[Michah]

I have been on this forum for a while now and I see a routine, disturbing trend in some of the posts I have read. It seems that not only are people struggling with this serious and troubling disorder, they are also struggling with the stigma attached to it. I am no expert, but I wonder how we can move past this?

I have had borderline for 15 years, raised a child, had multiple hospital admissions, multiple meds and bucketloads of therapy. I have been charged with a handful of crimes and run around like a psychopathic urban terrorist. I have been called nutjob, psycho, freak and social pariah. I have been in hospital with nurses entering the room in pairs with hypodermics at the ready and psychologists not willing to treat me.

I have overheard my nurse say to another nurse," Hmmm, borderline in room 1, Great, just what I needed today". I have been harassed in hospital by well-meaning psych students because I was an unusual specimen. There were no other borderlines or we were rare. I saw them standing outside of my isolated room, pointing through the unbreakable perspex square and speaking animatedly. I had two stigmas, that of a single parent and that of having borderline with schizoeffective.

I have had people run from me when all I wanted was a hug and be told that I am okay, I have been ostracized from my family except my father and had no true friends. I have been calculating and ruthless.

However, I have had people approach me with deep seated trauma because they could not talk to anyone else about it and tell me things they never knew existed. I have held down good jobs, if not for long and started my degree in Science. Thats my borderline pride........my ability to help people see what they haven't seen before in themselves and believe in the fundamental right to live my life in a good way. I deserve it don't I? As do all of you reading this.

You cannot let this disorder dictate fear of yourself........stigma be damned!!! Forgive the masses for they DO NOT understand.........and never will. You do not need them to understand........if you live with nothing, no money, no friends, no family........it cannot destroy you. The borderline can sure try but YOU have control over who you share this journey with........this precious, precious journey. You may not be like me who practically shouted it from the rooftops........but if you have pride in your own process, others will too. It is NOT easy, the more I have been pushed down, the more stubborn and antagonistic I get........and maybe I sound patronising from my soap box........but a little bit of me breaks when I see people struggle so much with WHO they are and why they feel so uncomfortable in their own skin.

The borderline is hard enough.........don't add to it the public perception of what borderline means......they don't have a clue!!!! You are not alone, you are not unloved and you have the right to a great life.

Gosh, I love all your borderline selves.........and other non-initiates into our club will love you for that too.......please, give yourselves a hug even if you can't stand what you see in the mirror. Love your borderlines selves for all its terror and unpredictability.........you cannot change how people are but you can change the disabling effect of stigma on yourselves so you can spend the mental energy HEALING

In stillness..........

[BrokenNBeautiful]

I needed to hear this tonight!
Even before I was diagnosed with BPD, I always felt like a bad person because of how people treated me.
Tonight, I reached out to some people and they ignored me.
It's a vicious circle.
I have abandonment issues and can't stand being ignored.
And if people know that, they do to me just what I cant' stand!
Thanks for posting this.
I needed it tonight to stay alive!
Billi

[FooZe]

Originally Posted by billi_leli

I have abandonment issues and can't stand being ignored. And if people know that, they do to me just what I cant' stand!

I have abandonment issues but I suspect that pretty much everyone else does too, to one degree or another. Some seem to deal with theirs more gracefully than others and some seem to hide theirs better than others.

I'll admit that if someone seems to be approaching me just to help them soothe their feelings of abandonment, on a personal level I do tend to feel used and to steer clear of them, for that reason among others, until they seem to have settled themselves back down.

That particular reaction is usually the least of my concerns, though:

• I figure that if someone gets into a pattern where every time they feel abandoned they look for someone else to reassure them, it'll be much harder for them to learn to reassure themselves -- so the reassurer may not be doing the reassuree much of a favor by reassuring them.

• To take that a step further: if the reassuree (and of course I count myself among potential reassurees here) doesn't feel adequately reassured, or reassured soon enough, he/she will naturally want to blame their bad luck or the reassurer for not showing up in time or not doing their job right. Again, the quest for better or more available reassurers is likely to consume our attention and distract us from helping ourselves.

• What I personally find most reassuring is not the idea that I'm lucky, that someone is making it their job to be there for me, or that for some abstract reason I "deserve" reassurance; but rather the knowledge that I have something to offer, that at least some others will be naturally inclined to seek me out for.

