well this is a hard one!

....but insomnia, what a glorious thing, noisy brain demanding I solve a problem.
more like just tryin' to sleep at a rock concert where nobody can play their instruments halfway decent AT ALL!

I'm guessing that this falling in love business is the most sought after thing on the planet....or is that money or somethin' else?

In my weird little world it's the real prize but somethin' goes wrong in the process of finding it....everytime.

I am so empty I can't leave the house without searching desperately for it....this need. I have my entire horizon under constant surveillance...and it's quite amazing how in so many other peoples eyes you can see the same thing....searching.

But I also see fear there and it only occurred to me just now that most people are afraid to complete the search....and then there is dumbass ridiculously insecure me wandering around with the audacity to think I am capable of this love business just because I want the damn thing so bad!
....conveniently forgetting how hopeless I am at it.

By the time I've made it to town...walk and bus and more walk and finally at college I have thought.."is it her?"....that one!, "or her?"...."that one over there maybe?" what a looney! it's a funny thing. doesn't matter where I go.

so anyway I do end up meeting someone in my class and in my typical borderline fashion it's basically all over before it even begins....and this happens because I drop entirely all my defences so that I can let anything this person has in ...anything and everything even if it's nothing. totally fearless and desperate!

....this of course backfires insanely over the next few days in my head because 'normal' people just don't drop their defences like that! They want something to hang onto..something of their own still....and meanwhile I am running about the place naked and screaming to myself! who am I? ....give me back!

I have met my future lover followed shortly after by my worst enemy EVER! ....and the flip flop between these two increases to a maddening emotional vibration deep inside until I can't cope no more!

I am just grateful I'm not acting out this stuff like I usually do cos then I would need some serious substance abuse to deal with it.

....so is it an idea?....falling in love with the idea of having it?. the affection, the trust, the intimacy, companionship and all the other goodies that go along with it? It's so overwhelming the prospect of fulfilling the fantasy that it just scares the crap out of most everybody and having this bpd just seems to make one fearless in the pursuit!

maybe it's a marvelous thing?....maybe it's just nuts?
now I can sleep

[Forgive77]

Aw...I just wrote about the same thing in my blog. I often question if I am lovable? I ask my husband why he loves me all the time. He just says I have a big heart, which is confusing because most people 'I feel' think I'm heartless. Why are people even my friend? Why do some people and family members cut and run, while others would never let me go no matter how ugly I get. I suppose they are the forgiving ones, or the ones that have been my friends for a long time and have never abandoned me, or make me feel abandoned by not calling or emailing me back etc. Or stuck with me through moves, and triplets. But why do they love me? And why are they my friends? I want to ask these questions all the time!

[Perna]

Originally Posted by dubblemonkey

....but insomnia, what a glorious thing, noisy brain demanding I solve a problem.
more like just tryin' to sleep at a rock concert where nobody can play their instruments halfway decent AT ALL!

Love this description!

I don't know about the falling in love with the idea of falling in love with the idea. . . but it does sound like you are spending too much time in your head and not enough actually interacting. Remember, in your head, you have that insomnia problem above!

You say you are not acting out these things; that is good but doesn't help you in any way to solve the problem of being too much in your head and imagination and not enough engaged in actually listening to what another says and comparing it to what you think they would say/be like and being surprised they are/are not like what you think and telling them what you thought they'd be like, etc. You have to practice engaging others; you can't fall in love with another unless you literally get to know that other and you can't get to know another until you talk to them, just you and them. Everything else is your imagination and an idiosyncratic idea of what that idea would be like if it were to play out.

....I don't understand what either of you wrote there....

it's quite possible I don't even understand what I wrote?

...including this

[athena2011]

Originally Posted by dubblemonkey

....this of course backfires insanely over the next few days in my head because 'normal' people just don't drop their defences like that! They want something to hang onto..something of their own still....and meanwhile I am running about the place naked and screaming to myself! who am I? ....give me back!

Yes, people need their own 'separateness'. I don't think we quite figured this part out. I often think I'm like a 'Borg' (Star Trek race that is connected to all the other 'borg' minds while still maintaining a vestige of an individual identity but it is barely perceptible) that has been disconnected and is desperately wanting to reconnect even though she knows it's not good for her because she will lose herself to the others. I have a feeling this problem started in infancy, at least for me. Some kind of horrible rupture before it was time or something like that. I never quite learned how to be separate or how to be OK with it. The fantasy is to be with the other 24/7, which is simply not possible or good for me or the other.
The reality is I am even more separate than most people, like I crave one extreme and end up in living in the other. I don't know what the answer is, but I am trying to do things differently and see if I get different results. As much as I can tolerate, I am trying to let the other person set the pace for a change.

[BrokenNBeautiful]

Originally Posted by athena2011

Yes, people need their own 'separateness'. I don't think we quite figured this part out. I often think I'm like a 'Borg' (Star Trek race that is connected to all the other 'borg' minds while still maintaining a vestige of an individual identity but it is barely perceptible) that has been disconnected and is desperately wanting to reconnect even though she knows it's not good for her because she will lose herself to the others. I have a feeling this problem started in infancy, at least for me. Some kind of horrible rupture before it was time or something like that. I never quite learned how to be separate or how to be OK with it. The fantasy is to be with the other 24/7, which is simply not possible or good for me or the other.
The reality is I am even more separate than most people, like I crave one extreme and end up in living in the other. I don't know what the answer is, but I am trying to do things differently and see if I get different results. As much as I can tolerate, I am trying to let the other person set the pace for a change.

I think I experienced something like this when my aunt started taking care of me. I was not properly cared for by my mother (she was ill) and then my aunt took over and smothered me. I had no self.

Billi

[Bitsandpieces]

Originally Posted by Forgive77

Aw...I just wrote about the same thing in my blog. I often question if I am lovable? I ask my husband why he loves me all the time. He just says I have a big heart, which is confusing because most people 'I feel' think I'm heartless. Why are people even my friend? Why do some people and family members cut and run, while others would never let me go no matter how ugly I get. I suppose they are the forgiving ones, or the ones that have been my friends for a long time and have never abandoned me, or make me feel abandoned by not calling or emailing me back etc. Or stuck with me through moves, and triplets. But why do they love me? And why are they my friends? I want to ask these questions all the time!

I relate entirely! We feel people see us as heartless because we see all the twisted things we do, how we try so hard to get people to do what we want (love us, appreciate us), but really, we DO have big hearts, big needy hearts! And some people will see right through it and if you're lucky, you'll find someone that can appreciate it (Like your husband, no?)