You know you're borderline when...

Clearly Roy is not a borderline! He's never gone off the deep end and lost control just because his wife or girlfriend didnt call or isnt at home when he called and left a nice little message with their parents. Roy if you dont get it dont post here.

Yippee, my roommate's gone for the weekend!!

I'm bored, What else is there to do in this place.

your boss gives you a double raise and you are put in charge of the department and also made employee of the month and you go to work and start crying and having a fit because you know that noone believes you can do your job

When your wife tells you she loves you but I can't imagine why. How can she. How could this be possible. I wonder if she only stays because I have a job. This guy she screwed was a jobless lowlife who is in jail now. is that what she wants. Am I just a paycheck. Why do I stay. I just dont want to be alone. I have tried to leave but had anxiety attack and went back. I feel so pathetic. I am such a loser. I don't know why I am even here.

You are evicted after 35 years because the whole family and friends have had enough of your 'mad' behaviour, which you have just been told could be bpd!

One of your friends you've been through so much stuff with and have known for 10 years starts to not hang around as much anymore, so he must be hanging out with other people and talking trash about you, so you send him a long message of why you hate him (hitting him hard, because you're using all the things you know will hurt him bad) to later find out he is working two jobs and that all his friends are wondering if they did something wrong, the only difference is that you reacted with hatemail, and they didn't.....

-_- at the time it made sense..... lol

You know you're borderline when you tell someone off for talking on their cellphone while driving (it's illegal here in NZ), you report them to the police so they get a fine, then you answer your cellphone while driving only a few days later.

You are 35 and never had a boyfriend, or anything close to it.

All the people you thought were your "friends" HATE, I mean vehemently HATE your guts. They all said, invariably, and correctly, you're crazy, insane, neurotic. They all said, no one gives a **** about you, stay away from me, don't ever contact me or I'll call the cops on you. Your anger explodes at the slightest indication that they're not devoting 100% of their attention to you. This means that the core of who you are as a human being is just worthless, pathetic, a pile of abominable ****.

The people who you thought actually "cared" about you are heartless and refuse to spare even a ****ing millisecond to think about your well-being. Everyone ignores your calls, texts, e-mails, etc., or put you on their black list. In the meanwhile, you are half-alive/half-dead in this wretched purgatory of not wanting to live, but being too cowardly to die.

You ****ed up all connections you've ever had with human beings and now you're too afraid to attempt making any new connections. And I don't want to confront the inevitable questions that new people will ask me (or at a minimum will think about me): how come you've never had a boyfriend? Why don't you have any friends?

You're afraid to make any more connections with people because each time someone abandons you (and EVERY SINGLE TIME they DO abandon you), they're essentially murdering you. Your soul, the essence of your being, is murdered. People stab you emotionally incessantly until you are dead inside.

You know you're borderline when:

Everyone abandons you. And you're convinced it's because you're inherently not a good person. What I crave the most are sincere genuine relationships; most especially romantic ones, because I'm 35 and never had a boyfriend. No one took me out to a nice dinner/movie or any other type of nice quality-time date. I've been alone all my life. Will I be like this forever?

- you also know you're borderline when...

in the psych ward, you give a blow job to a guy who has aids (you don't give a **** about yourself), just because he says you're cute. His saying "you're cute" was enough to give you in, because no one has ever told you that you have any semblance of being a worthwhile person. No guy has ever told you that you are pretty, beautiful, or gave you flowers, or paid any attention to you.

You lie about being sexually molested. You make up stories about how you were molested on different occasions by different guys in different ways. You lie because then people think there's a legitimate explanation for why you're so ****ed up. Truth is, I've never been molested. I'm just ****ed up because I'm ****ed up.

--- I do have hope... a dim faint glimmer of hope. Is there anyone out there who can tell me that for 35 or more years they've been alone, I mean ALONE, but now is content and happy and have sincere heart-felt relationships and leads a meaningful life?

omg that is so true!! It made me smile to hear others who feel like that. My husband will look at me like I'm nuts. I'll be halfway out the door and something will trigger me and I throw my shoes and purse down and say forget it and stomp up the stairs. What most people can get through as a mild set back will ruin my whole day.

