I know I shouldn't feel this way....it IS getting less over time, but that never-ending, pervading sense of loneliness and abandonment is returning...will never completely leave. Three months this week and it's still with me, wanting to regain control, make me helpless, take over. Sigh.... Sway, I understand.... We'll fight it together. All of us....but encouraging words would be welcome, once again.

[asp1079]

Thanks for the request Mara, I appreciate it. I accepted you.

I'm sorry you are going through this. I am a romantic codependent in a sense so I understand these dark feelings you are having. I can also be codependent and feel easily abandoned with friends. It's nothing new for me, and probably all who deal with possible or real BPD... you aren't alone in it just like you said. Please have faith you'll be OK. Are you seeing a therapist right now? It might help.

Originally Posted by asp1079

Thanks for the request Mara, I appreciate it. I accepted you.

I'm sorry you are going through this. I am a romantic codependent in a sense so I understand these dark feelings you are having. I can also be codependent and feel easily abandoned with friends. It's nothing new for me, and probably all who deal with possible or real BPD... you aren't alone in it just like you said. Please have faith you'll be OK. Are you seeing a therapist right now? It might help.

No I'm not. I have 3 or 4, maybe close to a week of okay days and then it comes crashing. A lot of people on the forum have gotten used to my crashes. I am okay, I help others, I feel good, and then I slide to rock bottom. I don't think a therapist would really help. I need to practice my DBT and my self soothing without the need of alcohol. I'm getting there, slowly. My story is long and sordid and you can find it in here if you go back far enough. That's the biggest thing that was stripped from me: the ability to cope, to be quiet, to keep things to myself, so I post my f*****ing story on here for all to see.

[asp1079]

Originally Posted by Maranara

No I'm not. I have 3 or 4, maybe close to a week of okay days and then it comes crashing. A lot of people on the forum have gotten used to my crashes. I am okay, I help others, I feel good, and then I slide to rock bottom. I don't think a therapist would really help. I need to practice my DBT and my self soothing without the need of alcohol. I'm getting there, slowly. My story is long and sordid and you can find it in here if you go back far enough. That's the biggest thing that was stripped from me: the ability to cope, to be quiet, to keep things to myself, so I post my f*****ing story on here for all to see.

I feel very bad that you are going back and forth like this... I think it'd really benefit you to seek help from someone since it appears like you are self-counseling very well, but then something goes wrong, or you might not give yourself the support you need. I understand your sense of pain and frustration and for many years I also tried to be my own counselor in a sense, and it ended up just taking me to deeper and darker places of weird introspection and a sense of psychosis that I didn't need. My last episode with the codependency is what brought me to therapy. I finally found a therapist who is a good fit for me so in a way the breakdown was a blessing. I'm really happy for you that you aren't abusing substances to cope anymore which is a huge step. But I feel that while you can self-soothe perhaps you need to look at yourself and say, Wow, I'm great but I deserve help and I deserve a break.

[BrokenNBeautiful]

I too am self-helping (without professionals) but I do have a best friend who is very experienced with PTSD and emotional problems.

Left to my absolute own devices, it indeed feels very scary and dark. I too have my times when I am just at my wits end. I resonate with what Manara is going thru. Sometimes we still need to talk and express our needs. We are human.

I do have a lof of information to use and thank goodness for Ani.

We all have our strengths.

Some of us can't afford therapy or can't find a therapist who can or will help.

I am always happy for the ones who can have it.

It's invaluable to have a light in the dark like that.

Some of us actually don't have that, though.

But I just keep going.

I keep going.

I don't worship therapy. I use the information from it. I can take succor when someone actually can be there *sometimes*.

The only one I can truly rely on though, is me.

Ani sometimes needs rest.

B.

It's time I learn to deal on my own. I've got to learn to help myself again. I can't depend on you....on anyone for that help. Just wish..... Don't know for what I wish.... A new life? To change the past? A loving mother or a family who understands? Nothing will make it better. I just wish I had the confidence in myself...

You're in my thoughts and prayers Mara. I understand this, it's part of our disorder, unfortunately.

