[tjtherese]

Hello all... my name is TJ. I'm looking for help to understand my mother who shows some signs of BPD. I realize this board is for people "with" BPD-- is there a thread or a place here at PsychCentral for family members who show signs of having BPD parents? This is a completely new concept to me. I was just introduced to this disorder yesterday so I'm trying to learn what it is to then figure out if this is what my mother is dealing with. I'm hoping you can help me...

Thank you so much-
TJ

[ECHOES]

Hello there. I can recommend a very good book, if you like to read/research things.
Understanding the Borderline Mother [Helping Her Children Transcend the Intense, Unpredictable, and Volatile Relationship] by Christine Ann Lawson, was very helpful to me in realizing that I am at least a 3rd generation borderline, maybe more but I don't know much about my relatives beyond grandparents.

I took information from this book and the book Get Me Out of Here by Rachel Rieland and asked my psychotherapist of the diagnosis fit me. She readily agreed and had thought so for a while. She doesn't focus on diagnoses, and doesn't want her patients to get hung up on diagnoses. What's happening now and what it's about is what we focus on and that means looking back to where things orginated and exploring my perspectives to see if there is more there than what seems to be there.

It is a lot to deal with on your own. I regret that I didn't have a therapist to help me with my own parents. I hope you will consider letting someone help you explore this.

[bpd2]

My advice: Before you go any further, I think you need to talk to your mother, first, about whether or not she is borderline and open the door for looking into it with her, if that is still the way you want to go. Typically, when someone thinks they know what is "wrong" with another person, it scares the person and makes them feel vulnerable, especially if that diagnosis was achieved without their consent.

I wonder what knowing how well your mother fits the diagnosis of borderline would do for you? What are your goals? Is it so that you can improve your relationship by understanding her better? Is it to validate your own experience as a child with a mother "like that"? Is it just curiosity?

I can tell you that it would hurt me very much if my children were trying to understand me through a diagnosis. If your mother has a therapist, and if she is borderline, the question of her being borderline, if she is, would have come up. Asking her about it, in that case, would be a better experience for both of you.

If there has been no borderline diagnosis, and if your mother doesn't even know that you are researching a diagnosis of her, I don't see how this can lead to a good experience in your relationship.

Next, my opinion of Understanding the Borderline Mother: I absolutely do not recommend it. For one thing, the research in it is dated, and Lawson's expertise is EMDR and treatment for trauma victims. More importantly, though, the descriptions of the types of mothers, to my mind, only contribute to the stigmatization of borderlines. It is written for "victims" of borderlines. I put victims in quotation marks, because the book is oriented toward those stuck with a borderline mother--as children are "stuck" with their mothers. It is not, however, helpful for understanding the condition of bpd. Most unhelpful of all, while the book claims to offer specific strategies for helping children cope with their mothers, the conclusion the book reaches, time after time, is "get away," "flee," "save yourself."

If you decided to continue your research on your mother by reading about bpd, there are two guides that I would recommend. Both are (realistically) positive, and both take a family approach--the one most likely (statistically) to achieve the most improvement in relationships. I don't know how old you are, and what level of reading you find accessible, but one that everyone can read fairly easily is New Hope for People with Borderline Personality Disorder. The second book is a brand new book: Overcoming Borderline Personality Disorder. It is stunning in tone, breadth of understanding and treatment of Borderline Personality Disorder. It uses cutting-edge research, and rests upon decades of work with borderlines. It is a large book, but it is possible to read chapters as stand-alones.

If you are still living at home with your mother, whichever book you read, it's important that you read it with someone in the mental health field. They can help with perspective on what you're reading, they can help with the level of emotion that is likely to arise while you are doing your research.

Many of us who are bpd have been trying to understand our disorder for years. Some of our therapists struggle too. Part of that is because we are very much individual. For example: there are two typical patterns of response for a borderline: fight or flee...be extremely social, or isolate....that sort of thing. Some of those phases last for years and years, some of them alternate within a day, or a couple of times within a day.

And, finally, if you want to keep looking, there are websites for helping family members improve their experiences of living in a family with a member with bpd, such as bpdfamily.com (where Christine Lawson virtually resides, at least sometimes).

One more note, if you do read Understanding the Borderline Mother and use it as a guide, please don't leave it lying around for her to come upon.

[bpd2]

TJ, I may have sounded fierce. I don't mean to do so. I do, though, mean to ask you to be careful about motive and careful about support for both you and your mother. It sounds like you love her very much, and I am glad for you both. But even when we love people, we don't always act in their best interests. I just want you to be careful, and I hope you will protect each other from pain. I know this is a lot to ask of someone (you) who already may have had to bear a great deal. All I can say is, no one wanted it that way.

[Katheryn1]

TJ, As a 59 yr old BP Mom, of sons age 39 and 29, I would suggest that you find a therapist who specializes in this disorder. If your Mother will allow you to speak with her therapist, so much the better. If not, find a therapist on your own. Never give up. Your Mother has probably suffered much pain,fear, and grief. She's been very afraid--and has probably been sexually and emotionally abused as a child. It is NOT up to you to "forgive" her of the pain she inflicted on you. It is "Mankinds" hope that you will understand and feel her pain, terror, and confusion.

I NEVER ONCE did NOT love my sons. I simply, in my great fear of being rejected--again--could not accept their love, simply--without their "proving it to me....

And that "Absolute Thing" The "Noble, Righteous' thing"? The Black/White Thing? It is a perfectionists way of trying to making sense of an imperfect, fearful world, by a an imperfect, fearful, insecure, person--and aren't we all like that at some point?

Relax, take a deep breath, love your Mother, let the god's lead the way,
always know that your Mom loves you, become educated, be patient, and somehow it will all work out.

Hello all... my name is TJ. I'm looking for help to understand my mother who shows some signs of BPD. I realize this board is for people "with" BPD-- is there a thread or a place here at PsychCentral for family members who show signs of having BPD parents? This is a completely new concept to me. I was just introduced to this disorder yesterday so I'm trying to learn what it is to then figure out if this is what my mother is dealing with. I'm hoping you can help me...

Thank you so much-
TJ[/QUOTE]

[stephc]

Hey, I just want to offer my support as I am a teenager with a mother that has BPD. She was diagnosed a year ago I think and it hasn't been easy but now she says that the new medication she's on is working for her. I don't know much to be honest, but I know that she loves me very much and I love her, even if it hasn't been easy sometimes. I don't know if it helped but I hope you know you're not alone.

[bpd2]

katheryn, that was beautifully put.

stephc, I am really sorry for what you have to have gone through. My daughters are in therapy, with my husband and me, to help us all stay clear and compassionate.

TJ, can you give us an update on whether you have taked to your mother about your concern that she might have BPD?