Oh dear. I did this today

Sorry everyone. I think I was being a little too mean (although there were elements of truth in what I wrote before). Apologies nonetheless.

I can't tell you I'm alone physically, but I certainly am alone in my head if that makes any sense to you?

Your post screams how much pain you're in and it's pretty clear you think everyone hates you.
I don't go out of my way to be friends with people because the rejection is too much. I have told a few people straight up that I have BPD and more, but I will not let it define me as a person..

I truly hope you stick around here. It can be an invaluable source. I know I've read posts and I started nodding and hoped my head wouldn't fall off. I don't always reply because I do find some threads very triggering. And I'm pretty blunt. And this is probably the longest post I've EVER done.

...when you are filled with self-loathing and consider yourself a loser and a total dumbass because in a friendly competition among friends, you are coming in second place.

me = self-loathing, loser, dumbass, second place. Got it, I already know, thanks.

"friendly competition among friends" - what does that mean? when I think "friends" I do not think of people who call me self-loathing, loser, dumbass, second place. am I missing something?

I already know "self-loathing, loser, total dumbass..." No need to remind me again. I beg, don't make it worse for me. Think whatever you want but don't write those words down for me to read. I beg... I do not want even BPDs to judge those things of me. Think it if you want, but don't say it directly to me.

Was looking for support... couldn't find any. Let's leave it at that. No need to debase me even more ok? Please. Either be considerate and sensitive and tactful in what you say and how you say it, or be silent. I can handle silence. I cannot cope with people, even worse other BPDs, emphasizing how I'm a "loser, dumbass, etc. etc." Please, stop degrading me. Thank you.

I regret everything I said. Forget everything I said and go on with whatever it was you were doing. SORRY. I am going to unregister.

sevenofnine, it sounds like you're having a horrendous time at the moment and I'm so sorry you have to go through this. I wish I could offer words of comfort but I know how it often feels like there's nothing anyone can say you make a difference. Please know that you're not a bad person and sometimes it feels like all you can do is vent because really, you feel totally helpless otherwise. I don't judge you for your outburst, we all have times where we want to just scream our heads off but often don't for fear of being judged or labelled as crazy. I hope you're feeling better today and please know you always have a place here to share.

Want to hear something that might at least make you laugh a bit? I do a paper run from 2am to 7am and this morning when I was backing out of a driveway in the darkness, I smashed right into someone's huge brick letterbox. The noise was SO freaking LOUD (because it's soooo quiet at 4am!!) and I completely smashed in the back right end of the car. The person who lived in the house woke up, turned on their lights, and I shat myself and got out of there really fast before they could come outside and yell at me LOL. I delivered a few more papers then I saw them walking around the street looking for me - eeeek!! So I turned the car off and ducked down until they gave up. The funniest/scariest part - the car I was driving is my mother-in-laws!! Thankfully my father-in-law had already smashed up that side of the car hitting a fence so hopefully she doesn't notice the few extra dings and scrapes I decorated her car with lol. At the time I was freaking out but looking back now it's kind of funny. Hope that made you laugh a bit!

No need to take everything so damn personally. What makes you think I was even referring to you? I was talking about myself. Because I've been acting like that on Facebook with the games. I just HAVE to come in first place, or I start calling myself names.

And thanks for insulting ME by insinuating I'm the kind of person who would talk to somebody that way.

This was supposed to be a light-heared poke-fun-at-ourSELVES thread.

I could say more about "even BPDs judging," as if there is something wrong with being a BPD, but what the hell. If someone is determined to be negative-thinking, they're going to be.

Edited for the mods, if this gets me a warning, I'm sorry, but I can't say I regret it. I feel I said what needed to be said.

When you cut yourself because your bf is too busy to spend time with you. Only to have him text that he's on his way... Oops

You know you're borderline when you storm out of your GP's office telling her she's fired as you slam the door behind you.......

Thank you. A very heart-felt sincere thank you. This is true support. You are the only person that has truly shown understanding and kindness in a very very long time (but now that I think of it, it's hard for me to remember anyone showing this level of compassion of empathy to me ever). But thank you.

Misunderstanding... I apologize... please read what I write below and try to understand.

