[jessiespade]

hi guys, i need some advice as i cannot figure out what i need... or i dont want to face the facts.

Guy A
i have been dating a wonderful guy, A, for 2 years. he is very good to me, but he is a normal person with his own hobbies and friends, and i have been giving him hell every so often with my paranoid jealousy and demand for his undivided time and attention. The past week was bad, i picked a quarrel with him almost daily, and we almost broke up (my initiation).

Of cos I realised that a big mistake i was making, and I asked for a reconciliation, that I now know I have BDP and I am gonna make changes. He agreed, but wanted a week's break, asked me to leave him alone this period cos it has been too tense and negative.

Today is only the second day of the break, and I am in so much pain. I wondered why would someone who loves me be able to stop all contact with me? I msged him and he assured me that he doesnt intend to break up, but he needs time alone.

I love him a lot, and I want to change for him. But a part of me is in a lot of fear. I am 36 and soon I wont be able to have kids, and everyone time I act out, he goes further and further from me. I want to settle down with him, but he is so scared of my condition.

Guy B
My ex hubby, B, is a very easy going guy who gave in to me on everything. Everything. I had no insecurity with him, he is very generous to me, and I wasnt even aware I had BPD when I was with him. I ruined everything when I had an affair after 6 years of marriage and I insulted him, said he is too boring for me.

4 years after our divorce, he is still hoping to patch back with me, still helping me in things and sending me gifts. I appreciate him so much now, I can see what i did wrong, but the problem is I dont feel any romantic feeling for him. I cant imagine myself being intimate with him. I love him as a friend, someone I can count on.

So now I am wondering - should i give up trying to improve my condition to be with A, and instead be in a sexless relationship with B? With B I wont have any issues with BPD, cos he can tolerate me. I know that I need love from B and that I dont love him, but if he is ok with being just companions, should i do it?

thanks for your advice, i am so confused. and i feel so selfish even asking this.

Hello.

These are just my thoughts:
What about improving your condition for you before making any big relationship decisions? Also, there is no reason why you can not be friends with your ex and still have an intimate relationship with another person. Who says you have to be in a 'relationship' with your ex?

Ultimately, what do you feel will make you happy? Either way your disorder will have to be looked at despite who you are with...In my humble opinion I would recommend working on you and improving your condition first. In my experience with BPD, I had to start taking action with my disorder, otherwise any relationship I have (including friendship) will suffer.

I also recommend posting this in the relationship forum too, there are some very helpful and supportive people there. Best wishes and hope things start looking up for you.

I agree with Strat. Put the relationship aside for a while and work on yourself. You don't want another failed relationship. Learn more about BPD and how to have a successful relationship before you commit to anything. True, your biological clock is ticking, but it's probably not going to stop as soon as you think. The median age for menopause right now is 51. Just do what you can to stay physically healthy and you probably don't have to worry just yet.

[cboxpalace]

Neither relationship is going to work out. At some point you'll begin to resent B, and i believe A is probably seeing the writing on the wall with you. Work on yourself, take it slow and don't rush into a relationship until you've worked on yourself.

Only you will really be able to answer your question. Even if someone is used to your disorder it doesn't mean they will be able to tolerate it in the future and if you don't feel romantic feelings for guy B i don't think it would be fair to enter into a relationship with him again. I would work on your disorder as best you can and learn from your mistakes with guy A - if things work out, great, if not then at least you'll have even more of an oppertunity to come to terms with your condition and work on how you relate to people and communicate with them. All the best.

[Girl_Interrupted]

Neither. Your husband is your ex husband for a clear reason, you both broke up, you aren't suitable for eachother. It hurts to hear that, but you have to be cruel to be kind.

Your boyfriend seems like my ex, as soon as she said she wanted a break, it turns out that's not what she really meant, and that she actually broke up with me but lied.

Work on yourself and find someone who loves you for who you really are.