has no one told you she's not breathing..

i am stressing out.. i am really suicidal at the moment and got admitted friday night for less than 24hours. i'm home and feel awful and unsafe. i can't go back to ED because everyone there knows me and thinks that i am an attention seeker.. maybe i am?.. i don't think i can face going back to DBT because it just takes too much energy and effort which right now i do not have.

i don't even know if i want the help to stay alive.. maybe i just need a chance to act and then it'll be over.

nothing is making any sense in my head.

a friend suggested i call my private psych who i get on with better for an appointment ASAP because i'm not meant to see her until the 31st Jan. i don't know if i can though because i know she has a duty of care and i cannot cope ending up back in hospital because it doesn't help because they think i'm attention seeking. and then she'll tell my DBT T who "can't help me if i'm not able to commit to a safety plan" so whats the point there?

the one dr who i don't think thinks i'm attention seeking said that i was a lot better than when i first moved here. yeah thats true but it doesn't mean that i am okay, it doesn't mean i won't carry through with this. because i feel like i am slipping back to where i was then, with the thoughts at least, but i'm sure the actions will follow.

people tell me not to listen to the voices, but they make so much sense. and they have the control, the images are back because of them.

i feel completely empty. numb. overwhelmed. i don't know what to do.

i am alive for other people, not for me. and even that is getting harder to hold onto.

everyday there is a barrier, a big barrier. i am trapped.

i know i post too much i'm sorry. i'm just running out of options.

don't have to be sorry R...I post alot when I am at the edge.
nuthin' to lose...it's free and crazy people like me are here

thanks..

is ok matey...
everything you say makes sense to me...
it is truthful....it is raw, and it is your life you are sharing
there is no shame
sometimes we have to share about our un-life....
to find out maybe whats the real life?

I am an attention seeker....and it's not a bad thing

there are 2 things that are shunned in this world.

self pity
attention seeking

I am allowed to feel sorry for me cos my life hurts!
I need attention cos I am alone with this pain.

yeah that makes sense.

every time you reply I am happy..

geez I am selfish!!

aint it funny how it all works out ...

I just talked with a close friend. I'm going to TRY and call my private psych to get an appt.

.....ok

cool

her receptionist said she was fully booked until next monday, my appt that was already booked is Tuesday so there's no point changing it..

really freaking out, no idea what to do.

ok then...

looks like we will have to freak out together!

Sorry that you are having a hard time at the moment - those thoughts can feel powerful, but they are just thoughts, they don't have to control what you do.

I have always hated the term "attention seeking" what does it really mean? I think it is purely highlighting the unmet needs someone has, so to me "need seeking behaviour" is a better phrase.

Let us know how you are doing - keep safe please - Soup

my private t called me and when she heard how upset I was she made me an after hours appt. I'm waiting to see her now. I'll try update after.

thanks for all the support.

...hey there Rose buddy..!!

how are you?

you can tell me...

James

I saw my private psych.

massive breakdown. crisis team got me to talk to DBT T. now I have an appt 10am tomorrow.

I can just feel myself falling further..

how do you know your drinking problem is back? you are drinking alone in a public toilet to calm down. before an appt. but it's okay you just have to buy mints. this shouldn't feel so familiar.

trying to hold on.

school starts in 2 weeks, how the f*** am I meant to manage full time school.

loosing my mind. I can hear people talking, I know it's about me. but I can't see who it is. people in the mirror laughing running away. this isn't normal. I hear voices who yell at me and try to control me. that's normal.

trying to hold on.

did that statue just look at me?

middle ground. how do you find a middle ground between being crazy and being sane?

trying to hold on.

I don't recognize it here. it's all new. but I've been here a 100 times.

am I on the right bus? it doesn't look right. but I always get this one.

trying to hold on.

I could do it. easy. would it work? I don't know.

trying to hold on. I'm just trying to hold on.

Rose honey....I am trying to hold my **** together to

how bout we hold our **** together at the same time??

I am ready....I think...

I never know little girl?

I am such a bad boy

I have no respect for life but.....

i had planned on writing a huge post about whats going on.. but i don't want to anymore.

f*** it. everyone can just get f***ed!

yeah they can

I hate cos I hurt...

