self-loathing

Is a constant feeling of hating myself and hating my life a symptom of bpd? I was diagnosed years ago but only recently have started researching the symptoms.

My husband hasn't been diagnosed yet but he always has symptoms of hating himself and I do think he fits the bill for bpd. He constantly self-deprecates himself. I'm sure it must be hard for you, I hope you're in counseling so you have someone to talk to.

it can be, at least for me. self loathing makes me do stupid things which in turn make me hate myself more. it's a vicious cycle. if you ever want to talk, feel free to PM.

Thank u, I do very stupid things a lot. I constantly repeat how much I hate myself and my life (in my head). Even when things are going good and I should be happy.

Yes it is, self esteem issues are a big symptom of bpd. I struggle with it daily. Some days are worse than others and put me in a deep depression. My husband doesn't get that sometimes, he'll say I have everything why am I not happy. You can't explain it even to yourself.

mysterymom,

I'm not sure that self-hate is an absolute symptom of BPD. Many with BPD, do struggle with self-hate, but not everyone. Some actually feel pretty good about themselves from time to time. The consistent state of not knowing yourself ~ who you really are inside is a more accurate description of the core problem.

For example, those with BPD tend to bounce from one relationship to another. We fear the idea of being alone. As a result, we often find ourselves in bad relationships. Stormy relationships, with lots of emotional battles ~ either stuffed inside of ourselves & let out through self-hate OR lots of I love you & I hate you's! Like riding in a boat on a very choppy river. Constantly up & down. We're exhausted, but don't know how to get out of the boat either.

Like the others here, I have BPD and have always struggled with self-hate and self-blame.

I took it upon myself as a very little girl to try and correct the problem that I saw in my life. That was my family. Lots of violent fights, angry words, abuse, etc. I viewed myself as the peacemaker. That was the job that I took on very early in life. Unfortunately, my efforts did not change the circumstances. And I blamed myself for that. I couldn't stand the fights ~ the hatred! And I took it as my fault for not being able to fix it.

As I got older, things got worse at home and I tried to escape more and more. I made the wrong decisions on where to go, which led to different types of abuse for me. A new pattern began, but the self-blame deepened as the hell continued in my life.

Hope that gives you a better understanding of the words.

I struggle with an extreme amount of self hate. I can't even stand looking at myself, I start crying. I hide it from everyone b/c it's annoying and not their problem. But everything is my fault. Everything. I live my life that way too. I won't shop at Wal-Mart, because then I'm a party to the horrible corporate ethic they have that hurts small American business, their employees and those who work for their overseas vendors - that's an example of what I do. When I do go to Wal-Mart, the theme of disappointment in myself is mild, I do my best to logically and rationally reason my way through my ridiculous thoughts, but it's a pervasive theme. I look in the mirror and just want to claw my own face off. When I was in high school I actually won an award for it! lol. I was always recognized for "trying so hard" and "never giving up" and being a perfectionist. In reality, I just hated myself so much, that the only way to feel even a little bit perfect was to find a way to be perfect. I'm 31 now, and it's getting worse.

(((LaLuuz)))

OMG ~ I could swear that you and I are identical twins or something!! I am exactly the same as your description of yourself. (except I'm 40 yrs old) I'm the same way with Wal-Mart for the very same reason. Perfectionism, and reasoning behind it, avoiding mirrors. Amazing!!

I am so sorry that you're struggling so much . You are not alone in your misery honey. Gentle hugs sent to you.

Self-loathing theme is quite an ubiquitous mind infestation. I have not been diagnosed with BPD, but I hate myself regardless. I have not even realized till recently that the way I feel about myself is nothing less of self-loathing, and that is why I can't do things I say I want to do, and will destroy any little gain I may have. I just hate myself. I lost some weight on my recent trip, came back and started gorging myself, till I was back to my disgusting obese body. Then I stopped: goal accomplished. And I could now hate myself not only for being fat but for having no self control. Heck I hate myself for hating myself.

I suspect it is not so much a symptom of, but a cause of a disorder. I don't believe it will go away when we take some pills. It is not merely a dark mood, but a fundational belief about world and self. It'd be like hoping that taking this or that pill would cure us of religion, or of atheism.

But I am not saying it is hopeless. It is not a belief based on truth, and if we really understand the thousands of lies we believe that add up to this self-loathing are just lies it's grip on us may lessen, and eventually be dissolved. Or maybe one day when we hate ourself so much our mind implodes we will see through the big LIE and be free (yup, it did happened to people!)

What I find is helping me with these issues is research: reading psychology books, journaling, and also listening to various motivational, self-improvement people like Wayne Dyer, Eckhart Tolle, Bashar, Byron Katie, Caroline Myss.

I wondered how Byron Katie's method would apply to this statement:
"I hate myself"

1. Is it true? Well yes, this is how I feel, this is how I act, these are the thoughts that go through my head.
2. Can I absolutely know that it is absolutely true?
Ok, so, I feel this, and I act, and I think these thoughts but do I really hate myself? Isn't there something else, quite the opposite, that seeks help, seeks escape, that is not self-hatred. So, no. I guess it is not absolutely true.
3. How am I when I have this thought?
Oh just horrible. I think such awful things about myself, my throughts chasing each other to come up with a better more hurtful insults, and I destroy everything that is good, and sabotage myself
4. How would I be if I did not have this thought
Wow! Just imagine! I would be so happy. I wouldn't be fighting with myself over every little thing, but just go with the flow. My life's circumstances wouldn't matter so much, because I could be happy regardless. I would not have to be so afraid anymore. Of course I would exercise, which really I do not dislike, not when I am doing it. And I would feed myself good nutritious food that help my health conditions, which I do know a lot about. I would not be afraid to do things, or express myself, or that people may judge me. I wouldn't be working the job that I despise, but following my heart. I wouldn't need to escape into video games or excessive tv watching. I would not be afraid of risk. I would not be so quick to interpret other people's actions and words as aimed against me. I wouldn't be so bitter and people would like spending time with me. The more I think about the clearer it is to me that I really, really do not WANT to hate myself anymore, and how much I yearn to have all these things is a proof that I really love myself (which raises a question, who is it that's doing all this self-hating)

Reversal?
Does the following sound as true or maybe even more true?
I don't hate myself.
I love myself.
Hmmm... does sound kinda true.

Ok. Here we go. Upside down and prefering the view.

p.s. I just started playing with Byron Katie's stuff, so I don't have the thing down pat, I believe she does deal with self-statements later in her course, and it may be better than what I have done here.

Mirrors and cameras are my most hated things ever. Someone once took a photo of me without my permission so I smashed the camera.
I loathe my own shadow.