Without getting distracted into specifics about whatever I might feel I have to offer, I wanted to look briefly at some of the things that might keep me in a relationship (whether personal, social, professional, political or any other kind) with someone else:

• They continue to show that they can be trusted. If they say they'll do something, they do it. If they've said they won't, they don't.

• If they want something from me, they let me know they want it but they make it clear that it's my choice to provide it or not. If I decline, for whatever reason (or none), they don't switch to demanding or threatening or acting out. They're open to discussing whether they really need exactly what they're asking for or whether something else (that, perhaps, I'd rather give them) might not do almost as well -- or better.

• They seem to be open, at least most of the time, to seeing and hearing me, not someone in their past whom I happen, for better or worse, to remind them of.

That's my short list, anyway -- scratching the surface on short notice. Actually, I'd love to discuss some of this stuff at greater length eventually, but I don't know that this thread would be the best place for that.

Originally Posted by billi_leli

Tonight, I reached out to some people and they ignored me. It's a vicious circle.

Yes, it can be and often is. If I'd been around for any part of that interaction, I probably would've been asking myself what would've been in it for them, either to reach back out to you, to ignore you, or to come up with some other response, better or worse.

--------------------------
I have a lot of emotional baggage. I pile it all in the closet and go out to play.

[beadlady29-old]

hugs!!! and thank you!!!

we is no longer schizoaffective disorder with borderline personality disoreder we is now schizoaffective
with DID among other labels.........

but thanks for your post anyway.........could relate to soooooooooo much of what you described!

beads (all 15 of us)

[Michah]

Thank you.......all the wonderful diversity I see in people coming to terms with what they face.......there is nothing wrong with vulnerability, adversity or fear.......it is what you do with it that matters, not who shares it with you or uses it against you. The isolation is in knowing that no-one truly understands when that is all we really want.......but what about the beauty in being isolated because we are divine, driven to a true understanding of ourselves, because we are truly battling with our humanity in a way that others cannot perceive?

Not many people can say they are confronted with such a mission, a true calling(I see mine as one. Its not for everybody!) despite its terror. No-one can take away YOUR story, your fight, your hesitant, beautiful, unconditional acceptance of yourselves after much work, sacrifice and heartbreak. If only people really knew........they would breathlessly stare at you in wonderment and awe and ask "How do you have the courage? My God, I can barely stand the idea. I would die." And most people would. But you all won't because your story is scripture.......it is written as part of history and you need to tell it one day.

I am far from enlightenment.........but i am on the path.......I have always been on the path but just didn't know it........and i want everyone to be there beside me or leading the way. You all have the true potential for greatness.......in fact, you are already practicing it.

Gosh, you beautiful people.......do you know how truly magnificent you are?

[beadlady29-old]

in all honesty, no..........bead does not............not believe that for longer then a brief milisecond every once in a GREAT while..............
but we is still putting one foot in front of the other even when we do not know why...........
thanks so much for the words of encouragement and hope in your posts,
all of us beadys

[skeeweeaka]

I read these wonderful posts and I weep! I weep for the person in me who is constantly looking for assurance, constantly wanting someone, anyone to say I'm okay! It's difficult, and as I always say to my dear sister, I would not wish this journey upon my worst enemy because I'm surprised that I have even survived it!

Honestly, it has brought me to my knees and with God's grace for my dd's sake, I get up again!

Thanks for these posts, you have truely inspired me today!

Best Wishes,

TJ

[ECHOES]

I so admire your honesty and self-insight.
How you don't judge, just notice and explore 'what is'.

I hope for the courage to look squarely at who I am, where I've been.
Often the isolation is necessary for me... I need time to think. I try not to judge it but I sometimes do; I enjoy the isolation much of the time, but other times I feel like I've failed at life and so I am isolated. Hard.

My T did not diagnose me, I diagnosed myself and she confirmed it. She said early on (I think from the start) that the diagnosis fit. I discovered it through reading and thought it fit and asked her and that's when she confirmed. One thing she stresses is to not get hung up on the diagnosis. That is such a good idea because I can let it define me instead of letting my self be available so I can get to know who I am.

