[fletch33]

[Put a trigger alert just in case any of this might trigger anyone]

Hey everyone,

I have been feeling depressed for the last couple of weeks. I think it partially has to do with the fact that I had a terrible cold for about 3 weeks and partially has to do with the fact that I have no money. However, I know I'm getting paid on Friday and things are looking up a little.

My pdoc recommended that I get a light box to help me with my Seasonal Affective Disorder, but I am skeptical. I have been feeling so down. I keep thinking about when I was in the psych hospital and how easy life was in there as opposed to out here in the "real world." Is this normal? To want to go back inpatient because it is easier than dealing with reality?

On another note, and I am sorry if this is TMI, but my fiance is getting upset with me because I do not want to have sex with him. When I get depressed, my sex drive disappears. I wish he would understand that it isn't that I don't want him, it is that I just don't feel up to it. Do others have this problem when depressed?

I really wish I could just figure out how to get out of my funk. I never really "bounced back" after I left inpatient in June. How is that possible? Am I really that messed up that I can't ever be "normal" again?

Maybe it is the meds... who knows. I've been taking them sporadically partially because I forget to take them sometimes and partially because I did not have the money to pay for them.

Sorry for my ramblings... I am just tired of feeling depressed and tired of feeling like a burden to everyone around me. I am going through a DBT group and I think it is helping, but there is so far to go before I even remotely reach a state of sanity.

Thanks to anyone who read. You guys are a great support group.

Hi Fletch-- sorry you're not feeling well. I have no way of knowing if it would help in your particular case, but I have a relative whose seasonal depression is significantly helped by a light box-- might be worth a try. While depression can decrease sex drive, so can some meds used to treat it; this could be something to discuss with your doctor(s). As for bouncing back, I can't speak for others, but if I really crash it takes me quite a while to start feeling better. Be patient with yourself-- it sounds like you have been through a lot. I hope you feel better soon.

[homeostasis]

Hi Fletch... all I can help with is SAD, as I experienced it while living in Seattle.

A lightbox can help greatly, but they're expensive, and tend to vary in efficacy from person to person. With me, I found that keeping most rooms either filled with as much natural light or full-spectrum light tended to alleviate the lows... which got *waaay* lower moving from the SW to the PNW...

BTW, "full-spectrum" on a CF bulb at Walmart, isn't going to bring the same results as a prescription light therapy device -- but it's better than nothing and much better than burning cash with incandescents. I know a few acquaintances who can vouch for lightboxes but they aren't cheap.

For me, using B12 and keeping a strict sleep/wake cycle felt much more effective than simply using more light by itself. But going outside and getting natural light (even when it's sloppy and cold as in the PNW 3/4 of the year) gives you an excuse to get other things done as well. The B12 helped me curb my fatigue and eased some of the anxiety and irritability.

Hope that helps...

[powertools321]

Hi Fletch, I have BPD, Major Depression Recurrent, SAD and anxiety. The light box does help and the one that I have is even called the happy light, go figure. Making sure you have enough vitamin d is also important, this is something that we get from the sun and a lot of people are normally deficient in anyways. It is VERY normal for someone with BPD to have the feelings you do about inpatient, this is because it is a very validating environment and makes us feel cared for. Who wouldn't want that? You left the hospital in June, maybe start to get back on your feet and then the sun starts to go into hiding, I would be surprised if you were not fighting a funk. If at all possible take the meds as regular as you can, this will help to alleviate any possible up and down caused by medication, we have enough of them with out adding to, this also includes alcohol if you drink. I had to stop drinking completely, even one or two beers, because it would drop my mood the next day. Depression can definitely make you not want to do anything to include sex and like Longleaf said it could also be the meds. Hope this helped some.

