I get so sick of feeling constantly like I've done something wrong. Even when there's nothing wrong happening and it's all in my head, I'll make stuff up and feel like I did something. I don't know if I'm making sense, let me give an example.

*hypothetical* My friend that is very close to me (not physically but emotionally) will do something as trivial as take longer than I expect to get back to me. In the worst case, if I didn't know what she would be doing at the time, I assume she's abandoning me and I'll conjure up in my mind somehow in the last conversation we had I said soemthing wrong and made her want to leave.

I'm on a forum, the other night and a subject which I won't get into right here came up. A controversial subject that I have an opinon on. I find that when I said my points, I am disagreed with and decide to change the subject. for awhile people don't say anything to me and I assume they all suddenly must hate me. (of course I think the worst). I stopped frequenting that chat room at the time I know these people will be on even.

This goes on throughout the day with every little aspect of my interactions with people! It's so tiring, and wearing me out. Logically I know it's all in my head but at the same time, the feeling that I've offended, hurt or angered someone is so real it's debilatating.

I get the feeling this is pretty typical of someone like me, with BPD. Nothing new, I know but just had to vent.

Thanks for listening.

[OutofTune]

I've always been like this. Still am. I think fear of abandonment, whether real or imagined, is a symptom that never goes away. Don't know about you but my fear stems from being abandoned by my mother when I was five. It's scarred me for life.

Originally Posted by OutofTune

I've always been like this. Still am. I think fear of abandonment, whether real or imagined, is a symptom that never goes away. Don't know about you but my fear stems from being abandoned by my mother when I was five. It's scarred me for life.

Well I know that my mother had a lot to do with it. She wouldn't "abandon" me permanently but I remember a lot of times being left alone at a young age at home. She worked and my dad worked, and I don't know why I didn't get any care from a babysitter so I don't know what she was thinking but that's what it all stems from for me. In addition I was a very sick child. I had very severe asthma and allergies so bad I wasn't allowed to go outside much if at all. I had been hospitalized numerous times (more times than I care to count) for pneumonia, and remember being left to the care of the nurses and drs, stuck in a plastic bubble. When I was home and sick I had everyone around me trying to care for me, but then when well, it was like I was almost invisible or at the very least, just a burden.. It's all in the past, but the ripples of such things probably will remain with me for life.

I didn't say all this for pity, just the facts

[greyclouds]

S4 I feel exactly the same babe, and a few times I have actually hurt people's feelings in here because of this issue.

No matte how many times I try to convince my self it's in my head the thumbs take over.
Lucky I have made my mends and. People have been forgiven.
I just want you to know your not Alone ((hugs))

Originally Posted by greyclouds

S4 I feel exactly the same babe, and a few times I have actually hurt people's feelings in here because of this issue.

No matte how many times I try to convince my self it's in my head the thumbs take over.
Lucky I have made my mends and. People have been forgiven.
I just want you to know your not Alone ((hugs))

Thank you Grey. Indeed that's what keeps me coming back is so I don't feel alone, and people like you that are willing to reach out and give support. I'm grateful for this XO

[greyclouds]

It's the little things I find that counts to us. Even if just some one writes ((hugs)) I know that they heard me.
They have no Advice but there in the same place they understand.
If ever I don't see your post and no one replies don't ever hesitate to pm okay

Originally Posted by greyclouds

It's the little things I find that counts to us. Even if just some one writes ((hugs)) I know that they heard me.
They have no Advice but there in the same place they understand.
If ever I don't see your post and no one replies don't ever hesitate to pm okay

Aww thanks for that. I'll send you a friend request too

[BrokenNBeautiful]

My primary parental person and also a "friend" from high school brainwashed me into believing that everything bad that happened to me was my fault.

It damaged me so much.

I was also neglected by my physically ill mother growing up.

I grew up with no real feeling of confidence or self-acceptance. I believed that I was intrinsically bad and that everything that goes wrong was about me.

when one member left a group recently, I thought it was my fault.

When my doctor did not call me today, I automatically thought it was about me. (fighting that).

i am working to recover from that now.

Carol

Originally Posted by BrokenNBeautiful

My primary parental person and also a "friend" from high school brainwashed me into believing that everything bad that happened to me was my fault.

It damaged me so much.

I was also neglected by my physically ill mother growing up.

I grew up with no real feeling of confidence or self-acceptance. I believed that I was intrinsically bad and that everything that goes wrong was about me.

when one member left a group recently, I thought it was my fault.

When my doctor did not call me today, I automatically thought it was about me. (fighting that).

i am working to recover from that now.

Carol

That's so true with me, when someone doesn't call within a certain time frame that I expected, I did something wrong or something equally bad happened. It's never just something simple.

I'm working on it too.

*hugs*

[unaluna]

My friend didn't get my phone message when I was late for our last lunch and we both flipped out. It was almost funny except it was so textbook abandonment issues. Personally I prefer it when people disagree with me AND keep talking to me - that way you don't have to look for another subject of conversation!

