my DBT therapist has organized an admission for me for after I see her tomorrow. she knows how suicidal I am and that I will be more at risk from tomorrow as my friend who's been staying with me is going home.

my mum is really angry about the idea and shuts down whenever I talk about it.

my cousin I live with seems okay about it but would prefer if I didn't go in.

me, well I have no idea. my friend was meant to leave today and then I would have some time to work out how I'm feeling and if I thought I needed it. but her flight got canceled and now she doesn't leave till tomorrow. so I won't have the time to work it out.

I had wanted to be able to clean up and wash her sheets and stuff because if I don't do it as soon as she leaves my cousin will do it and then be shity that I didn't do it. but I have to take her to the airport early and then straight to the clinic so I won't have time.

I don't know what to do.

I just need some me time to work out if I need to go in or not.

I just feel so out of control.

there's part of me that just thinks I should say no to going in and then just deal with what happens. but there's another part of me that thinks I should go in.

I have no idea what to do.

I'm freaking out.

hey there TheQuietonexx.

I must say you do sound so much better than at other times.

Is this perhaps because you know that you have the option to go in now...and it's really soon and you will be cared for and safe.?
I know I would be feeling very secure as I have done in the past when I know I am going to get some help....

Can you just like go in and talk to them about what you are describing here...that you feel like you need some you time to balance your thoughts...maybe you can do that while you are there ...(I know that sounds a bit silly).."I don't know if I want to come here but can I decide while I am here?"

......and send all the sheets and stuff down here to Australia, we will wash it up for ya!

if I were you TheQuietOnexx...I would go in, take advantage of the opportunity, trust the T making an admission, it will be ok....and let us know how you are going.

thanks for replying.

I think that right at this moment I am doing okay.

the reason the admission was organized is because I feel like I'm just holding it together while my friends here and that I'll fall apart as soon as she leaves. I have to hold it together while she's here cuz I can't loose her as a friend.

I feel like I'm hanging by a thread.

it's almost as though I feel okay because I know soon (when she leaves) it won't matter. everything will be over.

I spent like $500 today on **** I didn't need. but it doesn't matter. I don't care.

I called the crisis team and she suggested I wait till my appt tomorrow to decide. it makes sense. I'm pretty sure that going to the appt means hospital because my therapist will put me in. I was going to try and write down what's been happening to show her but idk.

I'm thinking I should not even go to the appt. she can't do anything then.

once I'm in they never let me out till they decide.

I just want to take them then curl up with my cat and then everything will be fine.

I think I'm crazy. but that doesn't matter because it makes me feel safe knowing they understand.

numb. empty.

whatever.

Originally Posted by TheQuietOnexx

thanks for replying.

I think that right at this moment I am doing okay.

the reason the admission was organized is because I feel like I'm just holding it together while my friends here and that I'll fall apart as soon as she leaves. I have to hold it together while she's here cuz I can't loose her as a friend.

I feel like I'm hanging by a thread.

it's almost as though I feel okay because I know soon (when she leaves) it won't matter. everything will be over.

I spent like $500 today on **** I didn't need. but it doesn't matter. I don't care.

I called the crisis team and she suggested I wait till my appt tomorrow to decide. it makes sense. I'm pretty sure that going to the appt means hospital because my therapist will put me in. I was going to try and write down what's been happening to show her but idk.

I'm thinking I should not even go to the appt. she can't do anything then.

once I'm in they never let me out till they decide.

I just want to take them then curl up with my cat and then everything will be fine.

I think I'm crazy. but that doesn't matter because it makes me feel safe knowing they understand.

numb. empty.

whatever.

seems you have pressures from others, mum and your cousin that doesn't help. This is for you....and only you, or... this isn't for you...and only you.

I'm not gonna go on about the "your friend likes you anyway bit"...because we don't know how to trust those things hey?...even when it's true!
I was going to ask if they decide when you can leave...no doubt you are worried about that but it's really not important today QuietOne. it's not.

