[butterfly_wings]

Hi, I'm new to the forums, so hopefully won't say anything out of place. Apologies if I do.

I've been diagnosed with BPD for five years, and am 24 at the end of the month. I have also suffered from quite severe related psychosis for eight years.

I'm exhausted with it. I've been through a lot of therapy, including many intensive and inpatient psychotherapies, as well as medication. I've spent the last two years in and out of deep crises and in and out of hospital.

I find I'm feeling more and more like ending my life. At the moment, the future seems impossible and unbearable, and death feels like the right thing to do.

My immediate family are a wonderful source of support and they are what keep me here - I'm terribly afraid of hurting them. But my 'need to die' feels so strong that I have been having intrusive thoughts about killing them, so that they wouldn't feel the pain. I recognise it's incredibly narrow-minded and selfish, but I struggle to see how anyone wants to live, and part of me thinks I'd be saving them.

I have no intention of acting on these thoughts, ideally we would go together in a suicide pact but I know they actually like life, which is part of the reason I wouldn't cause harm to them, but the thoughts are graphic and they distress me.

I am wondering if thoughts of hurting others are normal in BPD?

[objtrbit]

hiya butterfly_wings! welcome to PC!

I'm sorry you're going through so much turmoil, so much that you have thoughts of killing yourself. I hope you are able to find the support you need-every life is unique, with you gone, there is no more you anymore, and I bet you're awesome; sometimes it is so hard to see the things about ourselves that we really love.

I don't know enough about bpd yet to tell you what all is connected with it, but I think you will enjoy some of these forums, like "you know you're borderline when" lol, a lot of the forums could probabley really give you some insight, some laughs, and if nothing else, know you're not alone.

As for your question with hurting others-if you are having those thoughts, I think it's natural actually. I donno, but I think you're angry; I'm thinking they have hurt you in some form or another, and are either continuing to do so or have not validated anything that they did..like tried to aplogize and things of that nature. From my experience, if you still have a T, or even a close support family member or friend, I think it's a good idea to talk about some of that, see where those in your thoughts have hurt you.

(((butterfly_wings))),
I hope people and events ease offa ya enough for you to start feeling better. In the moment, I know everything is straight out suckage, but we never know what the future holds...I guess the idea being that things can only get better from here. I think joining PC was a good step in that direction by itself, ya know? You're reaching out, so you still care about yourself-good deal there. Things may be crazy now, but I encourage you to do the things you love, find escapes that are healthy.

Take care,
-obj

[butterfly_wings]

Hi obj, thank you so much for your response.

I don't consciously feel angry towards my family at the moment, but know I have been let down by them in the past. They allowed abuse to continue at the hands of a grandparent for many years longer than necessary - they were misinformed and badly manipulated by him, and, after finding out about the abuse when I was four, were led to believe it would be less damaging for me if I continued to see him, and he 'promised he'd stop'. They were also quite invalidating of my experiences but again this was not their fault, as I strongly believe my mum was abused by him too during childhood.

I have felt rage and hate towards them over the years, but recently my mum has been wonderful - responsive, validating and caring. So my anger towards her is not as conscious to me as my immense love.

A problem may be that, they are the only people I really have in my life, and are my registered carers. They are going away to Egypt next week and so I will be left alone for a week. Maybe I'm angry about that, on some level?

I generally feel that my life is utterly pointless and empty. I believe that you have to put your own meaning into life, but feel unwilling to do this because I am so sure that I will fail, and don't feel I have the energy. I feel like, at heart I'm a weak and unpleasant person, even though on the surface I'm kind, warm, gentle and sociable. Sometimes I wonder if I have any insides or outsides at all.

[objtrbit]

Originally Posted by butterfly_wings

Hi obj, thank you so much for your response.

I don't consciously feel angry towards my family at the moment, but know I have been let down by them in the past. They allowed abuse to continue at the hands of a grandparent for many years longer than necessary - they were misinformed and badly manipulated by him, and, after finding out about the abuse when I was four, were led to believe it would be less damaging for me if I continued to see him, and he 'promised he'd stop'. They were also quite invalidating of my experiences but again this was not their fault, as I strongly believe my mum was abused by him too during childhood.

I have felt rage and hate towards them over the years, but recently my mum has been wonderful - responsive, validating and caring. So my anger towards her is not as conscious to me as my immense love.

A problem may be that, they are the only people I really have in my life, and are my registered carers. They are going away to Egypt next week and so I will be left alone for a week. Maybe I'm angry about that, on some level?

I generally feel that my life is utterly pointless and empty. I believe that you have to put your own meaning into life, but feel unwilling to do this because I am so sure that I will fail, and don't feel I have the energy. I feel like, at heart I'm a weak and unpleasant person, even though on the surface I'm kind, warm, gentle and sociable. Sometimes I wonder if I have any insides or outsides at all.

Hey there,

yeah, wow, you have a lot to be angry about. I'm so glad your mom is responsive now though, unwilling parents hurt so much. I think the survivors of sbuse section will be a lot of help to you too.

Anger at the abandonment..I think you are very right there; you mentioned earlier feeling abandoned in a way because they let the abuse continue so long, so this trip they are taking is likely tapping into a lot for you.

"because I am so sure that I will fail, and don't feel I have the energy. I feel like, at heart I'm a weak and unpleasant person"

you know, I think that's how you were made to feel as a little kid when that happened to you, ya know? I'm sure at heart you are exactly the opposite of weak. I don't know how much I should go into cuz the subject can be really triggering; and I don't really know too much at the moment as well-that forum is awesome though.

You probabley have a lot of emotions that you can't figure out where they came from and stuff...can't remember, do you have a T? I think T's are good to have, I hope you've been able to talk about what you went through-a lot of your anger and pain comes from that. The fact that you are able to safley open up to your mom is so cool though, I'm glad you have that.

I hope you keep posting, and I also hope that the week you're alone
goes by quick, maybe even fun for you; I hope you are able to get some love and support yo. (((butterfly_wings)))

Take care,
-obj