I feel sad. Not depressed. (long)

I have forgotten what it is like to be sad without being severely depressed. I guess the drugs are working...(Lithium and Lamictal).

Of course after working nights for 5 years, and then moving to day shifts, maybe sleeping at night has prevented depression LOL

Being Bipolar II sucks. It sucks so much. It sucks that I am inherently "disordered". My very mind is wrong. I need to be drugged away forever. The majority of my life is normal me (euthymic). I hate having to be the drugged version of me, and basically kill the normal me to avoid the depression. The hypomania always comes at the end of a long severe depression, and really never gets any worse than a couple weeks of anxiety...and it has never caused me problems. (no, that is not just a manic delusion). Really, I haven't screwed anything up. I don't meet the stereotype of Bipolar.

The depressions come after HUGE life changing negative stressors. Like when my first fiance cheated on me with a 16 yr old in college. Or when I came within a few minutes of being raped (thank god a friend showed up and got me out of there). Or when my parents practically disowned me when I told them I wasn't going to med school, I wanted to go to nursing school instead.

No more kids for me I guess. Everything I read about bipolar says I need to have an empty shell of a life to have a "stable mood". (what does that feel like anyway? Drugged into a flat, artificial placidity?)Bedtime like a 5 year old, menial job that has no stimulation, having to have friends and family behave like jailers, ratting on your every good or bad day to your pdoc... and mood charts, because if you feel even remotely happy or sad, you have to report into pdoc to have it drugged away...because if you are bipolar every emotion you have is now interpreted as a mood episode.

My psych NP says I possess incredible insight and drive. (really!) So how come my disease is characterized by a lack of insight into one's behavior?
How come I don't act like a stereotypical Bipolar, laying waste to one's relationships, career, education, etc? I don't smoke, drink, or do drugs and I never have!

WHAAAAAAAAAAAH! ;(

So sorry you're going through this Amazonmom. It really isn't fair. And it's hard when you hear "Bipolar Disorder" and picture all those patients you cared for in nursing school during your psych rotation and the ones you still probably come into contact with. I am also Bipolar II and it does suck. It sucks that you have to change your life (going from night shift to day shift). I had to quit one job in an ER completely and go to family practice setting. I do have a bed time every night and when I neglect that bed time (as I have for the past 2 nights) I get cranky and "off." My drugs of choice are also Lamictal and Lithium. It sucks that you have to get blood work and can't take certain other meds and have to eat plenty of salt and all that. It's hard to be diagnosed with something that doesn't have a cure, only a hope of being contained for as long as possible before you have another inevitable "cycle." So, yeah.... I get it. It's a bad situation but like my T tells me, you're going through the grieving process. I have totally felt like you in the past, and still have days where I am angry at the world for my situation. But hang on through this feeling and you'll start seeing everything in a different light. I don't know when you were diagnosed, but it's traumatic to be a provider of healthcare and have your world shattered by having to be a consumer in that arena. It's absolutely demoralizing and humiliating and upsetting, but unfortunately it is what it is. As long as you want to be well, it's what you have to do. I'm sorry I don't have a way to make it better for you, just know you're not alone. I feel like our situations are extremely similar and really feel for you because it is a hard thing to go through. Hang in there!!!!!

Thanks, It's nice to hear from someone who is there with me!

I was diagnosed less than a month ago. I went through about two weeks of thinking I was okay with it. I think that was the numbness of the grieving process. I am now in the anger/bargaining phase. The truly bothersome phases of hypomania for me are all drug induced...all legal and prescribed for me. I won't take SSRIs or Percoset again!

I actually changed shifts BEFORE I was diagnosed. Living near Seattle and working nights was killing me. I actually went over a month without seeing the sun at all at one point. I also felt like my hubby and I were roommates instead of partners. Also all my good night shift buddies were getting depressed working nights and all left the job. The only reason why I hadn't quit myself was that I didn't want to switch jobs while pregnant. I figured I would leave about a month after returning from maternity leave. Then I was offered a day shift job (to keep me from leaving).

My NP told me I could go from 900 mg of Lithium per day to 600 if I wanted. As my Lamictal goes up, the lithium can come down. I felt like my mind was slower than molasses in January so I went with 600. When I get to a full dose of Lamictal the Lithium can go bye bye!

As long as I get at least 6 hours of sleep a night, I have always felt pretty good. It doesn't have to be at the same time every day, but the 6 hours is important. Before working nights I was super buff and worked out an hour a day. Might try that again. The mood charting and friends/family as NARCS can go out the window. Not doing it. I can handle my hubby asking me if I am depressed, but I don't want my whole life revolving around my condition. I need to be normal somewhere...