me to think of anything wise to say. But want you to know I empathize and send support via cyber hugs.