Hi all,

Im not really sure if this is the right place to be posting this but seeing as most of my symptoms are as a result of BPD i thought this would be a good place to start.

Basically i just wanted to know if others are currently feeling or have felt similar to how i feel right now...for a while ive been feeling rather peculiar, sort of 'shut down,' or 'disconnected.'

Nothing quite reaches me anymore, i feel as though im stuck behind a barrier...nothing stimulates or provokes me anymore. Its not quite a numbness but i certainly feel as though im in some sort of haze. Its like things have reached a natural conclusion...like my life is ready to end. I feel no desire to maintain relationships, to travel, to start a family, to do...what i guess i normally would want to do. I know a certain amount of effort on my part is required in order to change things and pull myself out of this but its like i don't even...care? I dunno, im probably not making a lot of sense, i don't necessarily want to die but im not happy living either. Perhaps im just stuck in a rut and its a phase that will pass, but i guess im just interested to see whether others relate to this to an extent and how its affected them?

Thanks in advance.

[Forgive77]

I can totally relate. i go in and out of this. I was in it for a year or so for a while. esp when they were changing my meds. We had to move from where we lived so I could get better. I just wanted an 18 wheeler to hit me, when I was alone in my car. I could have cared a less...and honestly thought a hospital stay would be a nice vacation. No luck. LOL

[ChaoticSymphony]

Hey bb, I have felt this but not as consistently as it seems it is with you. The part about feeling like in a haze and disconnected happens to me several times a day though. I guess maybe because I am so used to it happening maybe I don't connect with that anymore or wonder what's going on, it's just going on. There are times that I am driving and I am so nervous about crashing and dying then there are times like "hey that'd be cool"...I don't want to die but at the same time if I am gone who cares. It's that ambivalent moment in our lives, it scares me most because everything else is so black and white...to float is scary.

[Flooded]

I disconnect often. It's very difficult for my kids to understand

[BorderlineBrittany]

I feel like this the last 2 days.. its such a weird feeling..

[Towanda]

I disconnect and get a kind of an out of body experience once in awhile when I'm feeling something intense or the memories bombard me and I need to retreat. It's definitely scary - it used to happen alot in the past - back then I couldn't move for hours at a time and other people had to slowly talk me back. Now I'm more aware and can bring myself back and it only lasts for minutes, that "floaty" feeling you mention.

The feeling of a barrier, the numbness, the lack of desire to maintain a relationship, feeling shut down, like your life is ready to end - a lot of that sounds like severe depression. Have you been to see a therapist or a psychiatrist? You say you don't NECESSARILY want to die but there are lots of red flags in your post. Have you been feeling this way for a long time or has something happened recently that has brought this on?

I've been at the same place you are - I'm borderline and bipolar - and what's worked for me is therapy and medication - working closely with both my therapist and psychiatrist. Now, I am NOT saying you are either borderline or bipolar - just that I am and what's worked for me. I still have my dips and crashes but the majority of the time I function well - I'm content, productive, have a great relationship with my husband, and don't think about dying on a regular basis, like I used to.

BB, please think about getting some help. You don't want to live your life feeling this miserable and disconnected. You deserve better. Talk to your family doctor about a referral for a therapist. Gather what energy you can together and make it happen - do it today! Make a commitment to yourself to make things better and to reclaim your life - you're worth it! Good luck

Originally Posted by Towanda

I disconnect and get a kind of an out of body experience once in awhile when I'm feeling something intense or the memories bombard me and I need to retreat. It's definitely scary - it used to happen alot in the past - back then I couldn't move for hours at a time and other people had to slowly talk me back. Now I'm more aware and can bring myself back and it only lasts for minutes, that "floaty" feeling you mention.

The feeling of a barrier, the numbness, the lack of desire to maintain a relationship, feeling shut down, like your life is ready to end - a lot of that sounds like severe depression. Have you been to see a therapist or a psychiatrist? You say you don't NECESSARILY want to die but there are lots of red flags in your post. Have you been feeling this way for a long time or has something happened recently that has brought this on?

I've been at the same place you are - I'm borderline and bipolar - and what's worked for me is therapy and medication - working closely with both my therapist and psychiatrist. Now, I am NOT saying you are either borderline or bipolar - just that I am and what's worked for me. I still have my dips and crashes but the majority of the time I function well - I'm content, productive, have a great relationship with my husband, and don't think about dying on a regular basis, like I used to.

BB, please think about getting some help. You don't want to live your life feeling this miserable and disconnected. You deserve better. Talk to your family doctor about a referral for a therapist. Gather what energy you can together and make it happen - do it today! Make a commitment to yourself to make things better and to reclaim your life - you're worth it! Good luck

Hi Towanda, thanks for the kind words - your very sweet

I have been diagnosed with clinical depression in the past but i do seem to have prolonged episodes where i crash and then peak for a while so maybe my diagnosis needs re-evaluating. The only thing ive really been motivated to do recently is severe SI. I need to go to extremes to 'feel' and this requires so much energy and concentration it beggars belief - but afterwards i feel temporarily 'normal.' Its all very odd and i think its going to take a while to get to the bottom of but heres hoping i get there at all. Thanks once again, it was kind of you to share your experiences