On thursday i had tafe so i had changed my individual DBT sessions to mondays. During my break at tafe when i checked my phone i had a heap of missed calls and voicemails from A (my individual therapist), the first few were saying where are you? give me a call to let me know when you'll be here. etc. Then they went on to say whats wrong are you okay? I've called your cousins and no one is answering. I've called ED and the wards and you're not there. The crisis team haven't heard from you. You really need to call me or the crisis team. Make sure you stay safe. Then the last one is her saying, okay ignore all my messages i just remembered we changed our appointment. It made me think though, i'm screwed if i ever just don't turn up for an appointment..

I started tafe tuesday. It's going okay i guess. I've decided to change one of my subjects so i'm trying to organise that at the moment. Everyone is expecting me to make a heap of friends at tafe, i don't think i will. I don't want to lie about me being BPD but i feel like i'm just going to be labeled as the crazy girl. No one will want to be friends with me. I want to make friends because i don't know anyone here but at the same time i think whats the point i'll just screw everything up anyway.

I'm so tired at the moment. I hate having to get up by a certain time everyday. I just want to be able to go to bed early then sleep until i wake up myself. I never sleep very well but i'm usually able to get back to sleep after i wake up. I just want to be able to stay in bed dozing until i want to get up. I used to get sick all the time so i'd have an excuse to stay in bed all day, but lately i haven't really been getting sick much, which is good, but i wish i could just get sick just because i'm so tired and i just want to stay in bed all day.

I'm feeling really homesick at the moment. When i broke down the other day i was planning on going home but Mum said i wasn't aloud. Mum bought me plane tickets to go home at easter, i'm glad to be going home but i'm also really anxious about it. I think my main worry is that something triggers me and I freak out and then Mum can't cope. I'm so scared that something is going to happen to Mum, I can't cope with something happening to her. And then i think that if something did happen i'm pretty sure that my family won't think i'm sane enough to look after my little brother and then i will have no say over what happens to either of us. I can't let my little brother down, if something happens to Mum then it has to be me who looks after him. He is amazing and has had to put up with so much. He msged me after my first day of tafe to ask how it was, and i know that there was no prompting from Mum because she was still in court for work when he msged me. Then when we were both going to bed and we stopped msging he said 'good night. i love you'. that absolutely made my day. I know that he is not good at expressing his feelings so he hardly ever says he loves anyone.

My cousins who i'm living with are going to europe for about 5 weeks towards the middle of the year and they have organised for my uncle and aunty to come and stay with me. They didn't even ask me if i'd be okay by myself, they just organised it. They don't trust me. I'm not sure how I feel about 5 weeks with my uncle and aunty. They have different rules, including expecting me to be up a lot earlier. Also a lot of the household chores will fall on me. Especially everything to do with the dogs. I guess i'm just worried about them being my only family support for 5 weeks cuz i'm pretty sure Mum's going overseas possibly to europe too at about the same time.. but even if she isn't she's not actually here, i know i can call her but she's not going to be here if i go into crisis.

I've been thinking about some of my habits, two in particular. Needing to get things organised asap so i feel in control. And needing to arrive early to everything. Both of these seem to annoy my cousin. I need to do them to stop my anxiety getting too bad.

Today when i was in the shopping centre i dissociated badly. I heard a voice which sounded so much like someone i know, straight away things went funny. I almost collapsed but managed to catch myself then i tried to find somewhere to sit down. I felt like i was floating, i could see everyone but i couldn't hear them, i could hear music playing. I felt totally numb. It took me ages to come out of it completely. I'm still not feeling right. But i'm back to feeling how I have been for the past few days. I just feel numb and surreal.

My baby is sitting on my lap at the moment. She is amazing. I don't know what i'd do without her.

I'm seeing A tomorrow, i have no idea what to say. I'm back to putting on a happy face for everyone. But i'm burning out. I just want things to end. I can't leave my baby, so then i wonder if i should take her with me.. I know it sounds stupid. But i can't keep this up and she doesn't cope without me.

I'm so tired. I'm going to bed. Don't want to think about tomorrow.

Sounds like you got a lot on your plate...at least your therapist seems caring. I would definately be as honest with her as you feel comfortable. Even if just one person knows the true extent of whats going on then at least thats something. Sorry i guess this reply is pretty pointless but i just wanted you to know i care and that we're all here if you need us

I saw A yesterday. I didn't want to be there and I guess my mind wasn't really. she wants me to learn to be interdependent rather than dependent or independent. I've decided that I won't call her all week, no matter what happens.