I replied like that because your post came right after a string of posts that have been deleted... I've re-posted those posts more than once but they keep on being deleted. Those posts were addressed directly toward me, which I know because I was quoted and received personal e-mails. The best I can do is summarize, vaguely, what they were about.

They said things like "it's not surprising that no one likes you" and "you're a master at manipulating" and "save your bull for someone else." Most of all, I remember "it's not surprising that no one likes you." It's as if those words are caught in a feedback loop in my head. "No one likes you... No one likes you... No one likes you..." Even BPDs don't like me.

So I thought your post, LoveBirdsFlying, was extending on those previous posts, attacking me even more. I see now that they were not. I totally understand your response - I'm sure I would've reacted in the exact same way. The EXACT same way.

The last thing I want is for yet another person, even worse a BPD, to be angry at me. I do not think I can withstand any more emotional battery. Why do I feel like I'm always the one at fault, apologizing and begging for forgiveness, only to be pelleted even more with degrading allegations against me? Why am I constantly feeling pathetic, shameful, so little, and so worthless? Thank god this forum is online and anonymous. The walls of my computer screen provide just enough of a buffer zone to prevent me from having an all-out mental breakdown.

Anyways please don't hate me. There are already too many people in this world who hate me. I fear that my delicate sensitive psyche could collapse if another ball of anger were added to my unfortunate pile of heavy downtrodden weights.

Once again, sorry LoveBirdsFlying. Can you try to understand? Can I get an apology too? Can you forgive me? Am I worthy of being forgiven? Am I? Or all the negative things that everyone said about me true? Does anyone understand how powerful an apology can be? It's validation - something I've been craving all my life - something I haven't been able to fully realize. Can someone tell me "I'm sorry"? Or will I be reminded once again that I'm worthless ****, that I'm the one one who needs to apologize to everyone because I'm so messed up... Maybe the the entire world is right. FML.

Understood. I am sorry for biting back. I did wonder if I reacted too strongly.

I have been in therapy for a long time, but I have also been where you are. I have gotten a lot of those messages myself, and my defense has usually been to put myself down first, before someone else gets a chance. Of course, then I get a kick in the pants for putting myself down, but as I have told my therapist, husband, and pastor when they rebuke me for it, every horrible thing I say to myself has been said to me before by someone else. Usually a family member or a classmate--someone I would see every day. My husband asks, "So when are you going to stop listening to them?" After 47 years of it, easier said than done.

I can't speak for you, and I don't think it's good to give advice to others. A 12-step program would say, "Share our experience, strength, and hope." So instead of telling others what they should do, I say what works for me, and if they want to follow it, it might work for them too. For me, the biggest danger to my mental health is too much time on my hands. If that's going on, then I end up ruminating on abuse that has been heaped on me, or even worse, looking for more of it. A lot of times I set myself up to be insulted, so I can play the victim role when it happens. I didn't used to be aware of doing this, but I was doing it. Now that I do know it, I can control it a lot better.

I have a picture-perfect memory when it comes to mistreatment. Somehow I tend not to remember the good stuff. This has been proven to me by videotapes my brother made, showing our dysfunctional family having fun and good times. Obviously I was there, but I have no memory of it. Bad times have also been caught on tape, and those I remember in vivid detail as if it happened just this morning. The advantage is, it does validate me. My family often likes to play "It didn't happen that way" when I remember something unpleasant, but I can point to those videos and answer, "Oh yes it did."

So my task is to work harder on remembering the good things too, and not go looking for the bad.

No worries at all. You're only human and sometimes all a person really needs is for someone to just give you a smile and tell you it's okay to just let it all out instead of feeling like you have to hold it in. You're more than welcome

....when you can't get your old, cheap blood pressure machine to work properly, so you come to the conclusion that you're worthless and the machine hates you.

....when you've just noticed your next-door neighbor has a For Sale sign up in front of her house, and your very first automatic thought is, "Well, I guess the uppity old snob thinks she's too good to live next door to us."

Yes, that was my knee-jerk thought. Honestly! There are a million reasons a person might need to sell their house and move, and none of them have anything to do with living next door to us. We've lived here for four years, and she's just now selling. If it was us, she'd have sold a long time ago.

Did you smash it?