[Insignificant other]

I cant tell you how much this post has struck a cord with me. Thank you for posting it. I dont feel as crazy anymore. It IS a fear of abandonment.

If it wasn't for relationship issues and fear of abandonment, I wouldn't have BPD..it's that simple. When I am in ANY kind of relationship, I get clingy, manipulative, needy, and very, very scared. And very single BPD trait arises from it. Every single one.

For over 10 years, whenever I'd start developing a friendship, I purposely forced people away hard and very early. I didn't realize I was doing it, but it prevented most of the pain caused by realtionships from starting. For that period, I was lonely, had only one friend (whom I drove crazy for 10 years prior with all of this stuff in the '80s and '90s), but I was in control, able to cope 95% of the time. Some problems were still there, it didn't disappear, but I could handle it and my friend (now husband) knew how I acted and learned when to give me space. Then, fairly recently, I attempted to build a friendship, and my coming here is among the results. What's worse, due to my relationship/abandonment problems coming to the surface along with all the other BPD stuff, it has given a few feel as though they have the right to see how THEY can manipulate ME....and it has hurt more than I can say. It happened here, on PC, and made me want to leave.

My issues were caused by my parents. My dad and mom didn't get along and my mom often forced my dad out of the house for weeks at a time. And this time of year was the worst. He often left right after Thanksgiving and came back in time for Christmas Eve. That happened at least 4 or 5 times while I was growing up. I didn't understand at the time but he left to escape the constant harrassment of my mom.

My mom, however, was the worst. I was emotionally abandoned by her. When really young, she would lock herself in the bedroom to drink or attempt to OD on sleeping pills. Later on, when I did things she deemed wrong, (usually talking to someone about my problems or showing too much emotion) she would ignore me...pretended I didn't exist...for as much as a week at a time. Then, when my dad died, she accused me of all kinds of untrue things, would hang up the phone on me when I'd call, and she eventually ended up, on my Dad's first birthday after his death, write me a letter telling me I was no longer her daughter.

So, yeah, I understand fear of abandonment. It affects everything I do....

[Z-Raptoor]

Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006

I get so sick of feeling constantly like I've done something wrong. Even when there's nothing wrong happening and it's all in my head, I'll make stuff up and feel like I did something. I don't know if I'm making sense, let me give an example.

*hypothetical* My friend that is very close to me (not physically but emotionally) will do something as trivial as take longer than I expect to get back to me. In the worst case, if I didn't know what she would be doing at the time, I assume she's abandoning me and I'll conjure up in my mind somehow in the last conversation we had I said soemthing wrong and made her want to leave.

I'm on a forum, the other night and a subject which I won't get into right here came up. A controversial subject that I have an opinon on. I find that when I said my points, I am disagreed with and decide to change the subject. for awhile people don't say anything to me and I assume they all suddenly must hate me. (of course I think the worst). I stopped frequenting that chat room at the time I know these people will be on even.

This goes on throughout the day with every little aspect of my interactions with people! It's so tiring, and wearing me out. Logically I know it's all in my head but at the same time, the feeling that I've offended, hurt or angered someone is so real it's debilatating.

I get the feeling this is pretty typical of someone like me, with BPD. Nothing new, I know but just had to vent.

Thanks for listening.

i appreciate this. i feel this way too and i am glad i am not the only one. thank you

[msjanalyn]

Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006

I get so sick of feeling constantly like I've done something wrong. Even when there's nothing wrong happening and it's all in my head, I'll make stuff up and feel like I did something. I don't know if I'm making sense, let me give an example.

*hypothetical* My friend that is very close to me (not physically but emotionally) will do something as trivial as take longer than I expect to get back to me. In the worst case, if I didn't know what she would be doing at the time, I assume she's abandoning me and I'll conjure up in my mind somehow in the last conversation we had I said soemthing wrong and made her want to leave.

I'm on a forum, the other night and a subject which I won't get into right here came up. A controversial subject that I have an opinon on. I find that when I said my points, I am disagreed with and decide to change the subject. for awhile people don't say anything to me and I assume they all suddenly must hate me. (of course I think the worst). I stopped frequenting that chat room at the time I know these people will be on even.

This goes on throughout the day with every little aspect of my interactions with people! It's so tiring, and wearing me out. Logically I know it's all in my head but at the same time, the feeling that I've offended, hurt or angered someone is so real it's debilatating.

I get the feeling this is pretty typical of someone like me, with BPD. Nothing new, I know but just had to vent.

Thanks for listening.

So true. When I've done nothing wrong I can't help to think I did something wrong. I sometimes joke that I was on the "Grassy Knoll" when Kennedy got assassinated (I was born in '69). I ruminate on every single conversation I've had with anyone during the day and pick out what I said wrong, dumb, etc. and focus on it forever. I know how you feel but you know what, we are all in this together!