Thanks for a great post.

[skeeweeaka]

Originally Posted by ECHOES

I so admire your honesty and self-insight.
How you don't judge, just notice and explore 'what is'.

I hope for the courage to look squarely at who I am, where I've been.
Often the isolation is necessary for me... I need time to think. I try not to judge it but I sometimes do; I enjoy the isolation much of the time, but other times I feel like I've failed at life and so I am isolated. Hard.

My T did not diagnose me, I diagnosed myself and she confirmed it. She said early on (I think from the start) that the diagnosis fit. I discovered it through reading and thought it fit and asked her and that's when she confirmed. One thing she stresses is to not get hung up on the diagnosis. That is such a good idea because I can let it define me instead of letting my self be available so I can get to know who I am.

Thanks for a great post.

Exploring and noticing what is, symptoms, versus a diagnsosis has given me the opportunity to see that changes in ones biochemistry due to other reasons, hormonal imbalances, vitamin or mineral deficiencies, etc., can lead to borderline personality disorder, depression, bipolar traits, etc, for some of us. There are days when I could be diagnosed with any of these disorders, and then I experience days when I receive glimpses of who I used to be which would only be labeled as shy or introverted.

Therefore, I definitely believe in not getting caught up in the diagnosis which can be very limiting. Judging can be difficult for me because while I don't consider myself to be judgemental, I understand that everyone has problems, I do not condone making people feel "less than" because of ones own insecurities. The world can be an ugly place, full of sterotypes, oppression, and stigma because of ignorance. We, however, have to find it within ourselves to rise above all of that and still find the strength to live our lives as best we can...some days I can do that and other days I struggle!

Best Wishes,

TJ

[Michah]

This is so wonderful!!! I am hearing true struggle and triumphs even if transient. We all struggle, but the overcoming, the living with stillness even if it is chaos. The fundamental acceptance of who we are even if it doesn't always feel good.

My goodness........I am truly blown away........To be truthful, I did not expect a response to this post. I wondered if people where ready to hear what I had to say or would embrace even a small part of it.

I am moved beyond words....... you wonderful creators of destiny.

[skeeweeaka]

Originally Posted by Michah

This is so wonderful!!! I am hearing true struggle and triumphs even if transient. We all struggle, but the overcoming, the living with stillness even if it is chaos. The fundamental acceptance of who we are even if it doesn't always feel good.

My goodness........I am truly blown away........To be truthful, I did not expect a response to this post. I wondered if people where ready to hear what I had to say or would embrace even a small part of it.

I am moved beyond words....... you wonderful creators of destiny.

Michah,

I thnk I love you lol ...your words form a beautiful canvas that I enjoy admiring from afar!!! I can personally say that I am ready to hear the truth, even though I struggle with self-acceptance every day!

TJ

[Michah]

Originally Posted by skeeweeaka

Michah,

I thnk I love you lol ...your words form a beautiful canvas that I enjoy admiring from afar!!! I can personally say that I am ready to hear the truth, even though I struggle with self-acceptance every day!

TJ

Thank you sweetie......love you too!! Enjoy the words, for the the most part, they are free flowing and are to be enjoyed by anyone. I am glad they bring comfort.......it was not always so.......I did a lot of "training" to turn the words from betrayal and hate to love and acceptance.

It is through people here and elsewhere that with blinding faith in themselves(even for a split second), they can embrace whatever stirs them in these words that brings ME to my knees!! It is divine in its purity. I still have a lot to learn about the majesty and exquisiteness of love. The pain and the joy.

As much as I impart these deep seated words, I gain just as much from your words and everyone elses. It is part of my healing, my absolution, my right to life.

