[AndStillIRise]

Hello,

I'm hopeful someone may be able to offer their experience as I am new to BPD. Actually, my T says I have features of BPD but she doesn't give me this diagnosis. So I am new to BPD.

So here it goes: I do have few friends. I often find folks all of a sudden just stop socializing with me, or distance themselves for no apparent (to me) reason. I go over in my mind what I might have said or done. I don't always spend too much time on this. But when it's an emerging friendship that was going very well for several months, I do struggle to find a reason. This happens often enough that I conclude that it must have something to do with me since the consistent element in these reactions is me. I have had complete strangers approach me with inappropriate comments or criticisms (such as my haircut) about me, when those comments and criticisms should be an issue to anyone. I also experience disproportionate criticism and anger from family to something I may have said or done.

I am left scratching my head, wondering where this came from. I think I am going crazy sometimes and have attempted suicide out of frustration in not being able to understand humanity nor how to navigate it without these afronts. I am caught off guard and feel the lose of what I thought were positive relationships, it is rattling. I also feel that I am at a loss to prevent or avoid such experiences since I cannot "read" people (ie. caught completely off guard), not do I recognize a reason for their behavior towards me. Nevertheless, it must be me since I am the constant in all these experiences.

Am I experiencing some sort of amnesia? I think I can identify missing time here and there but not related to all the experiences to which I refer above.

If anyone has input, I'd really appreciate hearing your experiences, thoughts.

Hi, AndStillIRise-- This definitely resonates with me. I've often felt that I must be from another dimension, that this is my first time in a human body... everyone else seems to know things I don't, and I have no idea how they learned them. I don't know if this is an inborn deficit or a result of childhood experiences or both, but it definitely is rattling, as you say. One thing that is helping me a little is trying to use the DBT techniques of observation and describing to slow my mind down-- it keeps my mind from being quite so all over the place so that I can pick up more cues and focus on the person I'm interacting with. Hope this helps a little-- you definitely aren't alone!

the thing might be that you're having a hard time with perception. You say you experiece unfair criticism. Could it be that you don't take criticism well so more often than not it seems unfair to you? that could well be the BPD traits that you exhibit. I know what you mean by people leaving and I'll be honest, for me, yes I either drive people away or drive them nuts with my behaviors. It may not always be clear but I know that I can be a hard person to deal with over time. you're not experiencing amnesia, juts when the person leaves you might not be in the midst of some kind of blowout so it leaves you wondering why. After a bad situation, for me, I almost forget waht happened or what I did and expect things to be all hunky dory so I sometimes don't realize that resentment and anger may still reside in the other person. If they don't leave when I'm freaking out about something, but at a time when I've "forgotten" about what happened, it leaves me baffled. I wonder if that may be what's happening to you.

Just my 2c. Hope that helps.

[AngelWolf3]

Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006

After a bad situation, for me, I almost forget what happened or what I did and expect things to be all hunky dory so I sometimes don't realize that resentment and anger may still reside in the other person. If they don't leave when I'm freaking out about something, but at a time when I've "forgotten" about what happened, it leaves me baffled. I wonder if that may be what's happening to you.

I do this too!

AndStillIRise, Welcome...I hope you can find some answers here!

[AndStillIRise]

Originally Posted by Longleaf

Hi, AndStillIRise-- This definitely resonates with me. I've often felt that I must be from another dimension, that this is my first time in a human body... everyone else seems to know things I don't, and I have no idea how they learned them. I don't know if this is an inborn deficit or a result of childhood experiences or both, but it definitely is rattling, as you say. One thing that is helping me a little is trying to use the DBT techniques of observation and describing to slow my mind down-- it keeps my mind from being quite so all over the place so that I can pick up more cues and focus on the person I'm interacting with. Hope this helps a little-- you definitely aren't alone!