[AngelWolf3]

Oh I totally know what you mean. I LOST SLEEP last night, over a person I don't even know, worrying that I did something wrong to make him think I was rude. (a customer tried to come in after we were closed, and I had my hands full, and a phone tucked under my chin so I was looking down, trying to get into my car) and he was dropping off flowers for the office staff. Long story short, I found my key to get the door open, but he apologized at the end, and looked at me funny (probably imagined, that part) and I thought about it all night and tried to sleep and woke up at 2am this morning, worrying about a complete stranger! You can imagine how bad I get with someone I know and/or care about....

Totally feel you. I hope that I didn't ramble too much (but I am long-winded, sorry )

[dgiallin]

Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006

I get so sick of feeling constantly like I've done something wrong. Even when there's nothing wrong happening and it's all in my head, I'll make stuff up and feel like I did something. I don't know if I'm making sense, let me give an example.

*hypothetical* My friend that is very close to me (not physically but emotionally) will do something as trivial as take longer than I expect to get back to me. In the worst case, if I didn't know what she would be doing at the time, I assume she's abandoning me and I'll conjure up in my mind somehow in the last conversation we had I said soemthing wrong and made her want to leave.

I'm on a forum, the other night and a subject which I won't get into right here came up. A controversial subject that I have an opinon on. I find that when I said my points, I am disagreed with and decide to change the subject. for awhile people don't say anything to me and I assume they all suddenly must hate me. (of course I think the worst). I stopped frequenting that chat room at the time I know these people will be on even.

This goes on throughout the day with every little aspect of my interactions with people! It's so tiring, and wearing me out. Logically I know it's all in my head but at the same time, the feeling that I've offended, hurt or angered someone is so real it's debilatating.

I get the feeling this is pretty typical of someone like me, with BPD. Nothing new, I know but just had to vent.

Thanks for listening.

Thanks too you for writing that. You're not alone, this is exactly what I feel right now....Hope we can find a way...sorry for my english...I'm italian..Nice to meet you
Donatella

Originally Posted by Wolfin3

Oh I totally know what you mean. I LOST SLEEP last night, over a person I don't even know, worrying that I did something wrong to make him think I was rude. (a customer tried to come in after we were closed, and I had my hands full, and a phone tucked under my chin so I was looking down, trying to get into my car) and he was dropping off flowers for the office staff. Long story short, I found my key to get the door open, but he apologized at the end, and looked at me funny (probably imagined, that part) and I thought about it all night and tried to sleep and woke up at 2am this morning, worrying about a complete stranger! You can imagine how bad I get with someone I know and/or care about....

Totally feel you. I hope that I didn't ramble too much (but I am long-winded, sorry )

Thank you, and that wasn't long winded. But trust me I understand that point, short explanations escape me usually I totally know what you mean and have done similar things. If there's nothing there, my brain in all it's wonderful imaginative ways will make something up!

Originally Posted by Wolfin3

Oh I totally know what you mean. I LOST SLEEP last night, over a person I don't even know, worrying that I did something wrong to make him think I was rude. (a customer tried to come in after we were closed, and I had my hands full, and a phone tucked under my chin so I was looking down, trying to get into my car) and he was dropping off flowers for the office staff. Long story short, I found my key to get the door open, but he apologized at the end, and looked at me funny (probably imagined, that part) and I thought about it all night and tried to sleep and woke up at 2am this morning, worrying about a complete stranger! You can imagine how bad I get with someone I know and/or care about....

Totally feel you. I hope that I didn't ramble too much (but I am long-winded, sorry )

Yep...been there, done that. I've stayed up many, many nights certain I just hurt someone or would get a mean response back from a note I sent. Not an easy way to live for sure.

Just try ending a conversation with me in a negative way and then hang up. You wanna see a man made hurricane? Well there you have it. Oh make it worse by not getting back to me soon. Make it a long time and wow, you might be blessed with a full on tornado in the form of an onslaught of fear, anger, and everything else you can think of, all at once. Yeah, leave any question about whether I did something wrong in the air and you might as well take the job of Arsonist because you're gonna watch your house burn down. Ayup. It sucks.

When I think someone might be mad at me, I withdraw. I refuse to answer the phone or look at an email or text certain I'm about to be b***ched out. Of course, that's usually not the case, but the fear and anxiety is intense. I don't look for a few minutes and syke myself up for the worst, which rarely happens, but it's horrible, and it happens so often.....

Originally Posted by Maranara

When I think someone might be mad at me, I withdraw. I refuse to answer the phone or look at an email or text certain I'm about to be b***ched out. Of course, that's usually not the case, but the fear and anxiety is intense. I don't look for a few minutes and syke myself up for the worst, which rarely happens, but it's horrible, and it happens so often.....

Yeah I can do that too.