[shipping]

This is my first post. I have been reading for about a week, and I like you people. For my introduction I will tell a brief story. And, for the most part I am a traditional bp but with one lucky exception: somehow I found a partner who has stuck with me since 1995. That information was necessary for telling the story. I like the color green. A long time ago, my partner and my then teenaged son were waiting for me when I got home. They were sitting together at the table looking serious and concerned. Usually they never spent time together, but on this occasion I was greeted by the two of them and they asked me to sit down so they could tell me something. To cut to the chase, they had unloaded the dishwasher and discovered that my green plastic plate had cracked. It was not a family heirloom; it was just my color. They felt they needed to tell me what had happened very carefully and with both of them there for support. Thinking back on this, I realize now that those close to me are on constant alert. They know the meaning of the phrase "walking on eggshells" all too well. Yes, I guess one could say I have bpd. Flash forward to 2012. I am seeking help in the middle of the night because, after about a year of "remission" with the help of a great therapist, I have had several new diagnoses that have sent me into a severely depressed relapse. One of the new problems is chronic severe pain, and my doctors have so far not made progress into the cause or the treatment. One thing that has always been a lifesaver for me is that I am lucky. I am lucky to have a long-term partner who endures the way I treat him, and I am lucky that I have a job I love dearly. Now the job is in jeopardy because I am in so much pain that I can't do my work. Physical pain in several parts of my body--mostly my feet, head, and hands--that is so severe I can't think. I am typing with the two fingers that hurt the least. I am supposed to be writing an assignment for my students at the university. Before this new semester began, I was supposed to be writing a syllabus. Instead, I spent time on the computer reading about the lives of the members of this community. I am in so much physical pain that I lashed out at my therapist and regressed to clinging behaviors with her; of course now I am certain she hates me and is going to kick me out of therapy when she gets back from vacation. My doctors can't solve this so they hate to see me coming and refer me to other doctors. I go to teach my classes but I hobble in pain in the corridors and I am behind already on writing their assignments and planning class lectures. I hurt so badly that I cannot focus on writing a simple assignment and I stay up almost all night trying. If the doctors can't figure this out and treat it soon, I may lose or have to give up my job. There are three things that make life worth living for me; my job is one of those three. If I can no longer do my job I don't know what will become of me. In September I was diagnosed with a progressive eye disease that will lead to blindness. Even that didn't stop me from teaching and enjoying my job and doing it well. With the blindness prognosis, I still had hope, and I brainstormed ways that I could continue to do my job despite the handicap. But this terrible, agonizing pain has just about got me beat. I have been depressed since I was 7; began the SI when I was 10. I am 48 now, so that means I have survived a lot. I was feeling a little confident that I was strong and could survive just about anything. But this constant and torturous pain is insane. Nothing helps it--medication, ignoring it, exercise, etc. And people get tired of the whining, you know? So I feel I am losing my support system; they have been good to me but now are at a loss, and tired of me. It must seem to them that helping and supporting me is fruitless so I don't blame them. I don't know what to do, and I don't have an assignment prepared for tomorrow, and I can't get up early to do it because that is when my vision is the worst and my R.A. is worse in the mornings, too. I have multiple chronic conditions, and R.A. is painful enough and this new pain is ridiculous. I don't know if anyone here can help me, and it's OK if you can't or don't want to. I just thought I might feel better from reaching out to strangers since those who know me are burnt out. Thanks.

[Towanda]

First of all Shipping, Welcome to Psych Central. The people here are wonderful and will hopefully rally around with some answers, courage and support. I am Bipolar and BPD and they have been wonderful to me with my questions and concerns.
Reading over your letter I am struck by the amount of adversity you have been through, how strong you are and how you continue to struggle in spite of everything that has been thrown your way. What a wonderful example you are to other people! I dont think you're whining at all. The pain of RA is nothing to whine about. How are your doctors treating it - with medications? If so, are they giving you any relief at all? There are meds that will at least lessen the severity of the pain.
I know how you feel regarding your career. I used to be a nurse - i loved it, and it was my life outside of my family. Because of my mental health issues. I had to stop working on medical floors, which was my specialty (stroke, emergency). I am now back in school for psychology, hoping to return to nursing when I graduate as a psych nurse. My meds keep me stable. But I've developed a severe condition in my hands that causes contractures that may keep me from ever returning - docs cant figure out what is wrong. So I kinda know how you feel.
My only advice? You sound like an incredibly strong optimistic person who has thought out multiple options. Don't let go of that and let depression take hold, because that will drag you down very fast. Keep ahold of your determination as far as your dreams and your life and career is concerned. You sound like you can do anything you put your mind to.
As far as whining is concerned, I'm sure that's not how your family and friends look at it. If you feel like you're whining, come here and post, or join the chat line. The chat rooms are great for letting off steam. The people there are really friendly, concerned, helpful, will talk about anything and give virtual hugs when people need to whine or are in pain.They're also very patient with slow typists as alot of people in the chat rooms also have physical problems. So come chat.
Feel free to get in touch if you need to. Best of luck and lots of hugs!

