[MDDBPDPTSD]

I hate people. I absolutely can not stand people. I do everything I can to avoid them. I isolate myself as much as possible. But they just won't leave me alone.

What else can I do? I do not talk to anyone except my docs, my family and my T.

Why can't people just leave me alone? Why do they need to interact with me? Why do they ignore everything about my actions and demeanor and bug me anyway?

People I do not even know come knocking at my door in the middle of the night. Why?

I hate people. There seems to be no escaping them. I know I am a person too. I know I have to live with me and that is bad enough. Why do others insist on disturbing what little safety I have?

My pain is real. My anger is real. My fear is real.

My safety is not real. There is no real safety. Only the illusion of safety. Even so, I like that illusion. It helps me get through the day, or sometimes, through the minute. When that illusion is shattered by an intruder, it is very unsettling.

My anxiety is through the roof right now.

I hate people.

Distress Tolerance tools. Need to find them. Either that or buy an island.

A lovely island with soft sand and gentle breezes. And WiFi, of course. It's my island, I can have WiFi if I want. An island with berries no bugs. Lots of dogs too. No snakes. No sharks in the water either.. Just dolphins and dogs and wolves and rabbits and coconut. and NO OTHER PEOPLE!!!

But I have no money to buy an island, so I have to go there in my mind only. I have to rebuild the illusion of safety and try to hold that illusion together as best I can.

I hate it here. I hate it here. I hate it here.

Please, can I leave now?

I know I can not. But I must ask again. and again. It is my only comfort at times like this.

I hate it here.

Sorry you feel this way. (if ok)

Originally Posted by MDDBPDPTSD

I hate people. I absolutely can not stand people. I do everything I can to avoid them. I isolate myself as much as possible. But they just won't leave me alone.

What else can I do? I do not talk to anyone except my docs, my family and my T.

Why can't people just leave me alone? Why do they need to interact with me? Why do they ignore everything about my actions and demeanor and bug me anyway?

People I do not even know come knocking at my door in the middle of the night. Why?

I hate people. There seems to be no escaping them. I know I am a person too. I know I have to live with me and that is bad enough. Why do others insist on disturbing what little safety I have?

My pain is real. My anger is real. My fear is real.

My safety is not real. There is no real safety. Only the illusion of safety. Even so, I like that illusion. It helps me get through the day, or sometimes, through the minute. When that illusion is shattered by an intruder, it is very unsettling.

My anxiety is through the roof right now.

I hate people.

Distress Tolerance tools. Need to find them. Either that or buy an island.

A lovely island with soft sand and gentle breezes. And WiFi, of course. It's my island, I can have WiFi if I want. An island with berries no bugs. Lots of dogs too. No snakes. No sharks in the water either.. Just dolphins and dogs and wolves and rabbits and coconut. and NO OTHER PEOPLE!!!

But I have no money to buy an island, so I have to go there in my mind only. I have to rebuild the illusion of safety and try to hold that illusion together as best I can.

I hate it here. I hate it here. I hate it here.

Please, can I leave now?

I know I can not. But I must ask again. and again. It is my only comfort at times like this.

I hate it here.

I was thinking about that this morning. How great it would be to live on an safe and enchanted island far away from harm. I'd need to have some (most) of my memories erased first so I wouldn't emotionally torture myself. Life is so difficult when you are disconnected from the others.

[MDDBPDPTSD]

"Life is so difficult when disconnected from others."

I question that. I am living alone now. It is the first time in my life that I have not lived with someone else. It is also the first time that I have not been abused on a regular basis. I like being alone better. I am still sad, I still cry, I am still angry, but there is less junk building up day by day.

I know that I am not truly safe, even though I try to be alone. I know that because others are always going to be around, unless I move to that island. It will always be possible to become someone's target again. But I can lessen those odds greatly.

I chose to decrease the odds that I will ever be abused again on a regular basis.

I can not be abused again if there are no abusers around. I have learned that I attract them.

Why do you feel life is more difficult when you are disconnected from others?

I have ways to connect with people who can not hurt me, at least not terribly. Like PC. I come here to give and get help and support. If someone says something that hurts me, I can move on quickly because I do not know that person and they do not know me. My identity is not caught up in what they think of me. I am a valid person with or without them.

That is not always the case when I am in a relationship with a SO. Or even not that intimate of a relationship. Maybe just a friend. If a friend I have known for a while says something negative about me or to me, I do take it to heart. I examine myself to see if what they said could be true. I think in part that is because of the identity distortion we BPDers suffer. I am always looking for direction from someone else to tell me who and what I am. When no one else is there, then I find me, at least parts of me.

Am I just rambling, or does this make sense to anyone?

Originally Posted by MDDBPDPTSD

"Life is so difficult when disconnected from others."

I question that. I am living alone now. It is the first time in my life that I have not lived with someone else. It is also the first time that I have not been abused on a regular basis. I like being alone better. I am still sad, I still cry, I am still angry, but there is less junk building up day by day.

I know that I am not truly safe, even though I try to be alone. I know that because others are always going to be around, unless I move to that island. It will always be possible to become someone's target again. But I can lessen those odds greatly.

I chose to decrease the odds that I will ever be abused again on a regular basis.

I can not be abused again if there are no abusers around. I have learned that I attract them.

Why do you feel life is more difficult when you are disconnected from others?

I have ways to connect with people who can not hurt me, at least not terribly. Like PC. I come here to give and get help and support. If someone says something that hurts me, I can move on quickly because I do not know that person and they do not know me. My identity is not caught up in what they think of me. I am a valid person with or without them.

That is not always the case when I am in a relationship with a SO. Or even not that intimate of a relationship. Maybe just a friend. If a friend I have known for a while says something negative about me or to me, I do take it to heart. I examine myself to see if what they said could be true. I think in part that is because of the identity distortion we BPDers suffer. I am always looking for direction from someone else to tell me who and what I am. When no one else is there, then I find me, at least parts of me.

Am I just rambling, or does this make sense to anyone?

Makes perfect sense to me. If you have been abused by somebody and they are gone and now you are not being tortured physically and or emotionally then of course you feel better. It's better to be alone than be abused. Always. People with BPD spend enough time beating themselves up they don't need help from the outside world. My BPD has brought me so much pain and distrust. The insight I have is skewed due to my negative perceptions of the world but there are some things that ARE black and white:

Being alone is better than being abused.

[MDDBPDPTSD]

Thank you Stardustedforever. I am glad you can understand what I am trying to say.

Here it is another night is approaching and I am so scared. I am terrified the person who knocked on my door will be back tonight.

I just have to live through it if he does.

I hate this. I hate this. I hate this.

I am so glad that PC is here. I do not know what I would do if I could not talk to someone who understands.

Yes I do. I would think I am crazier than I already do. i would feel all alone and more like a freak in this world. I would cry more and want to die more urgently.

Thank you fellow sufferers and PC folks for being here.

I still hate being me. But you do make it easier. Thank you for that.

I still need a way to survive under the radar for just a few more years.

Or even just for tonight. I am so scared. I feel like a stationary target. UGH! Why do I attract these people?

I hate this. I hate this. I hate this.