[pinkcorr]

One of my biggest problems is caring TOO much about what others think of me. Even if I don't like someone I don't want them to think bad of me. I'm guessing that this is quite common whether you have BPD or not. I keep thinking that if I could get over this hurdle things would be alot easier, I'm just not sure how to "get over it" So I just constantly remind myself that what I think about me matters more, I'm also trying to remind myself thatI can't "mind read" lol. I often decide what other people think about what I say or do without even asking them. Quite a few things are happening in therapy for me ATM. I posted about them in the psychotherapy forum. I'll copy and paste the two posts here.

"I'm trying to find a balance between being too dependant on therapy and therapists and cutting all of it off completely. Its really difficult to get into the grey areas with this. At the beginning of the week, I wanted to leave and not go back because I was afraid I was becoming to dependant, by the end of the week I've let myself be dependant, and I find it hard to know if it was too far. In fact I'm finding it really hard to trust my instincts right now. our therapy group is changing in the next few months, funding being one of the factors for the change. There will be three people leaving, staff leaving. A whole new set up to our "group" its all quite overwhelming. I know that its going to be a learning experience and I think it'll be really important for me, especially since I want to cope with endings differently. But right now, in this moment, I'm feeling sad, upset, angry, scared.....

I don't post here often because I'm very worried about who could read this. But Its a friday, I don't have Therapy till Monday and there isn't anywhere else to get this out tonight."

AND......

k so yesterday I ended up telling one of my T's how I had thought I was in love with her about 2 months ago, (this was all done in a group with other staff and patients) I said that I had done alot of research about transference and I'd come to realise that I wasn't in love with her personally, I was in love with her the therapist. I also said that I didn't think I was "in love" with her the T anymore but that she is someone that I look up to. This all came out because I've seen her twice outside of therapy this week and it really scared me incase she thought I was stalking her. Now I know I'm not stalking her, and I'm pretty sure she knows that, but there's still a part of me that worries her or anyone else would think that. She was ok about it, everyone else in the group were ok about it, the only person who wasn't ok about what I had said was me? I was and still am so worried about what she thinks, what everyone else thinks and what I think.

Stupidly I called in today and spoke to her on the phone, she wouldn't say what she felt about it because she said she knows that I know what she feels about it. And she said something about me having a think about why I can't trust my gut instinct just now. I really really shouldn't have called, I've called in twice this week, and thats not good. I'm left feeling that she might be a bit angry with me, if she's not angry then she's probably frustrated, which I don't blame her for because I'm frustrated with me. Especially for calling on impulse like that, for being needy. I really want to be more sure of myself, and not have this desperate need for reassurance. I am so much more comfortable within myself than I have ever been, but I'm still not comfortable enough except the flaws I have and I'm still very critical of myself. Now I'm crying......I don't even want to be posting this here, just incase someone I know reads it, but its really difficult to explain to my friends. Ach why is my personality sooooo disordered!!!!!

Sorry this is so long.

[Princess Butterfly]

Whoahhh Firstly slow down.Girl you are far to hard on yourself.You set your expectations so high above the clouds that noone would be acheieve them and noone else is pressuring you but you to meet those expectations.
I bet your really anxious about the stuff with T and you feel you want in black and white maybe her saying"Pinkcorr i'm not angry but you know i dont have those feelings"
Although you would prob try to mind read or think theres something shes not saying to you anyway.
The changes in therapy are a big thing to go through for anyone but the uncertainty of things makes you automatically want reassurance and comfort,as any change would effect anyone like that also.And your T you feel close too so you automatically go to her.
She sounds like she's really proffessional about it.Personally I'd be flattered.

Give yourself a break lovely

[Perna]

Think if you were thrust into a dungeon :-) It's dark and scary and your senses are overwhelmed because you can't see and things echo strangely and there are weird sounds and smells. What are you going to do?

Sounds to me like you're trying to "balance" by standing in the middle of the cell before you have explored it! You have to first see how big it is, whether there's anything good or truly bad about it; there could be a door out just 10 feet from you but you can't see it because it's so dark.

Calling in a couple times, making sure you understand can be a healthy way to explore boundaries, learn about situations you are in and people around you. You can't just "balance" all on your own with no practice, sometimes it takes holding onto other people or the wall and always takes understanding of your own body and how it behaves in space and time. The practice is for building muscles to support you (as you stand on one leg sometimes. . . or your head :-)

One thing that helped me was to "accept" AND support myself. When I write something here (or anywhere) or say something, etc. I do so knowing I will back myself up, no matter what. I will do my best to explain to people who don't "like' it or who I think misunderstand it but I will not be one of those because I don't write/say things without thinking about what I want to get across and knowing it's "Me".

But that's not to say I'm perfect and don't make mistakes! I've had people point out how what I've said made them feel and realized I did not express myself very well or was ignorant about their point of view and had I'd know of it, might not have said what I did. However, I always back myself up; if I'm wrong I admit it, I apologize, I learn. I'm proud of myself for trying and for being "Me".

Get to really like yourself and want to support and back yourself up. Be your own best friend. Look for and find your own center and that will do the most to help you balance. But while you're doing that, use therapists as "tools" and don't worry too much about what they're thinking, it has more to do with what they're doing than what you are doing.