[fletch33]

Originally Posted by powertools321

Hi Fletch, I have BPD, Major Depression Recurrent, SAD and anxiety. The light box does help and the one that I have is even called the happy light, go figure. Making sure you have enough vitamin d is also important, this is something that we get from the sun and a lot of people are normally deficient in anyways. It is VERY normal for someone with BPD to have the feelings you do about inpatient, this is because it is a very validating environment and makes us feel cared for. Who wouldn't want that? You left the hospital in June, maybe start to get back on your feet and then the sun starts to go into hiding, I would be surprised if you were not fighting a funk. If at all possible take the meds as regular as you can, this will help to alleviate any possible up and down caused by medication, we have enough of them with out adding to, this also includes alcohol if you drink. I had to stop drinking completely, even one or two beers, because it would drop my mood the next day. Depression can definitely make you not want to do anything to include sex and like Longleaf said it could also be the meds. Hope this helped some.

I have so many things to do around my apartment and in my life and everything just seems to be falling by the wayside. I have no motivation to do anything, it seems. I know you say I may be fighting a funk, but this is really awful and I just want to be feeling better. I have been trying to take my medications more regularly, but I still keep forgetting because I feel like I am in a fog/haze and can't see things straight. Have others felt like this?

[fletch33]

Oh, by the way, now my sex drive has been through the roof. Fantastic...

Can't I just be normal?

[powertools321]

Originally Posted by fletch33

Oh, by the way, now my sex drive has been through the roof. Fantastic...

Can't I just be normal?

Normal is overrated. LOL I may be wrong but I think a lot of us with BPD have hyperactive sex drives or we just crave the intimacy, don't know which. As far as the fog goes I wonder if you may be on the wrong med or dosage for you.

[fletch33]

Originally Posted by powertools321

Normal is overrated. LOL I may be wrong but I think a lot of us with BPD have hyperactive sex drives or we just crave the intimacy, don't know which. As far as the fog goes I wonder if you may be on the wrong med or dosage for you.

I don't feel like I have ever been on the right medications. I've tried so many combinations and nothing really ever seems to help for any length of time. However, isn't BPD supposed to be really hard to treat with medications?

Hey fletch,

I agree with Homeostasis, I have also found a lot of help in B12 vitamins. Get some sublingual ones for maximum absorption. Also there are a few other alternative things you can do: Get exercise (not too much, but try for about 20 minutes a day- a brisk walk will do), Take vitamin D maybe 1000IU a day (this has shown to help depression big time and gives our brains often what we need when we receive natural sunlight --without the UV rays of course), make yourself do fun things and activities (take up a new hobby and get really excited about it), and keep posting here.

Also, I don't have experience being an inpatient in the hospital. Although, it would make sense that it would seem easier for you. The 'real world' is stressful. There are ways you can reduce the stress for yourself and give yourself a lot of the same care you would find in the hospital. Be gentle with yourself. Don't have high expectations of yourself, or any at all for that matter (expectations are dissapointments waiting to happen), surround yourself with supportive and positive people, if something is stressful (a situation, a job, a place, a person) get away from it.

Also, it is common for people to experience changes in sex drive on antidepressants. I would recommend to have your fiance read some literature on the type of meds you're taking so it's understood that it is just a side effect.

[fletch33]

So, today I cried for almost half an hour. The odd part? I honestly don't know why I was crying. I could not find a single reason to be upset. Now I am so up it is crazy. I feel jittery and off the wall. I can barely sit still. What is going on with me??

[fletch33]

I called crisis on Sunday night. We are discussing the possibility of partial hospitalization.

When in the heck does this crap end?

[powertools321]

Originally Posted by fletch33

I don't feel like I have ever been on the right medications. I've tried so many combinations and nothing really ever seems to help for any length of time. However, isn't BPD supposed to be really hard to treat with medications?

Yes BPD can be hard to treat with medications but they can help with the mood swings. Along with the Depakote I take Vitamin D3 2000mg and Omega 3, the vitamin d for SAD related symptoms and the Omega 3 because it has been shown to help some with BPD and Depression.

Originally Posted by fletch33

So, today I cried for almost half an hour. The odd part? I honestly don't know why I was crying. I could not find a single reason to be upset. Now I am so up it is crazy. I feel jittery and off the wall. I can barely sit still. What is going on with me??

I have gotten that way too, although I don't cry uncontrollably or for no reason, that's just because I don't cry easily. I do have very dark and low moods at times and even rapid cyle at times. Of course I've ben dx'd with both bipolar and bpd so that explains it for me. It does sound like bipolar although bpd has drastic mood changes too.