[lotusflames]

I'm diagnosed bipolar and bpd and half the time i have no idea what symptoms go with what and what is actually me

lately, for the last 12 months maybe, i'm becoming obsessed with things. not things, PEOPLE. Guys.

I'm married.

i feel like i'm falling in love with people and then weeks / ,months later i realise that i'm not. it's one after another at the moment.

the whole idolising people until they do something wrong and it's killing me and my friendships. i'm lucky, 2 of the people i've been completely honest with and they've stuck around despite everything though i feel ignored by the 2 of them at the moment and completely abandoned but i daren't tell them that cos they have their own lives outside of what crap is going on with me.

is it me? Is it bpd? will it stop?

[LookingforCalm]

Hi! I dated someone with bipolar disorder, and the obsessive stuff makes sense to me. Have you done any research or read up on your diagnosis for better understanding? I would suggest that your spouse read up on this too. It helps!

Here's some books on Amazon:
http://www.amazon.com/gp/search/ref=...oks-Submit.y=0

I suggest Loving Someone with Bipolar Disorder. I read that and it does help.

Hope this helps!

[lotusflames]

i dont know if it's the bipolar or the bpd. i've loads of bpd books but bipolar not so much

[tattoogirl33]

I too have been dx with both and I agree it's very confusing!! I don't have any advice to offer, just wanted you to know you're not alone! ((((lotusflames))))

[lotusflames]

i just dont seem to be able to trust anything,

i'll easily become obsessed with someone (usually a guy) to the point i can't live without them which just freaks them out. and i'll convince myself i need them, want them and am in love with them.

then something happens and i feel completley abandoned and i hate it (read not responding to a message for 5 minutes) and i cant have them.

but if i can convince myself i love them, how do i know i actually love my husband?

[MDDBPDPTSD]

Originally Posted by lotusflames

i just dont seem to be able to trust anything,

i'll easily become obsessed with someone (usually a guy) to the point i can't live without them which just freaks them out. and i'll convince myself i need them, want them and am in love with them.

then something happens and i feel completley abandoned and i hate it (read not responding to a message for 5 minutes) and i cant have them.

but if i can convince myself i love them, how do i know i actually love my husband?

I guess you know that your love for your husband is real because it preceded this period of obsession you have identified.

As I read your initial post, I was thinking these feelings sound like the BPD. I have BPD, but do not have bi-polar. Others have posted that they think it is bi-polar. Not trying to confuse you, but I can only give you my opinion.

The abandonment issues & the losing yourself in someone else, is BPD.

It sounds like you are trying to separate the feelings & thoughts you have as a result of your diagnoses from the thoughts & feelings that are the "real" you. I have struggled with this in the past too. I never found a good answer to that, nor was I able to accomplish this separation.

Although I still try to identify which feelings might be BPD related, what I have discovered is that, for me, the BPD is part of the real me, so there is no way to separate all that. All of it is me.

It would be much tidier if I could identify certain feelings as BPD related, thus invalidating them & I do not have to own them either. I could blame them on the illness. I still want to do that sometimes, but I have found that to be counterproductive for me. It may not be that way for you.

Hang in there.

I have to agree with MDDBPDPTSD, it sounds like what you're experiencing is connected to your BPD thinking. I think it's something many of us experience so you aren't alone or strange With BPD, we often focus on someone new as wonderful and perfect and then a bit later, when they do something we might not agree with or reject or hurt us in some way (which is normal in human relationships), we split them to being bad. It's because we often have difficulty holding both bad and good qualities together at one time. I know that I'm able to "intellectually" know that everyone has both positive and negative traits, but when it comes to my own personal relationships, I seem to hold the person(s) I'm involved with to a higher standard, and I tend to insist that they occupy the pedestal position. If the person makes a mistake, I shift him/her into the all bad position and simply walk away or lose interest. In a sense, I dismiss them; not in an angry or negative way. I just walk away. Understandably, it makes for difficult personal relationships. Hope you're able to figure things out.

[Perna]

Love isn't just a feeling, it's following through on the feeling with action. You married your husband, you dated him, got to know him, went through a marriage ceremony and stay with him. Presumably you do things with him now, "live" life with him.

The obsessions are just feelings and only expressed on your part, in your head; there's no reciprocal action, no "proof" of the love on your or the others' part. Real love is never one-sided, but requires the loved one to share of themselves so the lover can get to know them better in both words and action. Just looking out of one's own eyes and liking what one sees is not love, but interest.

"He looks good!" is literal but has to be followed up by exploration to see if he really "is" good for one's self. The other has to 'prove" their goodness, deliberately on their part, to you. You, have to explore the other in all relationships, not just what you see/feel/sense in yourself. I liked how my husband treated me when we were dating but I looked at how he treated his mother, my mother, his ex-wife, other women he worked with, etc. before I was satisfied he "treats women well".

[lotusflames]

Perna,

it's not that rational though.

have you never felt this all consuming need / want for someone else? Even if they dont show you that they feel the same in return you grab on to any bit of kindness and convince yourself that they feel how you do? That they can do no wrong?

Then they do something, or don't do something, and it's all different. you want nothing to do with them and nothing can convince you that they ever did anything good for you.