What did you mean "take them and curl up with the cat?"..I hope it's not what it sounds like!!...please? I hope I mis-understand what you wrote there?

You spoke about this situation with your friend coming up some days ago now...and the time has come and you have every right to be nervous and feel all over the place.

This admission is not being arranged because you are crazy. It is purely to offer support and a safe place for you during this time in your life...please go to the appointment QuietOne. I have skipped out on many such appointments and just ended up needing more serious ones later on...

sometimes it's good to buy **** you don't need because then you can't get dis-appointed when ya don't know what the heck to do with it!!

I think you know what I meant about curling up with the cat..

I know I need to do it for me. but I don't want to fight with my family.

I know I shouldn't skip the appt.

I'm just so scared that I'll go in and stay safe but then nothing will get any better. I can't cope with nothing getting better.

the dr the other day sounded like she thought nothing would ever get better.

I'm not sure I can take it.

I am crazy. the voices. the laughing.

I don't want to do this. it needs to end. or it all will.

thankyou for replying, it means alot.

Originally Posted by TheQuietOnexx

I think you know what I meant about curling up with the cat..

I know I need to do it for me. but I don't want to fight with my family.

I know I shouldn't skip the appt.

I'm just so scared that I'll go in and stay safe but then nothing will get any better. I can't cope with nothing getting better.

the dr the other day sounded like she thought nothing would ever get better.

I'm not sure I can take it.

I am crazy. the voices. the laughing.

I don't want to do this. it needs to end. or it all will.

thankyou for replying, it means alot.

you have alot of insight when it comes to what you go through I can tell ...and that fear?....yeh I know that one well. Like it's over before it even begins, and I already feel helpless...how am I going to cope with feeling hopeless as well? and I don't expect I will cope anyway.
ouch!!

I am glad you decided to share this stuff because it's not necessarily about getting advice or solving problems QuietOne....it's more about just connecting with someone who gets it.
I am proof that things can and will get better...it's hard as hell my friend and you are winning even though it doesn't seem like it from inside!
I had a T that I respected alot...and when I was at my wits end which was often...he would just say to me
"mate,...all you have to do right now is survive...nothing else, can you do that?"
...and I would just say after a little bit..."well yeah, I can do that I reckon".

it has been good to chat with you
and as far as me replying QuietOne...
you are welcome
J

yeah I'm glad to have been able to talk to you.

I'm here if you ever need to talk.

I'm going to try make it too the appt. and try to write some stuff down for her too read. not sure either will happen but I'll try.

....

thats really good QuietOne, a half a plan is still a plan...very cool.

I would not hesitate talking about my stuff with you...I know you have alot to offer...thats also very cool....

thankyou
J

so I went. told the truth. was going to go in but then she rang up the bed manager, there are no beds. even though my T had organized a few days ago for me to go in.

she said I could go to ED until a bed came up but I refused cuz I always end up under the mental health act and fighting with the nurses in ED cuz I hate being there.

so I came home after T called my cousins to tell them what was going on and called crisis team who have to keep accessing if I need to go to ED even though I don't want to.

there might be a bed tomorrow. I'm meant to call T to discuss it.

but why? if I make it through tonight then I must be okay. I must not need to go in cuz I can keep myself safe.

T told the crisis team I am "in crisis" what does that mean? I'm suicidal? well yeah but I almost did it this morning but I didnt so I must be okay.

she wanted me to pick an option. I pick option 3. staying home and whatever happens happens and I don't care. even if this option leads to option 4 (suicide).

I showed her some writing but it made no sense.

our session went over and a girl from my DBT group was waiting to see T after me and she was so grumpy that she didn't go in right on time. then she gave me the worst look when I came out. I hate that I took up Ts time with someone else. I don't deserve it.

I don't know what to do.
aboutt hospital
about talking to T
about all the **** with my phone being hacked
about school starting soon
about anything.