Thank you, thank you, thank you........to everyone

[beadlady29-old]

[QUOTE]You cannot let this disorder dictate fear of yourself........stigma be damned!!! Forgive the masses for they DO NOT understand.........and never will. You do not need them to understand........if you live with nothing, no money, no friends, no family........it cannot destroy you. The borderline can sure try but YOU have control over who you share this journey with........this precious, precious journey. You may not be like me who practically shouted it from the rooftops........but if you have pride in your own process, others will too. It is NOT easy, the more I have been pushed down, the more stubborn and antagonistic I get........and maybe I sound patronising from my soap box........but a little bit of me breaks when I see people struggle so much with WHO they are and why they feel so uncomfortable in their own skin.You cannot let this disorder dictate fear of yourself........stigma be damned!!! Forgive the masses for they DO NOT understand.........and never will. You do not need them to understand........if you live with nothing, no money, no friends, no family........it cannot destroy you. The borderline can sure try but YOU havWe all struggle, but the overcoming, the living with stillness even if it is chaos. The fundamental acceptance of who we are even if it doesn't always feel good.
e control over who you share this journey with........this precious, precious journey. You may not be like me who practically shouted it from the rooftops........but if you have pride in your own process, others will too. It is NOT easy, the more I have been pushed down, the more stubborn and antagonistic I get........and maybe I sound patronising from my soap box........but a little bit of me breaks when I see people struggle so much with WHO they are and why they feel so uncomfortable in their own skin.


we ARE learning to embrace ourselfs and even what all of the labels represent....that we ARE a survivor..........and no many how many times they push beat us down we alsayw find a way to pcik uoprselves back up wipe off the dirt and the blood and the muck and the tears adn keep moving forward.........there are many dayse (like today) that we dunnot know why we keep pressing onward but we do know that we will never never let her give up because iffen we do then THEY win and we will not let them win./..........somewhere inside there is a winner in us we just gotta find her

beads tell you thank you for acknowledging our struggles AND our efforts.........we dont hear that form anyone

[QUOTE]Not many people can say they are confronted with such a mission, a true calling(I see mine as one. Its not for everybody!) despite its terror. No-one can take away YOUR story, your fight, your hesitant, beautiful, unconditional acceptance of yourselves after much work, sacrifice and heartbreak. If only people really knew........they would breathlessly stare at you in wonderment and awe and ask "How do you have the courage? My God, I can barely stand the idea. I would die." And most people would. But you all won't because your story is scripture.......it is written as part of history and you need to tell it one day.

it is in the telling that there is so much pain..........because iffen we allow oursevles the tellng we might actually have to\be able to feel it again and we is soooooooooo scared of those feelings they hurt so dadgum bad...............they seep out along with bits and pieces of the story, the puzzle if you will and leave us feeling so empty, so like our guts are just dragging on the floor.......but still we will keep going iffen we has to get a cart to carry them along behind us....someday, maybe we will understand the story and put all of the pieces of the puzzle together into something coherent and beautifu.,and be able to tell all......courage that we does not maybe have mustered up yet dunno were wornking on it tho

We all struggle, but the overcoming, the living with stillness even if it is chaos. The fundamental acceptance of who we are even if it doesn't always feel good.

as the stillness and the chaos are so intertwined, the acceptance of who we are and where we've been seems like the hardest thing in the world to do
it feels so much worse then not good...............but we will keep ontrying to discover the good that must be in thre somewhere.not the old tapes of the garbage they taught us

thank you for such insightful support and encouragement

mary and all of us beadys

[Michah]

[QUOTE=beadlady29;1014886][QUOTE]You cannot let this disorder dictate fear of yourself........stigma be damned!!! Forgive the masses for they DO NOT understand.........and never will. You do not need them to understand........if you live with nothing, no money, no friends, no family........it cannot destroy you. The borderline can sure try but YOU have control over who you share this journey with........this precious, precious journey. You may not be like me who practically shouted it from the rooftops........but if you have pride in your own process, others will too. It is NOT easy, the more I have been pushed down, the more stubborn and antagonistic I get........and maybe I sound patronising from my soap box........but a little bit of me breaks when I see people struggle so much with WHO they are and why they feel so uncomfortable in their own skin.You cannot let this disorder dictate fear of yourself........stigma be damned!!! Forgive the masses for they DO NOT understand.........and never will. You do not need them to understand........if you live with nothing, no money, no friends, no family........it cannot destroy you. The borderline can sure try but YOU havWe all struggle, but the overcoming, the living with stillness even if it is chaos. The fundamental acceptance of who we are even if it doesn't always feel good.
e control over who you share this journey with........this precious, precious journey. You may not be like me who practically shouted it from the rooftops........but if you have pride in your own process, others will too. It is NOT easy, the more I have been pushed down, the more stubborn and antagonistic I get........and maybe I sound patronising from my soap box........but a little bit of me breaks when I see people struggle so much with WHO they are and why they feel so uncomfortable in their own skin.


