[shezbut]

I don't want to keep living through being pushed aside.

I abhor being the frickin second fiddle! Days like this.... My daughters anxious to see their wonderful Daddy. It takes all of my self-control to resist my violent urges. Particularly when they're pushing me aside, not following my directions, acting like little brats!

I would just LOOOOVE to say, "Fine!! F-u, I am oughtta here!!"

I know what a freaking biatch I must be. Cruel. Hateful!

I can't stand it!!!

[bpd2]

Shezbut, do you have a therapist? Now's the time.
Make a call. Get help.
This is BPD stuff, and it's why we get help.

[shezbut]

Yes, I do have a T.

I am on Medical Asssistance though, and am now down to therapy twice per month. So, I have one more week until I can go. It's as though being pushed down brings on these suicidal ideations for me. I pulled myself back completely from my bf last night...hid in my apartment with the doors locked and lights off. Went to sleep for 12 hours. Never wanting to waken and face SOS.

Just a hard time of my life, I know. Repeat it over and over, along with "life will improve", blah, blah blah...

[bpd2]

I really understand wanting to isolate. But the problem with that is that we're stuck with only our own voices--or old tapes of others--in our heads. Not a good idea when we're 'way down.

Sleep can be a great healer, but if it didn't make you feel calmer, then add help to that.

Today, on a thread, I read that we don't have to support others all the time, and that sometimes it's ok just to ask for support. Maybe you need solitude in order to think and begin anew. But if you are using solitude as an escape (description sure sounds like it), then it's not really working...I'm glad you're posting here. And maybe post in the depression forum also?

Another thought: I don't think it helps to tell ourselves global goods--like, life will improve. It feels good to me, though, to say that I can improve my thinking, as in there is no "only" answer. There are many answers. Can you talk to your boyfriend about what the specifics of your life are and borrow his brain to help you think of changes you can make? Also, even if you can't see your therapist for a week, can you call him/her?

Many, many hugs. I'm sorry you are so sad.

[Chronic]

(((((Shezbut)))))

I struggle with this all too often. I don't have kids but I do feel that I'm second, third, forth best to everyone I know-none existent even. I get frustrated and soooo angry I don't know what to do with myself. I wish I wasn't like this too, but I can't seem to make it stop.

When I feel like this I usually call T (for lack of anyone who understands, or cares for that matter). T can usually bring me back or say something to calm me down. A week seems A LOOONG time right now before you see T again- maybe a quick call to say what is going on will help until you can discuss it fully?

As BPD2 says, this is all part of BPD- one of the worst parts IMO. I am so sorry you are feeling like this. Keep posting here, and I hope a few hugs will help

[shezbut]

Thank you Chronic.

My T has been off work this week, and doesn't accept phone calls. Oh well.

I did see my psychiatrist yesterday, and had a quick talk with him about my emotions, sleep issues, and increased seizure activity that's being going on for the past month or two. Being complicated, the answer to my misery isn't the easiest either. My psychiatrist quickly reminded me that my daughter is just that ~ young. It's my responsiblity to get through my emotions. True...and sucky...but that's the reality in life.

He wasn't a jerk about it ~ just kind of "matter of fact". As I cried, he encouraged me to talk about the hurt, rather than repressing the pain. Although I don't like to talk about it, I did, and that helped me a little. My psychiatrist also reminded me to not pull away from everyone, but to try to work with my ex-hub on co-parenting. (My instinct is to pull away in pain ~ but I can't do that & expect to have a good relationship with my girls.) Another thing to work through I guess

[bpd2]

Dear Shez, I am sorry this is a painful time for you. It's good to hear that you have such a wise psychiatrist! This is a wonderful thing. Do you ever have time to go to the chats? There's one on DBT skills and one on Grounding techniques. They're soothing...good places...a break in your day.