I just want it to be over.

the voices are here worse than ever but they comfort me. help me feel less alone. let me see there is a way out. they understand.

maybe this is what I'm meant to do. how it's meant to end.
fate.

Originally Posted by TheQuietOnexx

so I went. told the truth. was going to go in but then she rang up the bed manager, there are no beds. even though my T had organized a few days ago for me to go in.

she said I could go to ED until a bed came up but I refused cuz I always end up under the mental health act and fighting with the nurses in ED cuz I hate being there.

so I came home after T called my cousins to tell them what was going on and called crisis team who have to keep accessing if I need to go to ED even though I don't want to.

there might be a bed tomorrow. I'm meant to call T to discuss it.

but why? if I make it through tonight then I must be okay. I must not need to go in cuz I can keep myself safe.

T told the crisis team I am "in crisis" what does that mean? I'm suicidal? well yeah but I almost did it this morning but I didnt so I must be okay.

she wanted me to pick an option. I pick option 3. staying home and whatever happens happens and I don't care. even if this option leads to option 4 (suicide).

I showed her some writing but it made no sense.

our session went over and a girl from my DBT group was waiting to see T after me and she was so grumpy that she didn't go in right on time. then she gave me the worst look when I came out. I hate that I took up Ts time with someone else. I don't deserve it.

I don't know what to do.
aboutt hospital
about talking to T
about all the **** with my phone being hacked
about school starting soon
about anything.

I just want it to be over.

the voices are here worse than ever but they comfort me. help me feel less alone. let me see there is a way out. they understand.

maybe this is what I'm meant to do. how it's meant to end.
fate.

hey there QuietOne....you made it back.
thats great and I'm happy about that.
apart from that, we have something in common at the moment...My head is all screwball messed up as well and I've been having to keep myself behaved or controlled or whatever it's called.
I will put me aside for a bit though...I think I am past the worst of it....?
but you seem to have gotten worse poor thing!...you are really copping it at the moment huh?
ED sux...I don't believe it's suitable for us unless it absolutely cannot be avoided. I hope thats not gonna' happen QuietOne. thats weird about the beds?....nothing you can do about that...but the ED in the meantime makes things worse from my experience...I am the same, cause trouble and get detained, shackled and sedated and it's awful! I end up trying to escape so I can get back to my bed and be left alone!...I say, do anything to get out of ED.

You are worth every minute of T time...during and especially after if it's necessary...and the girl after you is worth it to and probably went over and the next person ...but thats how it goes yep. T might have felt bad for not comin' up with the bed as promised and gave you extra and thats good but the bad look kinda undoes it all hey....it's like ya gotta go straight back in to sort that out?...
And you met your side of the 'deal'...you went to the appointment...so you did awesome considering how you feel!

Sorry QuietOne I feel all over the place and manic...not making much sense in my mind...but it's great you are still talking....hang in there ...I must do the same...I hope the voices keep you comforted.
it's a mad life mate, and it's going to be ok.
J

I'm sorry your struggling.

I'm so tired but it's 4.20am and I can't sleep. music is the only thing keeping me from loosing it, I've had my iPod dock on since 5pm.

I think I've decided what to do.. I'm not calling T. I'll just go to the group I'm meant to go to tomorrow then I'll come home and just see what happens. I don't care how it ends.

my friend was saying she was proud of me for knowing when I needed help yesterday. I guess I just won't talk to her tomorrow either.

numb. empty. dead.
"has no one told you she's not breathing"

[Forgive77]

Are the voices comforting....or are they telling you to leave the earth????!!! You gotta go in if it's the latter. Clearly I'm not in the same country...Just remember that girl is BPD too, and who knows what set her off. LOL It could have been the color of your socks!!!!

they comfort me because they are helping me make all of this end.

I think I'm going to call T and tell her that I don't want crisis team support anymore. I need to do this.

nothing makes sense. I'm dead inside. numb. empty.

too many thoughts and voices. SHUT UP!

