[rainbowoflabels]

Hey everyone. I am new and posted a few times. I witnessed something in me today that I believe I understand more since reading up about bpd. I had a calm open conversation with my partner and the we talked about some household stuff that needed to be done. (That was the stressor) As I left the house to go do laundry I had rage at anyone who crossed my path. Now my fear keeps me from expressing in public or to someone else. It is impulsive words just purging out. I read about these waves in 2 different books. The I hate you one and lost in the mirror. It scared me cause I always say I am not angry. I say I don't get mad but now I am seeing I do.

The good thing is that you recognise this and your reading up on how to help yourself. Keep posting sweetie, we're all here for you

[RaggedyAnn67]

I was horrified when I began to realize that I had a serious issue with anger management. One time after rolling my window down and screaming in the JR high dropoff lane at a mother driving the wrong way on my side of the road, I looked over at my child's face. It was like a smack on my face. The horror I felt for the embarassment on my son's face hurt me...bad. My temper and scary, hostile behaviors were visably affecting my poor son (s).
I knew I had to get help for it. And, I did. It took me awhile to accept the fact that I (personally) needed meds. I tried them and quit when I felt better. Finally realize that I need them on a regular basis. Counseling and learning other ways to handle things helps too. A lot of that was learning how to 'lighten' my daily loads...stop doing so much in the first place. Hang in there!

[rainbowoflabels]

Thanks, yeah I remember times before starting treatment for dissociation that I had weird anger outbursts and never was able to figure out why. In therpay I was told since I refused to stay connected to the feeling of anger that it was seeping out my body in other ways such as impulsivity. I seem a little calmer but sometimes these surges of anger and when I think about it there is no real connection to why the anger. I have pent up anger most of my life because I had a parent dx with bipolar with rage not depression, however I am now seeing that there may be a coralation of her possible being borderline as well. I know she has had a long history of emotional problems and never got treated for them. I just got a reserved book called surviving the borderline parent so I will read it and see how it applies to the trauma I went through with her. I have been through going on 5 years sometimes intense therapy for trauma/abuse PTSD/DID and thought now that all of me lived harmoniously that things would get better, when I look through the recovery at when I was at my worst and was getting told I never really wanted to get better, I think there were so many stressors that all my dx were getting intermingled and that maybe all along BPD was the one that was bringing on all the intensity. I keep getting told by those that treated me there for the other that I was not BPD that the 2 look very similar because parts learned unhealthy coping skills to survive. Though I was taught how to work with that area, if BPD is also there then there is more for me to learn. That the times where I was being told I was triggered from a past thing or having a flashback, that maybe some of those times were when the BPD was very difficult. Learning some added coping skills for the "stressors" that bring on an episode of panic and anger that lead to thoughts of suicide and self harm is only going to make me stronger.