Thank you! I am interested in learning more about DBT, it seems to be very helpful. I'm sorry you have similar experiences, I find it quite challenging to understand changes to other's behavior toward me. Sometimes I want to carry a camera around me just to record things I am clearly missing and have someone help me watch what I am doing wrong. Maybe I should ask for a helmet cam for xmas

[AndStillIRise]

Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006

the thing might be that you're having a hard time with perception. You say you experiece unfair criticism. Could it be that you don't take criticism well so more often than not it seems unfair to you? that could well be the BPD traits that you exhibit. I know what you mean by people leaving and I'll be honest, for me, yes I either drive people away or drive them nuts with my behaviors. It may not always be clear but I know that I can be a hard person to deal with over time. you're not experiencing amnesia, juts when the person leaves you might not be in the midst of some kind of blowout so it leaves you wondering why. After a bad situation, for me, I almost forget waht happened or what I did and expect things to be all hunky dory so I sometimes don't realize that resentment and anger may still reside in the other person. If they don't leave when I'm freaking out about something, but at a time when I've "forgotten" about what happened, it leaves me baffled. I wonder if that may be what's happening to you.

Just my 2c. Hope that helps.

Thank you for the response! It's interesting you refer to how I might react to criticism. I have told my T that I find it puzzling why people react to me in a dismissive manner without any expression of criticism or disappointment. when folks do criticize me it's not for faults I recognize in myself or any specific act. The criticisms or complaints I get are judgemental (I am mean, impatient, unfair etc...) but never any specific example to support this. Mostly I just get silence, distance or dismissive behavior. I am working on slowing down thoughts and observations in order to recognize and identify what may be going on. I know I have faults but, clearly, there is something more I do not see in myself that is off-putting to others.

Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006

the thing might be that you're having a hard time with perception. You say you experiece unfair criticism. Could it be that you don't take criticism well so more often than not it seems unfair to you? that could well be the BPD traits that you exhibit. I know what you mean by people leaving and I'll be honest, for me, yes I either drive people away or drive them nuts with my behaviors. It may not always be clear but I know that I can be a hard person to deal with over time. you're not experiencing amnesia, juts when the person leaves you might not be in the midst of some kind of blowout so it leaves you wondering why. After a bad situation, for me, I almost forget waht happened or what I did and expect things to be all hunky dory so I sometimes don't realize that resentment and anger may still reside in the other person. If they don't leave when I'm freaking out about something, but at a time when I've "forgotten" about what happened, it leaves me baffled. I wonder if that may be what's happening to you.

Just my 2c. Hope that helps.

apologies for my ugly spelling errors. :S

[BrokenNBeautiful]

Hello there.

I am only expressing my own thoughts about this.

You may agree or disagree respectfully.

This is my own experience.

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sometimes it's also about them and not always about us.

I spend so much time racking my brain wondering what I do that's so bad.

I had a sponsor in a 12 step program that said, "What others think is none of my business".

I do relate to the wondering what I do that turns ppl off.

Esp if they don't say anything and just "act out" at me. (acting dismissive, cold, etc.)

I cannot guess what goes thru ppl's minds.

All I can do is change myself. And since others dont' always tell me things, I guess a lot and I try to change things. But I can only do it so much, so long, so hard, and only such at a time. I mustn't be so hard on myself, says Ani, my mentor.

There is self-scrutiny and there is self-torture.

A fine line.

Carol

[AndStillIRise]

Originally Posted by BrokenNBeautiful

Hello there.

I am only expressing my own thoughts about this.

You may agree or disagree respectfully.

This is my own experience.

*
*
*
*

sometimes it's also about them and not always about us.

I spend so much time racking my brain wondering what I do that's so bad.

I had a sponsor in a 12 step program that said, "What others think is none of my business".

I do relate to the wondering what I do that turns ppl off.

Esp if they don't say anything and just "act out" at me. (acting dismissive, cold, etc.)

I cannot guess what goes thru ppl's minds.

All I can do is change myself. And since others dont' always tell me things, I guess a lot and I try to change things. But I can only do it so much, so long, so hard, and only such at a time. I mustn't be so hard on myself, says Ani, my mentor.

There is self-scrutiny and there is self-torture.

A fine line.

Carol

Very true! Thank you. I am at a point where I need to make sure I check myself as well as looking at others as a source of my angst. There are definitely toxic people in my life, from whom I have distanced myself. But I so hate being caught off guard when others behave so badly toward me. I want it to stop and I'm looking in the mirror as well as at others.