I'm going to try and eat breakfast and then I'll call her.

T called
me before I could call her to tell her I didn't want crisis team help.

she wouldn't listen. so now I'm in ED.

I so don't want to be here.

I hate ED and I always end up trying to leave. luckily I have my iPod which is helping a bit.

I just want to go and do it.

Originally Posted by TheQuietOnexx

T called
me before I could call her to tell her I didn't want crisis team help.

she wouldn't listen. so now I'm in ED.

I so don't want to be here.

I hate ED and I always end up trying to leave. luckily I have my iPod which is helping a bit.

I just want to go and do it.

QuietOne....I'm sorry I wasn't about the place earlier...had stuff to do and don't have a really cool phone or anything.

thankyou so much for hanging on and holding it together even if it's barely just a little bit.

I was worried about your voices ...saying things that are soothing but not really for your best interests.

I am also pleased you have a T that won't give up!! and some of that is rubbing off on you. I believe you need the ED at the moment... those voices have been really worrying me QuietOne. I expect it is hard to be there but I also want you to get some care and be better and get through this and thats the truth.

You have done brilliantly so far considering and I mean that ...you are a tough girl....

thanks for keeping us knowing how you are.
James

just as I knew it would if I came to ED.. I freaked out badly massive panic attack. the dr calmed me down then gave me some time to think. then I tried to get him to let me go without him phoning anyone to tell them I'd gone. but he knew my plan cuz he's the dr I always see here. so now I'm under the MH act. there's no beds so I'm stuck in ED till something comes up, and he said I might have to go to a different hospital.

I feel awful. I just want to go and do it.

Originally Posted by TheQuietOnexx

just as I knew it would if I came to ED.. I freaked out badly massive panic attack. the dr calmed me down then gave me some time to think. then I tried to get him to let me go without him phoning anyone to tell them I'd gone. but he knew my plan cuz he's the dr I always see here. so now I'm under the MH act. there's no beds so I'm stuck in ED till something comes up, and he said I might have to go to a different hospital.

I feel awful. I just want to go and do it.

isn't it awesome being so well known in the ED?...that could be your next entry in the "you know you are borderline when...."

I think we both knew that was going to happen...everytime I have been in the ED it's because I want to end it...get it done...and I believe you QuietOne, thats what you want to do to, end it and get it done, and thats why we end up in ED and thats why you are there now....and thats why we have the panic attacks and thats why you just did!

It's a horribly upsetting mind blowing experience QuietOne and just imagine how amazing you really are being able to go through it...cos it's not your fault, none of it! something doesn't quite work too good inside you. same with me. I was in ED 5 weeks ago....it's always just as bad everytime but I go there to survive! it's happened so often that I tell the staff (who know me as well)...I tell them when the panic is coming so they can prepare the guards. it's crazy...I'm crazy like that...but it's not my fault kinda crazy and this is not your fault kinda crazy either.

and the worse thing they could do was hide me away in a corner somewhere...I hope they don't do that with you unless you prefer it?
yeh at least you got the i-pod.

I would try and get by watching all the casualties coming through the ED..imagine I was them instead of me...but the panic would always come and I would wake up tied to the bed with bruises and quite sore hours later and under the mental health act. luckily I could recover quick and get home after a bit.

but it's all about survival yep...and you obviously have a pretty damn good survival instinct QuietOne...I'll tell ya what crazy feels like and I'm sure you know...it's wanting to die but keep on living at the same time. aaaah!! I just know there are things you want in your life apart from what you want right now...you might not get all of those things like the rest of us, but you will definitely get a few of the best ones you want.

it's worth all the crap just to get through all the crap sometimes ...

got admitted.

less than 24hrs later I'm waiting to be picked up cuz I'm discharged. ha.

whatever.

..wow, I don't know what ta say??

which is a good thing I reckon cos I say tooo much all the time..aaah!

