[palemoss]

two days ago i went on a date with a guy i really liked for a year, i had so many hopes but he just talked about his ex-gf who he said he still loved and mentioned how he prefers blondes (ugh, i am brunette). i am glad i didn't just start balling or going in a rage in front of him, and instead kept my cool. but the date ended pretty lame - i just gave him a hug and we parted ways.

why do people do this others? i know he just wanted a quick lay. it's so pathetic. when will i ever meet a good man with decent character?

i came home after the date and binged after not eating for like 7 months. and yesterday i was feeling very suicidal. everything has sucked so much this year. i just wish someone would love me the way i would love them, because my love is so big and wonderful.

i am fearing the abandonment and even deliberated texting him about how the date went well and for the drinks he bought - but why?!? goodness gracious, the date didn't go well and i felt like crap and he is still so hung up on his gf. but i have this stupid lingering hope that it was all a delusion and that i can be the one to bring him out of his oblivious state as if "HEY! I'M THE BETTER CATCH HERE!"

but i won't. i am trying to keep it together and going to go back to therapy.

[shezbut]

palemoss,

Listen to you words. "When will I ever meet a good man with decent character?"

Would the man you're referring to happen to be the guy who was with another girl when you moved back to California, and you were disappointed and hurt that they hadn't already parted?

I sure hope not, palemoss. Because there have been warnings for months that he is not the right man for you. Believe me, I completely understand your loneliness and wish to have someone to hold you. It seems as though you are getting lots of signals that your heart really isn't ready for another relationship.

That means ~ you need to find other (healthier) ways to spend your extra time. Go to therapy. Pick up some new habits that are completely independent. Like: photography of nature, get a pet, exercise, artwork and/or listen or play music, etc.

Finding things that you are interested in isn't as easy as it may sound. Going back to looking for someone to fill the emptiness inside won't help. As you know, before much time passes that anxiety and same emotions are going to consume you again.

And that's why you need to find some completely independent interests. So you aren't putting off the inevitable in fear of losing the easier passage of time.

Gentle hugs to you, palemoss. I'm sorry that your date was so disappointing for you. You CAN do it ~ just keep trying!