[youwontknow]

Relapsing is a thought that never occurred to me.

I was diagnosed with BPD at 16, I think it was. I believed I developed it at 12. I was always in therapy and on meds but I didn't really start recovering until 20 and I feel I was recovered by 22. I am now 24.

I have been happy and healthy during this time.

The past week or two I have been having panic attacks. I have had urges to hurt myself. I have been binge eating almost daily and to the point of being incredibly sick. I haven't been sexually destructive as I am married. But I have gotten extremely angry with my husband over absolutely nothing. I suddenly hate my siblings. I don't want to leave the house because I am hideous and I don't want to deal with everyone staring at me, thinking how fat I am.

This has started suddenly and severely.

If I didn't have my daughter I know that I would be covered in cuts right now.

Has anyone else relapsed? Was it this extreme this quickly?

I'm scared. Not scared that I will hurt myself or anyone else but scared. Scared of losing what I've worked so hard for. Scared of losing any moment in my toddler's precious life because I am too busy crying.

I think if it weren't for her, no, I know if it weren't for her I would be checking myself into a hospital right now. And I've only been hospitalized inpatient once.

I am currently looking for a new Dr. I had non-mental health issues a couple years back and didn't have insurance at the time. So they just kicked my family out of the practice this week for overdue bills.

My insurance requires a physicians referral to see a psychologist. So I'm working on seeing someone again, its going to take a while.

I need help.

"I can't be myself and I don't want to talk. Now I'm taking the cure so I can be quiet whenever I want."

[NYCDoglvr]

I'm so very sorry for your distress and understand completely. What helps me keep the panic down is reeling my mind in and focusing only on today. I only have to get through today, I'm safe today, my husband loves me today. I've also found that when I project I'm always wrong, nothing turns out the way I thought it would. Take slow, deep breaths from your stomach. I have a mantra: "feelings aren't facts" -- just because I'm paranoid or angry does not mean I have a reason to be. You're right to put your focus on finding the right therapist, that's the only important thing right now. You'll come out of this fine and there's no way you'll loose the hard work you've put into recovery. It's also a good idea to post here, on a forum where others can offer support.

God bless!

[youwontknow]

Thank you so much. That really is great advice. I think I can handle one day at a time. I mean, I did get through it before. This just really caught me off guard.

I really appreciate the support.

"I can't be myself and I don't want to talk. Now I'm taking the cure so I can be quiet whenever I want."