...what a strange adventure that was QuietOne. (I'm sure you would call it something else)

you got through it...cool! and with a bit of attitude as well...very cool!!

it's simple. the weekend dr thinks I'm an attention seeker. so it doesn't matter how unsafe I'm feeling.

but I don't care.

everyone wants me to go home so that's what's happening and I've warned them what could happen and probably would.

but whatever.

yesterday i was talking to my friend and she's trying to find ways for me to stay safe, i did try and listen to her but i feel awful because i know i'm going to do something.

the crisis team called me this morning on a blocked number so i answered, but i said i was okay, gave one word answers, couldn't give away how much i am struggling.

my cousins are both home today which means they are going to try and get me out of the house doing something active, which i can't face right now.

the crisis team are going to get T to call me tomorrow cuz i said i didn't know when my appt with her was. i don't want to talk to her cuz she'll know that i'm not okay.

maybe i should just get it over with.. do it today. all thats stopping me is that i'm terrified i will screw it up again, and i can't deal with everything that happens after.

i don't know what to do. i am so overwhelmed.

i know that i should either talk to my friend or the crisis team.. but i don't want to worry my friend because i don't think i'll be able to stay safe and the crisis team will just make me go back to hospital which i can't take.

so i guess thats why i'm posting on here.. the more i look at it the more i think it's the best option, the only option.

[Forgive77]

Look. I'm there right now myself. Logically I know setting my hands on fire is not a good idea...so I'm going to go hold ice. If it takes 5 - 10 times...it just does...maybe you should go try that. It might switch your brain a bit....to just make it to the next day.

Originally Posted by TheQuietOnexx

yesterday i was talking to my friend and she's trying to find ways for me to stay safe, i did try and listen to her but i feel awful because i know i'm going to do something.

the crisis team called me this morning on a blocked number so i answered, but i said i was okay, gave one word answers, couldn't give away how much i am struggling.

my cousins are both home today which means they are going to try and get me out of the house doing something active, which i can't face right now.

the crisis team are going to get T to call me tomorrow cuz i said i didn't know when my appt with her was. i don't want to talk to her cuz she'll know that i'm not okay.

maybe i should just get it over with.. do it today. all thats stopping me is that i'm terrified i will screw it up again, and i can't deal with everything that happens after.

i don't know what to do. i am so overwhelmed.

i know that i should either talk to my friend or the crisis team.. but i don't want to worry my friend because i don't think i'll be able to stay safe and the crisis team will just make me go back to hospital which i can't take.

so i guess thats why i'm posting on here.. the more i look at it the more i think it's the best option, the only option.

damn it I had to write this twice cos the damn computer!!!..
QuietOne ...you are killing me here!....

I am ....nah screw that!...look mate...I know what you are feeling....everything except the part where you are making me feel flippin' useless.
now listen to me girl..!!

YOU are going to stay ALIVE alright!!...
if you go do something stupid I am gonna come and kick your ***!
you are making it very hard for me.

I don't want to hear from you unless you have something better to say ok...it's outright insensitive of me to say but you are not caring for me at the moment.!!...I have stuck with you every step of the way....so how bout' you meet me half way huh?
I am tough...real tough but I have my limits....no more nice guy unless you meet me half way...James xo

...i don't pay attention to many people QuietONe....hardly anybody!

you have got my attention and not because you are making threats but because the things you say ar like coming out of my own damn mouth.

if you let me down mate!...I will be VERY damn it upset...and I don't do upset real good Ok.

now....girly...I made it through what you are goin' through so follow me... OK...
I don't want to hear any more kill myself **** OK!!

I know suffering is crap!!...I cannot say magic to make it go away....no-one said magic for me I just sat it out!! and said screw you lot!

you think I'm doing this just to piss you off? I'm trying my hardest. but whatever. I knew I shouldn't have posted. it was a mistake.

right now I am trying as hard as I can to not do anything. but I'm sorry if my hardest isn't good enough for you.