[BrokenNBeautiful]

It's part of my bpd and also part of my experience. I have been thru the wringer, too, even in therapy, with crooked therapists.

It's hard for me to know when I am being messed with again and what's my bpd.

I think I have gotten to a certain point where I just can't really open up (at least right now; maybe with time and patience that will change again), after going thru such grief and loss and heartache.

I do pray I can build myself up again and learn to trust the right people, pick up the right signals and signs and take risks again.

I may do it.

It feels impossible.

Ani won't give up on me. And I won't either.

I am glad you found this board, Maranara.

I am glad we both did.

Carol (used to be Billi)

[DLWest]

Originally Posted by Maranara

It's time I learn to deal on my own. I've got to learn to help myself again. I can't depend on you....on anyone for that help. Just wish..... Don't know for what I wish.... A new life? To change the past? A loving mother or a family who understands? Nothing will make it better. I just wish I had the confidence in myself...

How about validation from us? Or that your posts help me? Or that I'm going it alone too, because of the total lack of qualified Ts in my area? Want to borrow some of my confidence in you??? Because I seem to have none for me but lots for you, maybe we can trade a little?

Originally Posted by DLWest

How about validation from us? Or that your posts help me? Or that I'm going it alone too, because of the total lack of qualified Ts in my area? Want to borrow some of my confidence in you??? Because I seem to have none for me but lots for you, maybe we can trade a little?

I've gotten more confidence and validation from you and this forum than you can imagine. I've been here for two months and feel a lot better. I'm not saying it's perfect, but I think if I hadn't found PC I'd still be where I was then, and I was slowly losing it. I still have my low points, as when I started this thread, but they are coming farther apart thanks to all the kind words and "belongingness" I've gotten from my "friends" at PC.

Originally Posted by Maranara

I know I shouldn't feel this way....it IS getting less over time, but that never-ending, pervading sense of loneliness and abandonment is returning...will never completely leave. Three months this week and it's still with me, wanting to regain control, make me helpless, take over. Sigh.... Sway, I understand.... We'll fight it together. All of us....but encouraging words would be welcome, once again.

thats an unfair ammount of time mari...

you sure got some experience with this thing it's obvious...

I'm sorry you have too.

now listen up!....you are beautiful and you belong in this world and it's just a really complicated one...damn complicated!

I'm alot like you maranara....I go through the same thing.

easily my brain gives up....easily even more easily I get overwhelmed !

just a wink from my heart makes me do things to keep going...

....just keep alert for that little wink from your heart...

sometimes so quick but catch it ok...you can see it...I can see it in you

it's a flash of brilliance.....just enough

I'm doing better at the moment. Coping with the ups and downs of the day, the daily roller coaster ride without too many issues....and the loneliness has stayed at bay for the last day or two. Usually gets worse in bed late at night or early in the morning. I fight with my husband and get moody at least a time or two everyday, but he's used to my ups and downs though he still doesn't get the BPD. Lol...he even mentioned this morning that he has to walk on eggshells around me...the name of that one BPD book. The loneliness goes in cycles. I'll be okay, more or less, for a few days...convince myself I'm healing, strengthing, and then it will come crashing down yet again....and all the rest of the BPD crap becomes more difficult at the same time. It will be a long time before no more crashes occur, but the time in between is slowly getting longer. That's all I can ask for. Thank everyone for your help. I owe you.

[Uprwestsdr]

One thing that helps me is doing the opposite of what I feel like doing (isolating). Get out of the house and start fast walking. Do it every day. It really unscrambles the brain.

Originally Posted by Uprwestsdr

One thing that helps me is doing the opposite of what I feel like doing (isolating). Get out of the house and start fast walking. Do it every day. It really unscrambles the brain.

I admit, I usually fight going out but rarely regret when I do. I will give your suggestion, or something like it a try. Thanks.

[BrokenNBeautiful]

I am going to go out again when I get well. I caught another terrible cold and have been shut in again. I really relate to feeling so up and down, etc. I know it will get me back in reality again, going back into the world. I am so glad I have PC and Internet. I would be feeling even worse without it.

And Maranara has contributed greatly to this forum in a very positive way.

We are not an illness.

We have an illness.

Carol (Billi)