we ARE learning to embrace ourselfs and even what all of the labels represent....that we ARE a survivor..........and no many how many times they push beat us down we alsayw find a way to pcik uoprselves back up wipe off the dirt and the blood and the muck and the tears adn keep moving forward.........there are many dayse (like today) that we dunnot know why we keep pressing onward but we do know that we will never never let her give up because iffen we do then THEY win and we will not let them win./..........somewhere inside there is a winner in us we just gotta find her

beads tell you thank you for acknowledging our struggles AND our efforts.........we dont hear that form anyone

Not many people can say they are confronted with such a mission, a true calling(I see mine as one. Its not for everybody!) despite its terror. No-one can take away YOUR story, your fight, your hesitant, beautiful, unconditional acceptance of yourselves after much work, sacrifice and heartbreak. If only people really knew........they would breathlessly stare at you in wonderment and awe and ask "How do you have the courage? My God, I can barely stand the idea. I would die." And most people would. But you all won't because your story is scripture.......it is written as part of history and you need to tell it one day.

it is in the telling that there is so much pain..........because iffen we allow oursevles the tellng we might actually have to\be able to feel it again and we is soooooooooo scared of those feelings they hurt so dadgum bad...............they seep out along with bits and pieces of the story, the puzzle if you will and leave us feeling so empty, so like our guts are just dragging on the floor.......but still we will keep going iffen we has to get a cart to carry them along behind us....someday, maybe we will understand the story and put all of the pieces of the puzzle together into something coherent and beautifu.,and be able to tell all......courage that we does not maybe have mustered up yet dunno were wornking on it tho


as the stillness and the chaos are so intertwined, the acceptance of who we are and where we've been seems like the hardest thing in the world to do
it feels so much worse then not good...............but we will keep ontrying to discover the good that must be in thre somewhere.not the old tapes of the garbage they taught us

thank you for such insightful support and encouragement

mary and all of us beadys

Hi mary and all you beadys.........thank you for wonderful insights and your courage even if you don't always feel it.......I see this huge undercurrent of strength in what you say. It is humbling and is knowledge for me. I am always amazed at peoples resilience......to face adversity. I have never seen myself as a resilient person........I don't quite know yet what gets me through. With hindsight I am sure I will. Stubbornness is sure part of it.

By the way, in the past, when my guts have fallen out and dragged on the floor(and believe me, they have, as well as my spirit!), I got myself a bright red wheelbarrow to carry it all around in!. That way, it was safe and wouldn't get dirty until I was ready to put it all back. Metaphorically speaking!!

Get yourself one.......it is worth it!!!!!(and your arms wont get sore from carrying it all)

Good on you, babe.......you are an inspiration.......

[beadlady29-old]

Stubbornness is sure part of it.

Yessssss stubbornness at refusing to quit even when it looks impossible to keep going is definitely a big part of resiliency.

Absolutely we now have her guts ( some has been on ground for a few days grr ) in a shiney bright red new wheelbarrow just for the task..........and it IS so much easier to push and we likes the idea that her insides wont get dirty no more!

TY

beads

[mlpHolmes]

Just a Reminder:

BPD Chats

Every Monday!!!

11:00AM (est) and & 7:00PM (est)

Would Love to meet You! Free refreshments!!!
Holmes

[skeeweeaka]

Originally Posted by mlpHolmes

Just a Reminder:

BPD Chats

Every Monday!!!

11:00AM (est) and & 7:00PM (est)

Would Love to meet You! Free refreshments!!!
Holmes

Thanks Holmes, I'll put this up on my pc so I can see it and remember it! I look forward to meeting you too!

TJ

[Michah]

Sorry to bring this up again everyone, am I conceited in doing so? I hope not. I have just seen a few struggles and thought this might help......It also explains a lot of who I am and what others have gone through in their quest......it is helpful in making a point.

Thank you for indulging me.....