Just Diagnosed

[I want to apologize. I posted this in the General Introductions section before I realized there was a BPD section so this was posted twice.]

I'm now too sure where to start. I'm pretty exhausted right now and I don't know how much sense this will make so I'll just try to keep it simple and short. I can go better into detail about everything later but I wanted to try and at least write a little something while the feeling are still fairly fresh in my mind.

I was officially diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder tonight. This is something I've thought I've had for a while now, I just wasn't actually diagnosed until now. I figured being diagnosed with BPD wouldn't be too bad for me because I was already sure I had it and at least I would have a name for what'd going on inside of me. Now, don't get me wrong, I am definitely relieved that I now know for sure and do have a name for it but at the same time I think I was secretly wishing I had something like Bipolar Disorder or something else that could be helped with a medication. For me, when my therapist confirmed the BPD diagnosis, I felt like I had just been diagnosed with terminal cancer. Not literally of course but basically this feeling that I'm going to have to go through such intense therapy, work so hard, and will still never actually be completely normal or okay. I mean, I may be able to function fairly normal, have a fairly normal relationship without all these ups and downs and these crazy thoughts that cross (and never leave) my mind and I may be able to change my way of thinking but I'll still have to work at being normal for the rest of my life; and even then I'm still going to have these feelings at least to an extent.

Part of the reason I think this hit me so hard was because I also have a lot of medical issues. I'm only 20 but my body acts as if I'm a sick 80 year old according to my doctors. Basically to summarize it (I'll probably post something about this later) my body is completely attacking itself; my bones, muscles, nerves, musculoskeletal system, neuromuscular system, heart, lungs, eyes, 'Deafness' and much more. I spend the majority of my life in my bed or a wheelchair. The problem is my medical problems aren't caused by just one condition which has made it extremely hard to diagnose everything, including the main autoimmune disease. Basically, they've just told me they'll do their best to keep me comfortable... Problem! I'm not comfortable! I'm on some pretty heavy medications just to allow me to get out of bed here and there and I'm still in constant intense chronic pain. Anyways, what I'm trying to say is that I already have a problem with feeling that my body is out of my control, like no matter how much I do to try and help my body I'm NEVER going to have a normal body or even a near normal body. I'm never going to be able to do the things I used to love doing (at least not in the same way), I'm never going to be able to do the things a normal 20 year old can do. My life is also going to be shortened fairly significantly (which is a different topic all together). So now it's just been confirmed that my mind is pretty much doing the same thing as my body. I can either not do therapy, feel the way I do now, feel suicidal, keep self-injuring and starving myself to death, continue to cry myself to sleep every night (that's when I actually do get to sleep and if any of you have a chronic illness, you know how extremely important sleep is for us) and probably end up dying even earlier than I'm going to because I just couldn't handle being like this anymore; OR, I could do this intense therapy, work so hard, finally start to learn my emotions, open them up, learn what I'm actually feeling, and still feel all those things just not as intense as before.

Why can't there just be a simple quick fix so we can all be actually cured... I'm sorry this is such a depressing post. I really don't mean to be so down and I'm sure I'll feel better in the morning (Haha, Yay highs and lows!) but I just wanted to get out what I was feeling while I was feeling it or else I won't be able to remember or explain how I was feeling afterwards. I've never talked to anyone else with BPD (that I know of) and I just thought it may help to be able to connect with others who can actually understand the crazy and irrational ways my brain works.

If anyone else felt this way once you were diagnosed let me know. I need to know if I'm overreacting. I mean like I said, I'm sure I'll be better by morning but I don't think I'm ever going to be okay with the fact that I'm going to have to live like this forever but I'm sure I'll be able to find ways to just accept that this is who I am, ya know?

So much for keeping this short... but,
Thanks for listening... Really.

I just wanted to give you a (((HUG)))

It does get better, you learn to live abnormally normal. You are so right on with the highs and lows...enjoy the highs and try to self soothe during the lows. You know that all to well with your other health problems I am sure. I am not very helpful I know, I just woke up and read this but keep posting and if you ever want to talk I am available to listen. See you around ok.

Glad you found our little board!

I have not been diagnosed yet, but I wanted to say that you must have a strong and resilient spirit to sound even this positive with everything you're struggling with. I feel amazed and inspired by you already. It seems obvious to me that you're pretty incredible. I hope you realize that, too - even if only sometimes.

Thank you all so much for being so supportive. I can't believe anyone actually finished reading my long, late-night rant; let alone replying with incredibly kind and positive words. I really don't know what to say but I just wanted to say thank you. You have no idea how much I needed to hear those things and how much they helped me when I got up and read this today. Well maybe you do know... Anyways, thank you.

Dear Glassbonespaperskin,
I am a recovered BPD person. I had the diagnosis, did the hard work in therapy, and came out the other side. My docs don't even list this diagnosis for me anymore. It IS possible to beat it with the right type of therapy and with a therapist who really knows what they are doing. You can recover and put it behind you, much to the disagreement of others. I am living proof! Hope this news is uplifting for you
Daze

So you were diagnosed with BPD.

Yeah. Me too. And I learned that it's very difficult to treat and many doctors don't want to deal with me because I have it. And that my insurance will not pay for it---they will only pay for my treatment for depression.

I felt extremely discouraged at the prospect of having to work at being "normal".

And I felt, more than ever, like a bad seed, a basket case (to others). "Billi, we just can't deal with someone so unstable". or "Billi, you just talk and ruminate so much that we can't keep up with you". or "Billi, why do you react so much, complain so much?" (examples of how ppl have reacted to my behavior/diagnosis/issues.)

sorry for MY long rant. lol

I wish I could just say, like some normal person, "I relate to the feelings after a diagnosis", but I relate so darn much that I needed to share my own experience.

I guess the kindest philosophy I can have toward myself right now is treating bpd like diabetes: "It can be controlled." But that can feel very depressing as well, esp. on my bad days.

And your post did NOT depress me! It lifted me. So glad I am not alone!

Relate so darn much.

Billi