[asp1079]

Why is it that BPD sufferers tend to attract damaged people, or become so easily involved in relationships where wounding and healing are so readily involved?

I feel that I'm perpetually stuck with attracting friends and love interests alike who are unusual but often to a point where it becomes a savior/saved relationship with both of us alternating between the roles... or in some instances, me using my empathy to try to work through their issues where I just feel like they are emotionally draining me.

Anyone else suffer with this and feel really tired of it? I just wish I could find myself with some moderate individuals now and again, nice people but people who will not emotionally drain me or use me to correct damages, and just relationships in general that aren't with a very damaged person. It sounds cold but I almost feel like I crave the drama of the damaged person, yet sometimes it can get so intense it makes my own issues worse. It's a love-hate feeling....

[MDDBPDPTSD]

Yes I agree. That is one (of many) reason I quit having relationships. I have come to the conclusion that there are no "normal" people. We all have baggage and most of us try to use another person to sort all of that out.
I refuse to participate in that, in as much as possible for me.
I do not think my method works for everyone. In fact, many tell me that my method is decidedly unhealthy. I disagree. I think I have made the most logical choice for my life.

But yes, people with BPD do seem to attract others with issues. Often times, we will attract those with anti-social personality disorder, because our vulnerability seems to amuse them. Or we will attract damaged individuals, who somehow mistake our emotional intensity for the nurturing they need. And we, not wanting to be abandoned, will do our best to mold ourselves into what they need us to be. We have a talent or skill for that, as we are unsure of our own identity anyway, so why not be what this other person needs, right?

[LostMom3]

I haven't been diagnosed with BPD, but I also attract "damaged" relationships. I always have, since I first started dating. I don't think I even know of anyone that does not have some kind of "damage". I am usually the one that takes charge and tries to make things right for them. Which leaves me struggling with my issues. Then I always wind up alone because they can't handle my issue or my "damage", which I have plenty of.

[Perna]

I think damage, like beauty, is in the eye of the beholder. When I feel good about myself, I am able to see good or "normal" things in others' behavior and it's not a burden to interact with or help them or let them help me, etc.

I, too, have a tendancy of attracting "damaged" people, and I do believe that much of it has to do with empathy. We want to help them and in turn end up hurting ourselves. In most cases, I "won" and stuck around until I was abandoned, but in two cases I actually managed to pull away on my own because the amount they drained out of me was hazardous to me and my emotions hadn't yet gotten so wrapped up on the situation that I couldn't act. Yes, everyone has their own baggage, but some people's bags are much heavier than others, and mine are heavy enough without my having to help someone else too much.

[tohelpafriend]

I usually fall for beautiful, but hurting men. I don't think it co-dependent...it's normal for a woman to want to nurture and heal. Yet I agree with your comment about moderate individuals. As to why this happens, I'm learning....I'm perpetuating a cycle of defense mechanisms in order to avoid the potential of abandonment. Sometimes borderline females are attracted to borderline males with other disorders. It is a risk to be in love with a damaged person....if they have an inability to love you, they will hurt you.
Knowing when not to take the risk, even in love, is key for me.

[cboxpalace]

I'm attracting all you damaged people.. I'm normal...lol

The fact you're in the forum means you're damaged, and that will have some impact on the people you meet. It's like damaged draws damaged. The healthy people are out doing things with other healthy people. I think back to when I was dating and at some point I'd disclose my issues, and then at some point they'd drop their normal act and disclose their issues. This seemed to be somewhat consistent. I do believe that our society is growing and growing in dysfunction and will continue to do so. I believe a lot of this has to do with the declining family unit. The divorce rate probably didn't start climbing until the late 70's and more likely took off in the 80's. I do believe the lack of structure provided by a family unit plays an impact on the person we are as an adult. It's hard to know what the full impact of that will be...

Originally Posted by MDDBPDPTSD

Yes I agree. That is one (of many) reason I quit having relationships. I have come to the conclusion that there are no "normal" people. We all have baggage and most of us try to use another person to sort all of that out.

Good point! I agree with this.

I do not think my method works for everyone. In fact, many tell me that my method is decidedly unhealthy. I disagree. I think I have made the most logical choice for my life.

I'd be curious to read your input in my "I quit" thread.

But yes, people with BPD do seem to attract others with issues. Often times, we will attract those with anti-social personality disorder, because our vulnerability seems to amuse them. Or we will attract damaged individuals, who somehow mistake our emotional intensity for the nurturing they need. And we, not wanting to be abandoned, will do our best to mold ourselves into what they need us to be. We have a talent or skill for that, as we are unsure of our own identity anyway, so why not be what this other person needs, right?[/QUOTE]

-- Or --

the person that wants to save us (the white knight in shining armor) will come to rescue us. they will probably perceive themselves as normal, but their wanting to save us is their dysfunction.

