Chapter 34

I'm too ****ing tired to think of a thread title.....

Anyways....partial credit for this thread goes to doublemonkey...

When I was writing in his thread about "advice", the more I wrote the more it was making sense to me and how it applies to my life. I often don't want the advice, and the advice given is usually extremely simplified to the point it's almost insulting. To be fair to a NON that is unfamiliar with mental illness, I'm certain that their intentions are good... it's more they don't know what to say or maybe how to act.. I don't believe this is just applicable to us. I'm sure many with disabilities/handicaps have similar frustrations.

I've noticed, in my life, when I meet someone (without mental illness) I perceive us as being equals. It's when they find out about my mental illness the perception shifts, and it no longer feels as if were equals. I know others can relate to this, at least the people in my dbt class could. In someways, to me, from that point on it almost feels like they take on the role of a councelor, which isn't what I or anyone else wants.

So... My question is purely hypothetical, because we will never live in a perfect world. If we could talk about our mental illness comfortably out in the open, be treated as if it was no big deal, no stigma attached etc... Do you think that would help or hinder you in trying to get better?

I can see how both sides would apply.... For me, I'd like to think it would help me get better. My reasoning is it would take a lot of pressure off of me. I wouldn't have to worry about what I say or don't say to someone.. In this hypothetical world it would be no big deal, I could talk openly about, and I would still be perceived as their equal.. It would also get me out more, and I wouldn't isolate as much. I could put more of my energy into getting better. I do notice having to cover up so much about my mental illness is mentally/physically tiring. I wouldn't have to worry about that anymore..

How would it affect you? (better, worse, same)

I'm thinkin' it would be better cbox
(chapter 34...I like it!)

yeah...it's a sub-conscious thing I guess for me, "I'm on the backfoot" all the time, I have to "catch up to the rest of the functioning humans"....and I have made some pretty damn supermental attempts at it where I've exceeded whats considered 'normal'...and become 'supernormal' ....but there is nowhere beyond the average dude to get to anyway so I would crash all spectacular and suddenly I'm nuthin' but mental illness!

...the leapfrog of madness. So I've waisted alot of time making out and even fooling myself that I have no emotional or mental challenges and simply fallen HARD on my face over and over and all that happens then is isolation and separation from the rest of the world.

mental illness still has so much stigma....and at my age I'm so used to it that I stigmatise myself. (I think 'stigma' is actually a Greek word for 'marked' or something)....so I have marked myself as a faulty product and my best reality is always gonna fall way short of the "other" reality....whatever that is!?

...so yeah, to remove that subconscious sub-human perception would make a HUGE difference...hmmm

....I just want to add

that it's so brilliant to see all the younger people comin' through with their illnesses and showing such spirit about it all because I reckon in this age of awareness they know whats right pretty much straight away and are demanding it!

I kinda had an idea about what was right but was shamed into screwing my life up even more!...or something like that?

anyhow, I love the way everybody expresses themselves on here....but there is definitely alot of spirit amongst the younger people yep....it's all so matter of fact!....and impossible not to pay attention.....

very cool

Cbox, I think it would certainly be beneficial. You're right that a lot of time and energy is spent on trying to appear "normal", and how is anyone going to get anywhere worrying about that all the time? Basically bound up in an emotional straitjacket. There's the constant fear and worry about the perceptions of other people and how their behavior will change if and when they find out what is being hidden.

For me, I have never tried to cover up the fact that I'm not normal and that there is something wrong with me. This helps and hurts me. It helps because then I don't have to worry about being someone I'm not and trying to get reality and falsehood mixed up, but it hurts a lot because then I constantly worry that no one will accept me and think I'm a retard (for lack of a better word, for I have been called that many a time) and then I freak out about being alone. I've always been open about talking to people about how I feel or what I am like and even though they act different around me, I realized that EVERYONE has something. Whether it is something big (like the girl I tutor, her name is Cassie and she had severe autism) or something small (like the star quarterback at my school who is afraid of heights.) It is coming to the realization that everyone is thinking the same way as you and I, and THEY are the people who think that WE are normal. So after this whole long and meaningless rant, to sum it up, every person on this planet is covering something up. And if we all just show it, we would all be that much more understanding and caring.

That's true, my dear, but they are so busy condemning and criticizing the failure of others to be "normal" that they cannot be trusted with the truth. They'll just try to hurt you if they see your vulnerabilities. And so many people play the game of make-believe. Because of that, I have many masks and they are all well-used. My own face, on the other hand, must be protected at all costs. So I keep a buffer inside to separate what I think of as "real me" from "false me" so that I don't get too mixed up - as happened when I was younger.

Kudos to you for being that way. It's great that you are honest and forthright about yourself, though. I wish I felt capable of doing that. I wish the world were a different place. I wish humanity would be different. But reality is always getting in the way.

