[ECHOES]

http://www.guidetopsychology.com/bpd.htm

[Hopeful yet hurting]

woah, that one fits me like a glove.....I've been struggling with the acceptance of this new diagnosis...but through reading I'm starting to see... some of the bits and pieces that fit what I've struggled with my entire life that did not fit with the other diagnosis I've known.

[MDDBPDPTSD]

Some of this fits me very well, but other parts, not so much. Unless, of course, I am in denial. One can't be sure, can one?

I do like the fact that it points out the difference between selfless love & manipulative self-serving love. I get bogged down in this often. There is someone I love, sometimes selflessly, BUT when I give that love, it makes me feel good, so then I wonder if it is really selfless and not self-serving.
Anyway, that's a rabbit trail.

The rage of abandonment is a real thing. The pushing away others I definitely identify with. I am not angry that I am alone though. I am sad that I don't belong, but I like being alone. I am coming to accept that I do not and never will belong. It is late in life, I admit.

During my self imposed alone time I am learning to rely more on myself to take care of my needs. I feel less victimized by those who I think "should" be taking care of me, because there is no one in that role now.

I do not always do a good job taking care of me. That being said, I am doing a better job than most of those who I depended on to do so. In addition, there is much less stress in my life now. I am no longer constantly disappointed because that other person failed me.

I do not spend my time waiting for them to notice me, to want me, to approve of me, to love me. I do not grieve over every mistake that might have cost me their approval. There is no one here to blame for my anger, no one to lash out at, no one to villianize. It's just me.

That is helping me to own more of my thoughts, feelings & behavior. It isn't always comfortable, but I think it is growth.

I know it is quieter than having someone else here with me. I like the quiet. Sometimes I can almost hear myself.

Thanks for sharing the article.

[Flooded]

This dynamic explains why BPD clients are so dreaded by many psychotherapists. If the psychotherapists haven’t done their own psychological scrutiny to immunize themselves from from getting caught in the unconscious of their clients, those unwary psychotherapists will find that no matter how hard they work, no matter how much of an effort they make, it only takes one BPD client to make them feel like miserable failures.

This is what I was like with my previous t - the one I completely and utterly screwed over.

She told me she would never get over not being able to engage me as her patient. Looking back now, I am glad I was too much for her.

[krisakira]

That whole article fits me so well, and yet I have never been dx with BPD.

[wantstobe]

My parents loved me. I'm not sure I understand the entire article, but thanks for posting.

[PTSDlovemycats]

Echoes, Thanks so much for posting that. I can relate to that well.

I think it's an interesting article, but I'm always a bit dismayed when I read an article that states so firmly that BPD is caused by one thing. There are so many roads to the end point of this disorder. I think the author failed to factor in the critical genetic/biochemical component that has become such an important consideration of BPD.

I totally get the rage piece. I do think that is at the core of my emotional pain but over the years I learned very well how to hide that rage. And like many others I also found that I could "push people away" in order to survive. I didn't do it with rage, I just turned and walked away. I've learned to live with my aloneness and actually be more comfortable dealing with others on a very superficial level (less anxiety). I always kind of scratch my head at the description of people with BPD as always trying to get others to take care of them. Some of us are almost too good in the taking care of self department. I have trouble asking anyone else to borrow a cup of sugar LOL But that is also part of the illness--a narcissism or dysfunctional psuedo-independence. It's the thing that made it so difficult for me to engage in therapy when I started. I didn't want to ask ANYTHING Of my therapist because I was so worried about becoming dependent. . . . and then being disappointed. . . . and then probably the rage that the article talked about. . . although with me the rage has always been so hidden and denied. Tough road, huh, guys?

[wantstobe]

Jaybird's post made more sense to me. I never thought I was an angry person, but maybe that is denial. I guess I don't know what "rage" really means. My rage is all directed inward. It comes in the form of alcohol/drug abuse, cutting, going from one extreme to the other be it food, sex or whatever. I have NO IDEA what moderation is. It's all or nothing with me. I know I do have abandonment issues and I never ever want to be alone. I am afraid of growing old alone, so some of the choices I have made, have been really bad ones. I have been in several bad relationships, all of which resulted in the guy leaving me. I let them treat me like crap because I don't want to be left alone. I keep searching for that one man that can handle me, so I try and sabotage everything right out of the gate before I get attached to them because if they are going to leave, they should do it before I fall for them. I did this to my last boyfriend. I put that guy through hell. He put up with it for seven years. I'm lucky he even still talks to me. I love him so much and I am trying to get it through my head he doesn't want me. I wasted most of my 30's on this guy. Now I'm in my 40's and I don't want to look for anyone else. I don't understand why he won't just accept me the way I am and love me anyway. Sorry that turned into a big rant. I really don't have anyone to talk to about it, the friend I do talk to is sick to death of hearing it. Can't blame her. It should be so easy. It hurts. I'm trying to learn to not need anyone. If I am going to be alone and that's the way it is then I want to be happy with that.

[KeepHoldingOn]

Woah, that fits me so well!

[crazycanbegood]

this article needs to get out of my head!!

[MuchAfraid]

Thank you for the quote from Eat, Pray, Love. I needed that.

[Fuzzybear]

Thanks for posting that, Echoes!

[ECHOES]

(((fuzzy)))

[*Defeated*]

Originally Posted by Flooded

This is what I was like with my previous t - the one I completely and utterly screwed over.

She told me she would never get over not being able to engage me as her patient. Looking back now, I am glad I was too much for her.

Just out of curiosity, why does it make you feel good to have been too much for your previous therapist? I know that sounds accusatory but please know that is not my intention. I often feel the same way and am trying to understand the motivation behind it. Thanks.

[MDDBPDPTSD]

Originally Posted by ECHOES

http://www.guidetopsychology.com/bpd.htm

Good article. Thank you.
Sorry you identify with it, but know you are not alone. I do too. I have known the rage was there for a long time, but I fear it. I know that if I ever allow it out, more harm will come to more people. I do not want that. I do not want to be the one who harms others, so I try to keep the rage supressed. And I try to keep me isolated from all but my family. Even them sometimes.

[Flooded]

Originally Posted by *Defeated*

Just out of curiosity, why does it make you feel good to have been too much for your previous therapist? I know that sounds accusatory but please know that is not my intention. I often feel the same way and am trying to understand the motivation behind it. Thanks.

Previous t and I had a VERY complicated relationship. A heap of countertransferance going on...it was very messy.

I think I'm glad I was too tough for her because she I feel she didn't deserve to see me through my journey and she knew SFA about BPD and how I should be treated.