Invalidating Environment?

Would anyone say that an invalidating environment is basically "invisible" trauma? The way I figure it: sure, there's all sorts of empirical trauma that is quite obvious to an outside observer ─ things like car accidents, house fires, murder, natural disasters etc. BUT wouldn't anyone agree that trauma can also be invisible, observable only to the individual perceiving it and not clearly noticed by others who share that environment with them? You know, for example those subtle (yet continual) invalidations that negatively, slowly-but-surely erode away at a person's sense of self, e.g. "You don't need to be a cry-baby". Thus wouldn't they not be able to easily verify their individual perceptions of reality (reality checking) with the others around them who would otherwise help to validate them? If this is true, it's a no wonder then why borderlines are doubtful and distrustful of their own thoughts and feelings..

At any rate, wouldn't this subtle, practically "invisible" type of trauma fit in with the concept of the invalidating environment (even loosely)? Any thoughts?

P.S. I hope that all makes sense... my eyelids were getting heavy when I wrote this

Exactly. "Which dress do you want? No, you don't want THAT dress, you want THIS one." which ice cream flavor. which tv show. which anything.

I remember my mother once asking me at a holiday dinner at my aunt's, whose spaghetti sauce I liked best, my mom's or my aunt's? I figured I better answer my mom's, right? Wrong! She slaps me upside the head, "You don't got no manners, you're supposed to say your aunt's!" I made sure NEVER to sit next to my mother at a holiday dinner again. emily post she wasn't.

I agree with this completely

The APA simply defines trauma as 'an emotional reaction to a terrible event'. This could easily be applied to multiple events...and a long-term trauma could result in a long-term reaction (or significant developmental changes!)

Invalidation seems like a common theme in my exploration and personal experience of BPD. It could also be the cause of our signature 'black and white thinking.' If I am sad, my feelings are invalid and perhaps punished, I am BAD. If I am happy then I am GOOD, my feelings won't be understood but they won't be punished either. There is no grey area because none of my feelings are valid anyway: I am BAD or GOOD, happy or sad, uncomfortable or comfortable... Period.

Just a thought, but fears of abandonment could be a direct cause of this too (just an opinion, not a fact). If someone who has only experienced an environment of invalidation and is then presented an environment of validation, then, even subconsciously, he/she could be trying to hold onto that. What if they leave me? Who will then validate me and my sense of self?

If invalidation is consistent , I think a poorly defined and SELF-VALIDATED sense of self could result...
If this is not considered trauma, I don't know what is. Great topic, ava.

OMG. that's traumatic all right. Like just saying something your mom doesn't like deserves a literal slap in the face! Also, not even knowing the right thing to say! This is definitely a good way to learn to be afraid to trust yourself. By being hit and yelled at and told what you said was wrong! Your mind must have remembered that very strongly and no wonder you could not trust yourself. You did not know when you were going to be literally slapped down and traumatized. Endless uncertainty. *Terror*.

I went thru that, too. It probably rooted my codependency. And part of my own bpd.

Billi

Thanks, Billi. I think some of these memories still feel "like yesterday" because of depersonalization or derealization, forms of dissociation. i'm reading some books about it. but I appreciate your feedback on it. you capture the feeling of being sent floating out into space with that slap - "endless uncertainty; terror". will we ever come back down to earth?

It's kind of funny in a sad and lonely way that a single memory from a single day can bring on a literal flood of similar memories. I remember the day after I started getting raped that I tried to tell my mother. She told me that I had an "ugly" look on my face anf that I wasn't to be in the same room with her until I could be more pleasant to be around. It was the week after I turned 4 years old.

i have been dating some one for a very very long time who has recently been diagnosed with bpd, and in trying to learn how to productive build the relationship in a healthy way i often read through this forum to learn from people like her that suffer from bpd. this thread really caught my eye cuz i have been wondering how much environment plays a role in triggering the symptoms of bpd. i'm very interested to hear more about your guy's experience with how much envirnment plays into triggering the symptoms

Environment has a lot to do with triggering BPD symptoms for me. Someone says something that reminds me of something else, a movie, a song, passing by a place. To me, I am triggered most by memories. Even when on here, when I'm writing, sometimes I hit a chord and go back in time....trigger myself.

Be mindful of what you say....you may mean something harmlessly but the WAY you say it, the facial and body expressions involved, or the fact it brings back memories of someone else or some other time can do it. Maybe write a journal of things that you say or do that seems to trigger her. Figure out a pattern. It may not be something directly on the surface. Do this....but don't be obvious about it. She might think that you are calling her crazy or you are looking for things to fight about. If she's open about it, ask her to directly let you know when you do or say things that she takes wrong or gets her upset.....and keep in mind that in most cases, it's probably NOT you. And thank you...for her....for working on "getting it". That's something that many of us don't have....