[If we could talk about our mental illness comfortably out in the open, be treated as if it was no big deal, no stigma attached etc... Do you think that would help or hinder you in trying to get better?

. . . It would also get me out more, and I wouldn't isolate as much. I could put more of my energy into getting better. I do notice having to cover up so much about my mental illness is mentally/physically tiring. I wouldn't have to worry about that anymore..

How would it affect you? (better, worse, same)[/quote]

I would love to be able to mention it in the aftermath of a "discussion," when I want to come back and try to mend fences, and I would want to do so because I would want us both to be able to consider whether I was over-reacting, or whether my words and actions were justified. I have trouble sticking to rational facts--or, at least, I have trouble not over-valuing emotional facts, and I need help in discerning the truth. My therapist and I call this trying to hit the bull's eye (truth), rather than the out rings . . . or, uh, the wall . . .

But the truth of it is, in my experience, if the word borderline is mentioned, or even bipolar, then they're off the hook for any responsibility of escalation of emotions in the "discussion," and I am REALLY blamed then. So, isolate and withdraw more? Oh, yeah . . . .

Man, we're tough to brave even trying to talk to people about things that matter to us at all . . . . .

I think there are 'safe' people who you can share all this stuff with and then there are 'the rest'. And yes, I do think it is helpful to talk about this stuff in the open, but I also try to make a judgement call on who can handle it, when and to what level of detail. When it comes to 'the rest', I think that how one states the problem makes a huge difference, for example, saying "I'm battling PTSD from a number of crises that all hit at once" is far more acceptable to people than "I'm usually depressed and anxious, sometimes suicidal, often paranoid, distrustful, withdrawn and have abandonment issues and chronic fatigue and I've been in this state for most of my life. Both are true. I guess what I'm getting at is...if you feel you must disclose your issues, then try to normalize it a bit, unless you're looking for a shoulder to cry on and you are dealing with a 'safe' person. Because I think most people will have a tendency to run away from people with mental illness. They just don't want to deal with it.

So yes, I think it would be better if people could just accept us as we are even after we air all our issues but I don't believe that most people are capable of this. But if you find somebody who is...treat them like a gift from heaven.

It's interesting that you mention this, because I was writing about this yesterday in another forum. There is truth to this.. I've noticed with myself whether I'm at fault or not.... I automatically assume that I'm in the wrong and at fault regardless. It's learned behavior, and getting to the point where you have no confidence and just assume what the other person says is accurate. For me... this is one of those areas I feel that I can unlearn, because I do believe that I can be more mindful of when it's happening. Hopefully, this makes sense.

Also, you discuss mending fences... If we could talk about this with no stigma attached... I'm not saying people wouldn't leave us... But I do believe more people would stick around since this would be out in the open and no stigma, and it may not automatically be assumed were at fault...I never thought about that..

yeah cbox....that learned behaviour is full on!

...I just fail to hesitate when thinking that everyone else 'has it together'
to the point of believing that they do. I've been conditioned that way and have taken so much crap for things I was never responsible for....all sorts of things....and then would just have a major brainsnap about it! then suddenly thats just too much and is far worse than whatever was goin' on before.

until recently I just decided it was much safer just to not go out the front door....or the back door...side door...window....
stay the hell out of the world.

getting better at dealin' with it

True! I do this too. I think, we become consumed with our problems, and focus on those, that don't have the same problems, and we assume they have it together. Yet, they think the sameway about something else. Babycd's said best above I can relate to this as well. There was a thread started yesterday titled "Who ARE borderlines, really?" and I think this quote sums it up..
For me, it might be slightly different.... I've been through a lot of trauma in my childhood, and somewhere along the line I lost confidence in myself which, in part, prevents from being happy, and the faith that it can get better, the other part. This would be like which came first the chicken or the egg on the road to recovery. I think, you have to first find the glimmer of faith that things can get better, and with that re learn the confidence aspect.. I think faith is something you have to find, and confidence is something that you can learn. I think! It seems rational to me.

That was a lot of F**kin thinking. So ... I'm glad you like the thread title.. I've decided I'm just gonna start calling all my threads chapter (insert number), unless it's painfully obvious what the title should be. I just can't f**k around with it anymore. This brings me to noticing that my very first post was censored for language. I said some variation of the word f**K. I think what I would like is an icon attached to my screen name. Wherever I post this icon will appear right next to my s/n. The icon will stand for "strong f**kin language"... I want to be the only person on PC with this warning icon next to their name. That would make me so f**king happy if that happened, and I imagine I'd laugh some too... Just curious DM, what do you think the chances are I could create a thread on the word f**k and make it relevent to bpd? If you think I could.. you'd be RIGHT!

...I don't reckon you would have any trouble cbox, with your imagination....easy!
getting the posts past security....hehe ummm...probly not

as for being relevant, I recall when I was first diagnosed....I'm sure the doc said I have bfpd....

or was it fpbd.....or bpfd maybe?