I am bad...nasty ****er


but I don't care much either

this is bpd x

crisis team keep calling.. i don't know why? it's not like i ever tell them anything. but she said they would call again tomorrow.

i am slipping further and further.. bad habits coming up everywhere.. i know it's bad but i want to do it, why? because it gives me control.

control.. thats something i want, something i need. and i'll do what it takes.

.....me to

loosing my mind...

clothes all suddenly seem to big? but i all i do is binge and i haven't been purging.. maybe if i did purge then i would loose all this fat. this makes no sense.

school enrolment tomorrow. there are going to see how f*cking crazy i really am. i haven't even started yet.

told my cousin i'm struggling. there are people over. we went out for tea. i couldn't eat. couldn't talk. could follow concentrate conversations. too loud. people talk about me. didn't drink cuz i wouldn't be able to stop. cousin was happy i chose soft drink over alcohol. he kept looking at me. people tried to talk to me but it made no sense. almost in tears, why?

completely loosing my mind. it's gone since friday.

am meant to talk to T tomorrow, i told someone? i would. i think. what to say? i won't go to hospital.

i don't really need to call? it doesn't matter. she won't know.

read a book today. the quote at the end.. calm running through his veins before he took his last breath and jumped. i need that.

i'm not meant to be here. i need to go. where? i can't be here.not right.

they need to leave the mirror.

i'm not aloud to email her. it doesn't matter. FOCUSSSS!!

spinning. crayz. insane. what? stop it. leave me alone!

i think i finally loose sane forever.

white calm. soft. peace.

Hi Thequietone,

Ive been following this thread with some interest and thought i would weigh in and try and support you any way i can. I know you only posted 20 minutes ago but how are you feeling now? Your poor mind is clearly going at 100 mph but its where its going that concerns me. I can completely relate to the feeling of needing to go somewhere without knowing where exactly. I used to just run away when i felt like this - i would go pack a bag and just dissapear. But the fact is though theres no where to go - Your mind will never leave you and so you will just carry around your feelings until your able to address them in some way.

Where we are can help manage how we fill - i don't know if you live alone or with family/friends but is it possible you could create somewhere - a sort of corner where you can go where theres no pressure for you to say or do anything other than just be with how you feel? You can fill it with all your favourite things and it can be a comfort to you when your feeling lost, confused and like you just need to get away. You mentioned you read a book so how about a reading corner with a big cushion/bean bag and some candles/incense - maybe some soft music and lighting too and just let yourself be immersed in that environment for a little while. You may have already tried something similar but this really worked for me. A safe place that nobody could impact upon and where i could just go if i needed to figure some things out.

Are you keeping yourself safe? I don't know if you SI but i would try and ensure your kept out of harms reach as much as possible. Would going into hospital be so bad? Is there a possibility that if it came to it you could be admitted somewhere different to where you've been before? How about seeing your T more regularly? It sounds like your cousin is concerned about you, would talking to them more or even going to stay with them be an option?

These are all ideas you've probably tried but for the mean time i hope your safe and please keep posting on here - we're all here for you. PM me if you wanna chat

i feel like i've ODed.. can't think straight eyes open spinning tired.. but i haven't taken anything.

there isn't anywhere to hide here people everywhere. i live with my cousins.

i know what hospital. they hate me. attention seeker. go there too much. won't believe me.

i SH last night. i'm meant to recover. didn't happen. f*cked it again. i see T weekly and she calls most days. more? i don't think so.

just tried to talk to cousin.. he says DBT will help me feel okay w mood but brushes off loosing my mind.

i'm trying to read and i can't its all too jumbles..

going to bed now. then school. then try to call T maybe.

thankyou.

Ok well, im sorry your still feeling bad sweetie. If you do go to hospital, maybe try explaining to staff that because of your BPD it may come across like your attention seeking but actually thats not the case and you just want their help to get better - the more people know the more understanding they will be. Your cousin is right DBT will definately help you feel better and i would talk to your therapist and see if they can offer you twice a week just while your feeling this way. Hope you feel better soon