[katje]

Hello!

I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder and panic disorder four years ago, and I've been in therapy since then. The depression wasn't great but I could still function, and then I found Wellbutrin and it was pretty smooth sailing for a few years.

Everything went to hell in 2011 because of a friendship that I'd formed with an older person I admired. The relationship moved VERY fast (not sexually -- it has never been about sex, and he's married) and we saw a lot of each other. I started depending on him for all of my emotional support, and he was able to provide it. I knew intellectually that it was a bad idea because it would eventually come to an end, but it felt so good in the moment, I ignored it. I told myself it was okay because I was getting material things out of it, too -- my grades got better, I managed to do a lot of independent work that will look great on grad school apps, etc.

Then his wife got pregnant. I was one of the first people to know; he called me with the news. We chatted for a while about it and then hung up and I sobbed uncontrollably for twenty minutes straight. Over the next few days I fell into a depressive episode that I still haven't come out of. That was October '11.

We stayed as close as ever after that, but I knew what was coming, so I tried to prepare myself over the next 7.5 months for the arrival of the baby and the fact that he was going to have less time to spend with me. I did a bad job of it, but once the baby got here, I nosedived fast. We'd gone from spending several hours a day several days per week together and texting/emailing nightly to almost zero contact. I was hospitalized twice after half-hearted overdoses. The first time there was some mention of BPD, but no clear diagnosis. The second time, I got the diagnosis, but my therapists and subscribers have been very vague about it and only focus on my depression. I'm starting DBT in late November.

I know some of the basic traits of BPD, but nobody has ever truly talked to me about it. From what I can tell, the relationship I just described had a lot to do with BPD, but if that's the case, I'm terrified, because that whole situation was the most painful thing that's ever happened to me AND is still messing me up completely. Depression has always seemed like something manageable, and I know BPD can be managed too, but I'm worried that I'm not strong enough to handle both.

Because none of my doctors have told me anything about it, I looked for a forum online and ended up here. I'm hoping I can find support (and offer some in return!) but right now I barely even really know what BPD is.

Thanks very much if you've read this. Off to explore the boards.

[powertools321]

Hi katie, welcome to PC. What you described sounds very much like BPD to me. If you have looked at the thread on You Might Be BPD If and BPD Symptoms, they should give some insight. There is also The National Alliance on BPD that has some good resources. I'm really sorry for the pain you are experiencing and I hope you feel better soon. One symptom that some people with BPD present with is the fear of abandonment and that sounds like what happened to you with the baby coming. You had the fear of losing you're emotional support and it affected you so bad you started to nose dive, and then when the baby came it just got worse. DBT should help you out greatly if you put the time and effort into it that you deserve. It will help you rely on yourself for the emotional support and to help you manage the mood swings that can cause someone with BPD such pain. I hope some of this has helped.

[Shadowskye]

Hello, Katie! welcome to PC. I'm not entirely sure what BPD is myself. I know a little about it - and I know that a lot of people suspect I have it, too (and I don't doubt it, just don't have an official diagnosis). I does sound like you might be suffering from BPD. Find someone to talk to while you wait for DBT to start. Check out some articles on BPD, what I know about it I've learned from them. It's a pretty complicated disorder, but you're right, it's managable! Best of luck to you.

[fletch33]

Hi katje,

I have been dealing with the effects of BPD for many years now, but was also only just recently diagnosed. I am not going to lie to you, the BPD diagnosis is a hard one. The main reason for that is once that diagnosis is down on a page with your name attached to it, the whole mental health community starts to look at you in a different way, whether they mean to or not. Mental health professionals are not trying to act differently around those with BPD, but they do. By this I mean that they tend to shy away from working with people with BPD and they tend to have certain stereotypes about individuals diagnosed with BPD.

I understand the pain you are feeling after the loss of your relationship. I have lost many important relationships to me in the past, including both friends and boyfriends. Just realize that, from what it seems to me, this friendship declining was not necessarily your fault. People change when they have children, it is a fact of life. They spend less time with friends and more time with family. That does not mean that this friend intentionally tried to hurt you.

I hope that what I said helped a little. If you have any questions about what BPD looks like or what it feels like to have it, please read "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me." This book is an EXCELLENT resource for people with BPD.

Best of luck and welcome to the boards!

[katje]

Thank you for the kind words, everyone! I will definitely check out "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me."

To be clear, I don't think the decline in the relationship was anyone's fault, mine or his. I knew once I found out about the pregnancy that it would happen; I don't hate him and the occasional twinges of anger I feel are irrational, so I get over them quickly. I'm not enraged, I just miss him so much that it's affecting my life negatively because I can't go anywhere or do anything without being reminded of him or something we did together, and whenever I think about it too much, I end up curled up under a blanket in bed because I miss him so much.

[powertools321]

I would recommend "The Buddha and the Borderline" it's a great book written by someone who has BPD (like me) and their road to recovery. Be careful on what you read as some of the books have a negative attitude towards BPD and don't focus on recovery.