[gashly]

I'm pushing forty now and it keeps coming back, this oppressive emptiness. I don't know what it is. I spend time with people and don't connect, I pretend to be interested, to keep them animated, keep them talking, keep things away from me, the empty, anything to not think or feel or get bored. Drinking doesn't numb it, just makes it stronger. I have no purpose, I feel unfulfilled, I feel like I don't fulfill a role in society, I have no one close to me, alien from family, people just seem strange and unreachable. I can't seem to be interested in anything, I'm not good at anything, memories and information I try to remember just slips theough my fingers. Half the time I feel like some preteen girl who never grew her emotions past grade school. I'm numb. I cry over something like a school girl.

I don't understand. Why can't I connect?

What is wrong with me?

[Perna]

You have to start with yourself; if you have no "fuel" from inside, you can't connect outside, it is like trying to drive a car in traffic with no gas.

You can't be good at anything if you don't do anything; all things worth being good at take time and effort and interest in something doesn't just appear automatically. Right now you are interested in making the big empty hole go away; I would find a therapist or go to the library and load up on books, see if I can't do a "Self" project to find out what might interest me and be worth pursuing.

Did you see the movie "Runaway Bride?" I love the part in there where Richard Gere points out to Julia Roberts that she doesn't even know what kind of eggs she likes for breakfast and, later in the movie, you see Julia with a huge table covered with eggs cooked 10 ways, trying each one so she will know her own preferences. You have to do that do know what you are interested in, you have to seriously look!

I found this book very helpful: http://wishcraft.com/

[porcupine2]

A good question to ask yourself is "if I had all the money in the world and there were no obstacles before me, what would I do with it?" YOur answer may surprise you, and you might just find what your passion is. At least it's a start??

[beauflow]

((Gashley)) you wrote how I feel at times, and I don't understand why i keep falling back in my "hole" as I call it at times.... I don't understand why at times, these voided feelings, emptiness, loneliness, as if something is wrong with me, alone, etc. keep to come back to haunt me another time if I every get out of it....

but I understand what you mean, the words that I read, I feel them too.

i am not sure how to stay out of my "hole" as I call it, how do I stay out if I get out...

hope you can find an answer, lots of good positive thoughts your way

[gashly]

I remember that exact same scene Perna! It blew my mind, because I realized that I didn't really know who I was or what I liked either! I think if I tried all the eggs I still wouldn't know, too many choices!

I am working with a therapist. I have done the self help thing and exploring.

I just want to understand what is wrong with me and be connected. I've watched other people become friends growing up and always wondered how they got there. Most of the time I just felt like everything had a sense of unreality. When I was talking to people I felt far away. I didn't know who I was, and didn't know why they were interested in talking to me. The replies I said and things I did didn't feel like they came from me, they came from some place far off.

I still don't understand what makes people "connect". You meet someone in a grocery store and bond? That whole intermediary process is a mystery to me.

The people I get close to, I get close to because they are needy and come after me. Eventually they either pass through that phase and move on, or the relationship becomes a rollercoaster mess that destroys everything. And I'm alone again.

I feel like a disaster full of shame because I should be different than I am.

[nicoleb2]

Gashly,
I really understand. For a long time, the only "friends" I had were superficial ones. Even now, I have only one close friend. We have been friends for less than a year, but we have become very close in that time and have both gone through our share of struggles.

I worry that I am clinging to much to her and relying on her for too much, but I have talked to her about it some.

Anyway, to make a long story short, I don't really know how to connect to people. This one just sort of happened all of a sudden. I wish I could offer you some wise words, but I have none.