[athena2011]

Hi Shipping,
I'm so sorry you are having to endure all this. I had pretty severe chronic pain since the birth of my last child, age 7 now. It started off in my lower back then shifted to upper back, shoulders, neck and arms. It is quite a bit better now. I will tell you what I did and you can decide what if anything, you want to try from my list:

I read many books and several internet articles on chronic pain. The best of these was written by a medical doctor who was bedridden with chronic pain. He was so shocked by the lack of empathy from the various 'pain experts' he saw, including a 'take an aspirin' brush off from a renowned doctor. This prompted him to interview a bunch of people and compile a book of his findings. The number one lesson: Stop doing what's not working. Number two - find out what type of specialists are most likely to help you. A couple that stood out in general for lasting relief - Naturopaths and Psychotherapists. For me, the worst of my pain was myofascial (muscles that will not relax, even in sleep). Physiatrists are recommended for that - they gave me trigger point injections - that helped quite a bit. I saw several kinesiologists (basically highly trained personal trainers at a small gym, not a big corporate money grabbing machine type of gym where lesser trained people tend to work). I saw a Naturopath - he's been excellent at identifying problems with what I eat. First recommendations - cut out all common allergy causing foods, such as wheat and dairy and peanuts. That has been very helpful with my digestive system, which is in turn allowing nutrients to get to the tissues that need them. I think this is hugely important.

My circulation is poor so I worked on getting the blood moving with a high intensity exercise - I started off swimming then progressed to high intensity working out and then running. I have found a noticeable drop in pain when I run consistently. For me, keeping the blood flowing is critical (I have Raynauds syndrome in my hands).

I drop any drug that causes pain (a tricyclic I tried made me feel arthritic within three days). I drop any drug that causes weight gain (obviously mucking up my digestion - which means nutrients aren't getting where they need to go).

I also have a EMF masking device on my computer (electromagnetic force) because EMF's are a suspected common cause of Fibromyalgia, which is what I was originally diagnosed with.

So on a final note - be your own doctor - get to know your body, what it likes, what it doesn't like. You spend more time with it than anybody. Read, read, read. Let your mind wander - imagine what it is that is causing the pain. For me, nutrients not getting to the tissues makes sense because I'm so lethargic all the time, I'm hypersensitive to cold, my muscles and joints ache and sometimes it feels like effort to breathe. So - circulation and diet were top on my list.

Welcome to PC, I hope we can help you through this.

[shipping]

Thank you both so much! I have been almost totally incapacitated from the first week of the new semester. I have slept the past two days. But I did read your responses at some point this past week and I needed to think and research the advice I was given. athena2011 and Towanda, I am so grateful to you for responding. I felt so relieved to hear all you had to say; I was in tears. The symptoms and disorders I described were just a drop in the bucket because I didn't want to overwhelm everyone with all the problems I have. I will address the advice about exercise: I have maintained an exercise (gym) program successfully for the past year--the first time I maintained fitness for that long. And then in the fall of 2011 it all fell apart despite my efforts. The first 2/3 of 2011 was the healthiest I have been in a long time. My T and I were beginning to wean down my sessions and I had good control of my diabetes when suddenly I began having trouble seeing. In October I was diagnosed with diabetic retinopathy, for which there is no cure and only partial management, so I am facing blindness in my future. I kept on managing my health and had a positive attitude; I thought I was handling it well. Everyone thought so. Then my pain from degenerative disc disease flared up and I could barely walk so I quit going to the gym but continued my job and eating well. I couldn't see very well, but my students were patient and I got through the semester until finals week when I developed sudden and severe dry eye and a visible eye hemorrhage. I got a colleague to cover my finals and I somehow got through grading them all. But the visual problems (we think) led me to develop a very pronounced tic. So I got new glasses that cost 1000 dollars and are not covered by insurance. The vision correction helped the tic somewhat, but was not the miracle cure we were all hoping for. Then I developed problems with my balance. During all of this, my T became frustrated with me and even told me that she wasn't making eye contact because my tic was too distracting. I was mortified and felt so rejected, and you know as someone with bpd it does not take much for me to feel rejected so this was awful. I have not seen her since that session because she has been out of town. I am not sure what is in store for my relationship with her. I am afraid about that, and I had to start the new semester with a lurching walk and a tic! New students who don't know me and I must appear so bizarre, and I can't be engaging or enthusiastic when I lecture because it takes all my facial energy to hold back the tic. I am waiting to see a neurologist, of course, but can't get in until February. Meanwhile I am in terrible pain from my neuropathy and RA, and my T hates me and she is the person who led me to have this super year last year and I was almost in remission from my bpd for the first time in my life. Now she is letting me down when I need her most, so I turned to the internet and found psychcentral. It has helped me so much to read posts from people and to be able to recognize the exact feelings they express as things I have felt or am feeling. Somehow it makes me feel less insane. I have just today discovered that if I wear sunglasses in my house I can actually see better and it helps my balance and my tic to calm down. This is a wonderful discovery! I will be sure to make a list of all these things to tell the neurologist when I see him next month. I am really afraid of not being able to do my job because I love it, I know I am great at it and my students all give me so much love in the class room that I get endorphins that help with the pain--at least, last semester. This new semester with new students and I look so monstrous; I don't know what they think. But I love this site and I am so grateful to you all for telling your stories, and to Towanda and athena2011 for writing back to my post. One of you mentioned that I am strong and have survived a lot. This is very true. I earned a Ph.D. while raising my son by myself and suffering from diabetes and bpd and extreme anxiety and I was turned in to child welfare by someone who said I was too depressed to take care of my child and he was being neglected. I fought through all of that and kept on going somehow. I don't know how, except that my son and my students are all very tender toward me and patient with me. I don't know why I deserve that, but it has been there in the past and sometimes it is the only thing that keeps me going. Thank you all for being here and for reading this, and for your encouraging remarks and stories. I will try to be on for the bpd chat on Monday.