I hate myself...

And I don't even know why. But I hate myself. Beyond hate. I hate myself more than anyone else in the world. I am my worst enemy. I told my T that I don't deserve help, that I just deserve to live in misery. And it's true. I'm a terrible person.

I don't know why I'm posting this here... maybe because it's one of the symptoms of BPD... but I just want to know someone can relate. I hate my constant changing moods, my need to control everything in anyway that I can. I hate every fiber of my being.

I don't know what's wrong with me....

I can definitely relate to that. I've hated myself for years. Although, lately I've been able to shift it a little. Now I hate the bpd. It's still really hard, but it's a little easier to deal with and work on stuff when I have something to point to. You might try making that shift. It helped me so much.

Hi, Yesterdays. I know these feelings. I can relate. This is why, exactly, I gave up and went into therapy. I wasn't going to make it, and I needed a rope to cling to...it's not a hand, my therapist tells me. He says it's a rope. And I won't get anywhere unless I grab onto it...(He's maybe hedging it a little there....he's given me a hand a lot of times.......but not overall.)

I've been thinking about that horror and panic. It is extremely stressful....

And I've been doing some reading about survivor psychology--the study of reactions to the stress of the absence of resources.

It made me think about us, about borderlines: I think it's true that borderlines feel so intensely that it puts us into a stress overload--into the sensation that we are in danger, that something horrible is just about to happen--maybe even is happening. We have tremendous insecurity about being loved--about being loveable. This is a legitimate need, a hugely important one.

So, here's the research I've read so far: People living in conditions of extreme stress often undergo a process of psychic deadening.....they stop experiencing ordinary human feelings like compassion. Their need to survive takes over, replacing those feelings with the drive for self-preservation. This is threatened when others ask too much of us--or, are not giving us enough (and I think that "enough" is actually a legitimate level, too--I just don't think it's supposed to come from others...but I'm working on that...)

So, here's what I was thinking: that as we become more self aware, as is supposed to happen in therapy--and which is a major goal, it can make us feel, for a season (and maybe a long season), much, much worse about ourselves. In therapy, even before therapy--whenever we are confronted with the conflict between our needs and the responsibility to take care of others' needs (...or something like that..Still working that part out, too.) the horrible feelings come because we don't believe we are good--not even "good enough", and we're afraid that if other people find out, they will destroy us in some way. But, we want to be good...we want to belong, and we are completely stressed out by the situation--by putting ourselves in positions of risking being rejected. We become afraid to even try.

Borderlines are survivors.....so, what is it we're surviving?, and how can we go about surviving in a functional manner?--a manner that has compassion for ourselves, a manner that has enough hope to see ourselves as connected to others, as belonging....

You are surviving, and it is very painful and stressful, and there is a lot to learn and re-learn. I sometimes wish I didn't remember this (because I sometimes rage against hope) but I will never forget Desiderata--the poem that says "you are a child of the universe, you have a right to be here." You do. I do. It's okay that it's really hard sometimes.

I'm going to continue researching survivor psychology...Do you know that the leaders who emerge in crisis are those who can take decisive action and don't care if they hurt anyone's feelings?.............Sounds like a borderline job announcement to me!

Much love.

To bpd2 = Thank you so much for this...
To Yesterdays = you are not alone in this struggle at all. I can relate to all the frustration and confusion with the selfhatred too. but theres also ...

I'm sorry you are feeling bad today. Self-loathing is common. However, I've noticed that this feeling fluctuates in intensity. Maybe today you hate yourself a lot but tomorrow that might be reduced.

The good thing about having BPD is mood swings, which is exactly that:right now your swinging low but in an hour you might be high as a kite.

Hello, Yesterdays. This article may be useful. Unfortunately, it has some ads to navigate around:

http://www.stumbleupon.com/su/2mdTan...y-part-3-of-3/

Byz--that is a good, good site. It is a little hard to navigate around in, but every place I went, I found myself nodding my head, raising my eyebrows, thinking, "Yeah! That's right!" Or exclaiming, "OH!"

Good one! And FULL of topics for our chats!

I am sorry this feeling is engulfing you....I don't have many words, but the wisdom that so many have already shared is beyond great...I just wanted to add I also feel this way to atm...And what's already said is this can go from one extreme to the other...Keep posting here. You can and will find great support. Sometimes just letting your feelings be known is great relief in itself...greatest of all hugs if safe...Take care