I saw S today. she is amazing, but the one thing that makes it hard to see her is that she is gorgeous. she's tall thin with long blonde hair. now don't get me wrong I'm not attracted to her it's just horrible to sit there seeing how pretty she is while I'm this ugly fat blob.

it's valentines day today. I hate valentines day. I lost my virginity on valentines day. it's was horrible. I didn't want to but I was scared that if I didn't then he would rape me. I was shaking and practically in tears the whole time but he didn't even notice.

i had class this afternoon and there's two girls who keep triggering me. one reminds me of a girl I knew in Melbourne who I had all kinds of issues with, she looks like, dresses like and acts like her. and the other one i think she could be anorexic and that in it's self doesn't trigger me but she says things that do.. like today she said she didn't bring a bottle of water because she wanted to see how long she could go without passing out.

i went to see this means war tonight it was AMAZING.

i walked home from the cinema even though i usually catch bus. i walked through the park and met a nice lady with a dog and talked to her for ages, we only really talked about the dogs but it was nice. it got me thinking about making friends, why is it that i can make friends with a random lady at the park who would have been at least 20years older than me but i can't make friends with anyone at tafe, i have barely even spoken to anyone at tafe. i'm not looking forward to when my family starts asking me about who i've met at tafe.

i feel horrible that i'm 19 and have achieved nothing. i didn't even finished high school. 2 of my best friends from primary school have bought houses! one of them is only 18, the other is 21. a friend i've known since i was 5 who is about a year younger than me and she is really dreamy and takes forever to get things done, she's getting her licence at the moment, everyone assumed that i would get mine way before her but i'm no where near getting mine. i just feel so horrible and insignificant.

all of my friendships are falling apart or already over. i used to be really close to S and i have hardly spoken to her for ages, tonight she started talking to me on fb and then i find out that she lost a baby at 7 weeks 4 weeks ago... i didn't even know that she was pregnant. i feel horrible. all of the people i used to talk to all the time i don't speak to them anymore.

i feel numb and empty.. i just don't know what to do. i want to go away, just me and elsie. i don't know how much longer i can keep it together. it seems i get triggered at the easiest things at the moment, things i don't even understand why. i had to unsubscribe someones blog because every time i read it i get worked up. i just don't know anymore.

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Quiet: while in these days of quiet desperation, look for a song or poem that expresses how you feel. Memorize it and replay it in your mind, especially when something triggering happens.

The day after I lost my virginity, I had my picture taken on Santa's lap in a mall, Christmas shopping. Not until I was an adult did I ever have sex with someone who loved me. So one song I kept in my mind as a teen was "I want you; I need you; but there ain't no ... " You know maybe Meatloaf? "Two Out of Three Ain't Bad" was the name of the song. It was pretty sad, a young teenager having sex to fill the loneliness with people who had no love for me but were happy to use me. So with that song, I could believe that being "wanted" or "needed" even without being "loved"---that was better than nothing to me. Still is. I don't regret it. But of course your situation with Valentine's was different. I am in NO WAY comparing the sexual aspect. I just used a bad example to explain how you can try to find words. Words. A song or a poem to keep in your mind. Words that help you see what you DO have. I also like words that help me see what great lengths I went to to get help and love and to love other people. Even if you don't find what you want, the journey of trying to find it is SO valuable. Like "What I Did for Love" from A Chorus Line? Well, if you don't know, promise me you'll google these things. shipping

thanks for replying.. i guess i kind of do that at the moment.. i listen to my iPod a lot which has a heap of songs on that i can relate to.

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Tell me what kind of music do you like? What are some of your favorite songs and why? I care.

I love Coldplay, Sia, Katy Perry, nickelback and missy Higgins. mostly cuz I can relate to lyrics.

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I know all of those except Sia. Coldplay is too mellow, but I do like many of the lyrics. Missy is excellently talented. If you have time, would you do me a favor and write down some of the lyrics that mean the most to you and tell me why? I think song work can be very healing. It is how I kept myself alive as a teenager. It's very important to keep some momentum going, and this would be a good way, unless you're too busy. shipping sings