[fletch33]

I relate to you. Every relationship I have had in my life has been tumultuous in some sense. I think part of me thrives off of drama. Honestly, are there any people that you can meet in your life that are not "damaged" in some sense? I know some are more damaged than others, but everyone has their own issues. It is just how we deal with them that makes the difference.

[PeterHeater]

Originally Posted by MDDBPDPTSD

Yes I agree. That is one (of many) reason I quit having relationships. I have come to the conclusion that there are no "normal" people. We all have baggage and most of us try to use another person to sort all of that out.
I refuse to participate in that, in as much as possible for me.
I do not think my method works for everyone. In fact, many tell me that my method is decidedly unhealthy. I disagree. I think I have made the most logical choice for my life.

But yes, people with BPD do seem to attract others with issues. Often times, we will attract those with anti-social personality disorder, because our vulnerability seems to amuse them. Or we will attract damaged individuals, who somehow mistake our emotional intensity for the nurturing they need. And we, not wanting to be abandoned, will do our best to mold ourselves into what they need us to be. We have a talent or skill for that, as we are unsure of our own identity anyway, so why not be what this other person needs, right?

That's me. Period. My ex....that is her. I thought she was crazier than me! Every relationship I've had, it's been with someone that made me bend and conform to their needs. I just accepted it. My intensity was mistaken for nurturing. Being newly accepting to my issues, I find this stuff relieving. Thank you.

[Uprwestsdr]

I certainly relate to you. I've learned to LISTEN instead of talk when I first meet anyone. If a red flag raises I make a nice excuse and then exit. And most of all, I work on myself because when the normal guy appears I don't want to screw it up.

[BrokenNBeautiful]

Originally Posted by asp1079

Why is it that BPD sufferers tend to attract damaged people, or become so easily involved in relationships where wounding and healing are so readily involved?

I feel that I'm perpetually stuck with attracting friends and love interests alike who are unusual but often to a point where it becomes a savior/saved relationship with both of us alternating between the roles... or in some instances, me using my empathy to try to work through their issues where I just feel like they are emotionally draining me.

Anyone else suffer with this and feel really tired of it? I just wish I could find myself with some moderate individuals now and again, nice people but people who will not emotionally drain me or use me to correct damages, and just relationships in general that aren't with a very damaged person. It sounds cold but I almost feel like I crave the drama of the damaged person, yet sometimes it can get so intense it makes my own issues worse. It's a love-hate feeling....

Right now, I am working on the idea that relationships with damaged persons is all I deserve. I am learning that I deserve better, however, I am aware that I don't yet have the skills or the information to change that pattern.

Growing up, I was raised by a wounded adult child of an alcholic. I wanted to comfort her and we comforted each other. But it was not good for me; I needed a parental figure that was strong, that I could trust to be there for ME, not the other way around. Children cannot be their parents' partners or friends; they need to be kids first.

So that was missing. I began to follow a pattern where I felt I had to "rescue" or be "rescued".

Just my thoughts.

Now, with my mentor's help, some info online, etc., I am slowly learing to reparent myself correctly.

I pray this will eventually generate more healthy behavior from my end so that when I am around people, I will draw and be drawn to, the healthier ones.

Peace,

Carol

I think the healthier we get, the healthier our relationships will be ... Until we've "fixed" (for lack of a better word) ourselves, the less likely it is we will attract healthy people into our social circle ...

I've learned to not feel too guilty when I drop a friend or acquaintance who's stuff is more than I can bear ... !!!

Sheesh! ... Sometimes it's all I can do to bear my own ... !!!

Separately, our stuff and their stuff isn't so bad to deal with ... But, put them both together, and it can provide for much unneccessary drama and trauma ... !!!

And, haven't all of us already had enough of that in our lives ... ???

,
Pfrog!

ps. I know that some of us have been damaged in ways that can't be "fixed" ... In that case I feel it's best to be extra careful about who and what we let into our lives so that we don't add to that damage any further ... !!!

[clouds_and_sun]

Wow I am so sorry that you had to go through this but I can relate, I have never been in love (dated but it has been a very long time) but it seems that the good guys at my age are coming short these days. I hope that things get better for you

[athena2011]

Oh, I'd agree with others here who essentially say that everybody is damaged. It is simply a matter of degree. I have a tendency to try to please others to the point of my own self destruction. I now know I need to avoid narcissists like the plague. They'll eat me alive.

I'm with somebody who is relatively healthy emotionally. He is 'damaged' in some areas that are not that important to me. I'm happy for his flaws, otherwise I'd consider him a flight risk or that he would demand perfection from me. Due to our life situations (kids, work etc) we don't see each other as often as I would like. As painful as that is for me, because I have become unbearably attached and want to see him 24/7, I am prevented by circumstance from suffocating him.