I function best in ways I don't understand

...who beat me to it?
when was I expected to catch up to my own life!?

I did not...I repeat...did not decide to be wise....I do not consider that I am wise.....only a really foolish fool knows it's wise to admit to being a fool, therefore any wisdom is by chance!
I mean, a kid and wisdom?

maybe this might make sense.?

...but a kid forced beyond the regular fun stuff, to perform feats of mental strength. I'm sure you all know about it.
and kids everywhere throughout history are toughened up before their time...so I'm thinkin' we are just supersensitive very caring people to begin with. Like a species of ultra lovables get outa' my damn way type people. protective and real and seriously outnumbered!!

my memories as a boy involve alot of fear and way too much contemplation...I made decisions before I even knew I had made them....I wound up in lots of trouble. this never changed...daydreaming was my favourite thing , this world is crap!!..who are these 'other' people but I sure need them so they must be right!
when did I decide that? my level of contemplation exceeded my abilities.

something was going on inside me, I started off having fun...what a terror! then I got aware of painfull things...and no ammount of fun could solve it and I detonated as a teenager.

....and the rest is just a series of lucky to arrive at birthdays.
there is daylight that burns my eyes to become nightlight that comforts
there is creativity that explodes and innactivity that implodes
there is compassion that heals and dispassion that feels
there is insight that flies and stupidity that lies
there is friendship with all things natural...and there are enemies everywhere else?
there is frustration with society...forgiveness and propriety
there is instinctive awareness...what is right and wrong and how to get along
there is painful self neglect and there is comforting self respect
there is wholesale rejection from some I trusted
and ridiculous tension with a few I busted
there is damage control and falling down the hole
there is emergency and even more urgency
there is solitude and panicked ineptitude then company love shared and gratitude
there is random peace following stress release
there is much fear and even less to endear when abandonment is near
there is empty overconfidence and overloaded incompetence
there is a crying face and a laughing face and no face at all
there is no direction and mis-directed what direction?
there are many questions and few answers and I don't like them much
and such and such!
there is responsibility to survive
and there is survival!

I did not write this deliberately....I feel better though...yep
I function best in ways I don't understand

i can truly relate to what you have posted i too was raised in fear forced to make decisions that i did not know how to make or even knew that i made them you are so phylosofigal its spelled wrong because i cant think in the am anyway i am very happy to know you and share thoughts and feelings with u forever here for you iris

I'm going through the same thing right now with my BPD and Bipolar...I now feel as though...even when i'm "better" I'm not! LOL It takes me coming back to here to learn more and more and more about myself and my 'issues' Sigh...it's like a never ending wheel of learning and frustration right now. But I come back with a lot of it sorted out....now I'm in fine tuning...hopefully!!

James, you're a gifted writer and soul, and I love you.